amfiguree: (cookleta!<3)
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[American Idol/BSB/N'sync/Supernatural RPS] [David Archuleta/David Cook; David Cook/Several Others] [PG]

This one goes out to [ profile] rajkumari905, who very generously bid on me in the [ profile] help_japan auction. I promised her Archie on a motorcycle, and it turned into the perfect activity for the next chapter of bachelor verse (IT HAS BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE THE LAST UPDATE, GOOD GOD, WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING, I AM SO SORRY, Y'ALL). so. ENJOY, PRI, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU ♥

Merry Men

The Bachelor Recap: Episode Four

In this week's showdown, the bachelors race to the finish to prove they're willing to get their hands dirty, but in the end, only one of them gets to waltz away with the prize. Where by prize I mean one-on-one time with the Bachelor, and by waltz I mean... well, waltz.

I'm starting to question (more than usual) my decision to recap this show, and even the bikes aren't enough to quell my regret. More sports, ABC? Seriously?

That's right, ladies and queens (and fellow disgruntled TV recappers just trying to make ends meet): today, the bachelors are going dirt-biking. After at least a week of celibacy, testosterone levels are at an all-time high, and the guys trade the usual mandatory dirty riding jokes as they're saddled up in their gear. I toy with the mint leaves in my nearly-empty Mojito glass while I try not to fall asleep.

Who knew dirt and wheels weren't my thing? (I knew.)

To add insult to injury, there is zero sign of naked manflesh. The bachelors are given a short talk on safety (as well as full-length fireproof bodysuits, because