amfiguree: (cookleta!<3)
[personal profile] amfiguree
[American Idol/BSB/N'sync/Supernatural RPS] [David Archuleta/David Cook; David Cook/Several Others] [PG]

This one goes out to [livejournal.com profile] rajkumari905, who very generously bid on me in the [livejournal.com profile] help_japan auction. I promised her Archie on a motorcycle, and it turned into the perfect activity for the next chapter of bachelor verse (IT HAS BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE THE LAST UPDATE, GOOD GOD, WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING, I AM SO SORRY, Y'ALL). so. ENJOY, PRI, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU ♥



Merry Men


The Bachelor Recap: Episode Four


In this week's showdown, the bachelors race to the finish to prove they're willing to get their hands dirty, but in the end, only one of them gets to waltz away with the prize. Where by prize I mean one-on-one time with the Bachelor, and by waltz I mean... well, waltz.

I'm starting to question (more than usual) my decision to recap this show, and even the bikes aren't enough to quell my regret. More sports, ABC? Seriously?

That's right, ladies and queens (and fellow disgruntled TV recappers just trying to make ends meet): today, the bachelors are going dirt-biking. After at least a week of celibacy, testosterone levels are at an all-time high, and the guys trade the usual mandatory dirty riding jokes as they're saddled up in their gear. I toy with the mint leaves in my nearly-empty Mojito glass while I try not to fall asleep.

Who knew dirt and wheels weren't my thing? (I knew.)

To add insult to injury, there is zero sign of naked manflesh. The bachelors are given a short talk on safety (as well as full-length fireproof bodysuits, because they are apparently all liable to explode into flames at any given second) and it is revealed that the winner of the race will get to go for a private lunch with Prince Charming (while the rest of them presumably go back to trying to set themselves on fire).

It only takes downing the rest of my jug of Mojitos to get me pumped for the race. Suddenly Chekizie tipping his bike over at the start line is the most hilarious thing on the show. Jason gives children everywhere a free demonstration on why weed and heavy machinery do not mix when he swerves into David H. and takes them both out of the race. Jensen and Michael Johns pull ahead. Chris and Michael Castro battle it out for third and fourth place, AJ on their tails. Archie (looking surprisingly edible in his biking gear, rawr) lags behind as he attempts to help Jared keep his balance.

Another life lesson, kids: do not put oversized puppies on motorcycles.

[Edited: Came back while (relatively) sober and thought about removing my cougar comment re: Archie in his biking gear. Cued up the ep again to prove it was the alcohol talking and realized--nope, not so much. Leaving it in.]

Chikizie appears out of nowhere and crashes into Jared, but Archie neglects to mention that he has seen the Tokyo instalment of the Fast and the Furious eight hundred times, and somehow manages to narrowly avoid disaster. (My carpet, on the other hand, is not so lucky. I was aiming the alcohol at my mouth, but I flunked the course on hand-eye coordination-while-drunk in college (aka beer-pong).)

Archie also manages to get past AJ, Chris and Michael Castro, and I am about to consult my 8-ball on the chances of him leading a double life as a Russian spy when Voiceover Man announces that Michael Johns has won the race.

The first thing Jensen does is check up on Jared, and the show indulges in a long, slo-mo moment of Jensen patting his boyfriend down, complete with campy Cher music. It is my favorite scene of the series thus far (that does not involve naked manflesh).

Then the Bachelor steps out of the stands where he's apparently been watching the whole thing. He looks like a dirty-chic Calvin Klein model (as opposed to just dirty) (or jailbait) but with my Mojito-goggles on, even the heavily tattooed pirate on my beer bottle label looks attractive.

David stops to have a few words with each of the bachelors, and then is spirited away with Michael Johns to a scenic picnic spot on top of a cliff somewhere. I doze while they share champagne and "connect". Then my left boob twinges (Sheila is my naked manflesh radar) and I realize the show is interspersing David and Michael Johns' love story with the remaining bachelors going skinny dipping back at the house.

The Castros are helping each other undress, and I slosh even more alcohol on my carpet when I cheer. I decide to write in to ABC to let them know that the only acceptable sports dates henceforth should always involve skinny dipping. AJ and David H. compare their junk, and the camera cuts to Jared looking over and laughing. Jensen is stealing glances at him, and he doesn't sound apologetic at all when he says, "It's a pool full of naked, good-looking guys, man. 'Course I'm gonna look."

I am unbearably turned on.

Then the show cuts back to Michael Johns and David trying to figure out the basics of a waltz, and I pass out after choking on my own laughter.

Sheila wakes me up again just in time for me to see Chris push Archie (fully clothed) into the pool and jump in after him. I yell at her for failing in quality control. ABC makes up for it with David H. giving Jensen a lapdance in the pool. Judging from his (and Jared's) face, I am more excited about this than they are.

I also spend the next date interlude replaying the scene in my head. (For those of you invested in the Bachelor's emotional journey, you'll be pleased to hear that him and Michael Johns share a long, face-melting kiss, and then several shorter sweeter ones, during their ride back to the house. Michael Johns is also offered a rose. Which he accepts.)

Chikizie is worried when Chris Harrison calls them all inside and tells them the champagne ceremony is about to start. He keeps his shirt off. I decide he must be want to be sent home. I start yelling, "Fire him! Fire him!" at my TV.

David fires him does not offer him a glass of champagne.

I cheer.

David starts to explain why Chikizie isn't the right one.

He is so unprintably boring that, out of desperation, I headdesk too hard and have some sort of rage blackout. When I come to, the credits are already rolling.

So what's the verdict, readers? Was Chikizie's birthday suit too much to handle? Is Archie ever going to (voluntarily) take his clothes off? Are you as close to giving up on David finding his true love as I am?

Keep those comments coming, and remember to tune in next week for more hopefully naked manflesh.

Date: 2011-05-21 05:12 pm (UTC)
ext_49544: cookleta (celeb - archie - oh my gosh)
From: [identity profile] aohatsu.livejournal.com
LEGIT JUST GOT THIS NOTIFICATION ON MY PHONE, CURSED OUT LOUD, JUMPED OVER A BASKET OF LAUNDRY AND LANDED IN FRONT OF MY LAPTOP. AKSJFASKF /READS

Date: 2011-05-21 05:18 pm (UTC)
ext_49544: cookleta (celeb - archie  - pink)
From: [identity profile] aohatsu.livejournal.com
this verse makes me laugh so much, idk, idk. it's amazing and wonderful and THE BACHELOOOOR. ♥ lol forever at secret russian spy!archie.

NOW FOR A RECAP OF EPISODE FIVE. :D

Date: 2011-05-22 10:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
YOUR REACTION MADE MY DAY, TY.

i will try to get on 5 asap, PROMISE.

Date: 2011-05-21 06:30 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] irishdf
This is the first time in weeks that I've been able to dive in to my Friends' List. (Hellooo Victoria Day Long Weekend.) And this is my reward. Yay. I love this series. And I was thinking "No way. It can't be... It is!!!"

Awesome as usual, my dear. And I can so see Archie being so sneakily good. And Jared and Jensen make my heart go pitter-patter as usual. Here's me. Grinning like a fool. *g* Thanks so much for giving us this lovely treat. :)

Date: 2011-05-22 10:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
heeeeeee, i have missed seeing you around, so i'm not complaining! :D glad you enjoyed this, bb.

Date: 2011-05-21 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

Date: 2011-05-21 06:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
I AM STARTING TO DISLIKE MICHAEL JOHNS QUITE A LOT, NGL. MYSTERIOUSLY SMUG, MY [CENSORED].

Date: 2011-05-21 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
oh my god the edit is my favorite.

Date: 2011-05-21 06:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
ahahaha SKINNY DIPPING. POOR ARCHIE. I CAN JUST SEE HIM TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT ANYONE.

Date: 2011-05-21 06:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
Who knew dirt and wheels weren't my thing? (I knew.)
MOJITO IS MY FAVORITE TV RECAPPER IN LIFE.

(while the rest of them presumably go back to trying to set themselves on fire).
AHAHAHAHA.

Suddenly Chekizie tipping his bike over at the start line is the most hilarious thing on the show.
sdkjaldfj LOL. BEST MENTAL IMAGE EVER.

Archie (looking surprisingly edible in his biking gear, rawr) lags behind as he attempts to help Jared keep his balance.
alksdjflksdjfs *CHOKES*

LOOKING SURPRISINGLY EDIBLE IN HIS BIKING GEAR, LOL FOREVER MOJITO. (also, unffffffffffff)

AND HIM HELPING JARED, OH HONEYYYYYYYYYY.

[Edited: Came back while (relatively) sober and thought about removing my cougar comment re: Archie in his biking gear. Cued up the ep again to prove it was the alcohol talking and realized--nope, not so much. Leaving it in.]
FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE. AHAHAHAHA.

Another life lesson, kids: do not put oversized puppies on motorcycles.
BECAUSE THEY WILL LOOK SURPRISINGLY EDIBLE? :DDDDDDDDDDDD

Chikizie appears out of nowhere and crashes into Jared, but Archie neglects to mention that he has seen the Tokyo instalment of the Fast and the Furious eight hundred times, and somehow manages to narrowly avoid disaster. (My carpet, on the other hand, is not so lucky. I was aiming the alcohol at my mouth, but I flunked the course on hand-eye coordination-while-drunk in college (aka beer-pong).)
oh my god SO MUCH HILARITY IN THIS PARAGRAPH, IDEK. ARCHIE BEING RIDICULOUSLY BADASS IS MY FAVORITE, OKAY. YESSSSSSSS. AND LOL FOREVER AT THE BEER PONG COMMENT.

Archie also manages to get past AJ, Chris and Michael Castro, and I am about to consult my 8-ball on the chances of him leading a double life as a Russian spy when Voiceover Man announces that Michael Johns has won the race.
ALKSDJSFJLSF ARCHIE IS SO AWESOME, YESSSSSSSSSS. DOUBLE LIFE AS A RUSSIAN SPY. I BET COOK WATCHING FROM BACKSTAGE WAS VERY IMPRESSED :D :D :D

MICHAEL JOHNS, YOU SUCK.

The first thing Jensen does is check up on Jared, and the show indulges in a long, slo-mo moment of Jensen patting his boyfriend down, complete with campy Cher music. It is my favorite scene of the series thus far (that does not involve naked manflesh).
THEY CAN HAVE EACH OTHER AS A CONSOLATION PRIZE. (omg lol CAN THEY BE CAUGHT MAKING OUT BY COOK OR SOMETHING AND THAT'S HOW/WHY THEY GET OUT. BECAUSE CLEARLY THEY DON'T WANT HIM, THEY WANT EACH OTHER. LOLOL) (but also *________*, J2)

He looks like a dirty-chic Calvin Klein model (as opposed to just dirty) (or jailbait) but with my Mojito-goggles on, even the heavily tattooed pirate on my beer bottle label looks attractive.
(or jailbait) IS PROBS WHAT COOK IS THINKING AMIRIGHT. and lol FOREVER, HEAVILY TATTOOED PIRATE.

David stops to have a few words with each of the bachelors
BUT WHAT KIND OF WORDS DID HE HAVE WITH ARCHIE, ABC, HOW COULD YOU NOT SHOW THIS IT IS CRUCIAL TO MY LIFE.

Then my left boob twinges (Sheila is my naked manflesh radar)
oh. my. god. I AM DYING, NATALIE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The Castros are helping each other undress, and I slosh even more alcohol on my carpet when I cheer.
SEE ALSO: ELIMINATION PLAN FOR J2 ABOVE. ALSO APPLICABLE HERE. CASTROS <3

AJ and David H. compare their junk, and the camera cuts to Jared looking over and laughing.
*snorts*

Jensen is stealing glances at him, and he doesn't sound apologetic at all when he says, "It's a pool full of naked, good-looking guys, man. 'Course I'm gonna look."
LALALALALA J2 ARE BEING REALLY CUTE HEEEEEEEEEEERE. :D

Then the show cuts back to Michael Johns and David trying to figure out the basics of a waltz, and I pass out after choking on my own laughter.
hahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (also >:| you SUCK, Michael Johns)

Date: 2011-05-21 07:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
Sheila wakes me up again just in time for me to see Chris push Archie (fully clothed) into the pool and jump in after him. I yell at her for failing in quality control.
hahahahaha SHEILA. CAN I JUST. NATALIE I HAVE A YOUTUBE VIDEO TO SHOW YOU ABOUT WHY THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS THING IN LIFE.

ABC makes up for it with David H. giving Jensen a lapdance in the pool. Judging from his (and Jared's) face, I am more excited about this than they are.
J2222222222222222. ALSO LOL, THEY ARE NOT EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

(For those of you invested in the Bachelor's emotional journey, you'll be pleased to hear that him and Michael Johns share a long, face-melting kiss, and then several shorter sweeter ones, during their ride back to the house. Michael Johns is also offered a rose. Which he accepts.)
DISLIKE. DISLIKE. THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THAT (MYSTERIOUSLY SMUG) MICHAEL JOHNS THAT I SEVERELY DISLIKE. PROBABLY THAT HE WAS MYSTERIOUSLY SMUG THAT ONE TIME AND NOW HE'S MAKING OUT WITH THE BACHELOR. LOSERFACE.

He is so unprintably boring that, out of desperation, I headdesk too hard and have some sort of rage blackout.
PC IS BORING, DAVID COOK, YOU LAMEFACE. LASKDJFSLKDF GO AWAY. DON'T BE PC, WE WANT THE DIRT. (also, LOL MOJITO)

What's the verdict, readers?
SURPRISINGLY MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS CHAPTER EPISODE WAS THE SPORTS/ARCHIE BEING TOTALLY SEXY AND BADASS ON A MOTORCYCLE FUCK YES.

Was Chikizie's birthday suit too much to handle?
UM, THERE IS NO NICE WAY TO SAY--YES.

Is Archie ever going to (voluntarily) take his clothes off?
MAYBE IF THE BACHELOR IS TRYING TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM, I BET THAT WOULD WORK WONDERS. I AM JUST SAYING. LDSJFALFASDFS FAS UNF.

Are you as close to giving up on David finding his true love as I am?
YES, BECAUSE HE IS STUPID AND MICHAEL JOHNS IS STUPID AND DAVID ARCHULETA IS AWESOME. AND HE DIDN'T INTERACT WITH HIM THIS EPISODE BECAUSE HE'S A STUPIDFACELAMEHEAD. /kindergarten insults
Edited Date: 2011-05-21 07:00 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-05-21 07:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
oh my gosh I LOVE THIS VERSE SO MUCH :D :D :D

Date: 2011-05-21 07:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
ALSO, YOUTUBE VIDEO AS PROMISED.




I REALIZE PARTS OF THIS ARE IN HINDI, BUT A LOT OF IT IS IN ENGLISH, INCLUDING THE IMPORTANT PART. THIS IS WHAT I WAS THINKING OF EVERY SINGLE TIME SHEILA WAS MENTIONED. ONLY IT WAS LIKE, A BOOB SINGING THIS SONG. OR SOMETHING IDEK.

Date: 2011-05-21 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rajkumari905.livejournal.com
BEAMBEAMBEAM THIS MADE MY DAY NATALIE. <3

Date: 2011-05-22 10:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
YOU MAKE MY DAY PRI~

I WILL TRY TO MAKE DAVID LESS OF A STUPIDHEAD IN THE NEXT ONE, BUT YOU KNOW HOW PC HE IS. IT WILL BE DIFFICULT.

Date: 2011-05-22 10:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
*_____________________*

THIS IS SHEILA'S NEW THEME SONG I AM NOT EVEN GONNA LIE. I AM GOING TO HAVE THIS SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD ALL DAY NOW.

Date: 2011-05-28 08:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] asweetdownfall.livejournal.com
THIS COMMENT = A+.

YOU = A++++.

Es todo.

/will stop being a creeper now

Date: 2011-07-17 08:50 am (UTC)
ext_34679: (Default)
From: [identity profile] pixiebeanz.livejournal.com
HAHAHA YES.

Date: 2011-05-22 10:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
YOUR EDIT IS MY FAVOURITE

Date: 2011-05-21 06:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silvercrystal1.livejournal.com
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

Date: 2011-05-21 06:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silvercrystal1.livejournal.com
Bachelor!Au is update?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!!

Date: 2011-05-21 06:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silvercrystal1.livejournal.com
This is the best post first year of college present ever!!! :D

Date: 2011-05-22 10:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
heee! oh my gosh, CONGRATULATIONS ON SURVIVING~

i'm stoked you enjoyed! yay for serendipitous presents!

Date: 2011-05-21 07:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bloodbelieve.livejournal.com
*____________________*

Date: 2011-05-22 10:37 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-05-21 07:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penrith1.livejournal.com
This write up is an hilarious commentary. I loved it. Are you going to carry on? I'd like to see Archie loosen up too and the bachelor notice him. Great come back.

Date: 2011-05-22 10:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
thank you! i'm pleased you liked it! and i'm absolutely planning to continue. i actually have everything planned up to the finale. it's just a matter of finding the time to write it. :D

Date: 2011-05-21 07:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] clover71.livejournal.com
i love love love love everything about this episode recap. except... why did michael johns have to win that race? it'll be a huge blow (for michael) if he kept on winning the challenges but david will end up choosing archie in the end. yay!

this is awesomely funny bb. you win in life.



Date: 2011-05-22 10:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
bahahahaha, UNFORTCH THE LEVEL-HEADED KID IN ME KEEPS GOING ARCHIE CAN'T WIN EVERYTHING DON'T BE STUPID NAT! so he keeps... not winning. it's very sad. BUT I WILL TRY TO RECTIFY THAT SOON.

i'm glad you liked this, bb! <3

Date: 2011-05-21 10:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] littleadder.livejournal.com
I have been pining after this story for a month or two. Do you hear me, PINING. SO HARD. I JUST FLIPPED A SHIT, THIS MAKES ME GLEEFUL IN A VERY UNHEALTHY WAY.

Date: 2011-05-22 10:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
heeeeee! THIS MAKES ME THRILLED IN A VERY UNHEALTHY WAY. sorry about the pining, bb, i will attempt to do better!

Date: 2011-05-22 04:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] therealesther.livejournal.com
UPDATE ON BACHELOR!FIC WTF IS THIS REAL LIFE

Date: 2011-05-22 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] therealesther.livejournal.com
BADASS LEATHER-CLAD ARCHIE FTMFW

*dies laughing*

Date: 2011-05-22 10:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
IKR. MOTIVATION FOR FINISHING THIS CHAPTER RIGHT THERE. :D

Date: 2011-05-22 05:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] james-padfoot.livejournal.com
NAT I LOVE YOU I AM SO HAPPY YOU CANNOT EVEN KNOW AND HAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS SO MUCH OMG

Date: 2011-05-23 11:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE HAPPY

Date: 2011-05-23 10:15 am (UTC)
descartes: kaonashi fading away (if you like it (put a ring on it))
From: [personal profile] descartes
THIS STORY IS GOOD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL GOOD.

AND BY GOOD I MEAN I WANT TO MAKE YOU RECAP EVERY RIDIC REALITY SHOW EVER, BUT ESPECIALLY THE SHOWS THAT YOU MAKE UP AND I DEARLY WISH EXIST.

Chikizie appears out of nowhere and crashes into Jared, but Archie neglects to mention that he has seen the Tokyo instalment of the Fast and the Furious eight hundred times, and somehow manages to narrowly avoid disaster.
EVERY LINE IS PURE GOLD, BUT THE IMAGE OF ARCHIE DRIFTING WITH A BICYCLE ISN'T JUST 24 KARATS, BUT STUDDED WITH SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS AND DIPPED IN DOM PERIGNON.

ILU AND MY BROKEN CAPSLOCK KEY LOVES YOU TOO.

Date: 2011-05-23 11:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
OA;LSKFRSDGODSKLHGDF YOUR COMMENTS. YOUR ANALOGIES. YOU SHOULD JUST TAKE OVER WRITING THIS THING FOR ME WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Date: 2011-05-28 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] asweetdownfall.livejournal.com
lamkgldmgldsjlfmjldsmflafnmslk FUCK MY LIFE. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS MAKE ME MISS OUT ON FIC. ESPECIALLY FIC FROM YOU. AUUUUGH. /whinging

This is fabulous as always, Nat. AND EFFFFF THE MENTAL IMAGE OF ARCHIE ON A MOTORCYCLE?! Be still, my heart.

Next time don't take two years to update, yes? ;)

Date: 2011-05-29 04:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
*CUDDLES FOREVERRRRRRRRRRR* WELL YOU ARE HERE NOW THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

also that mental image is totally what drove this chapter into being, so this is all pri's fault. ;D

and I WILL TRY, I PROMISE.

Date: 2011-06-07 07:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deepshame.livejournal.com
Man, I love this series so, so much. Seriously. You're amazing. Aaaaaaah. ♥

Date: 2011-06-08 10:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] epicflailer.livejournal.com
asdoifkjhgdf D'AWWW THANK YOU :D

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Date: 2016-08-18 09:37 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
New photo blog
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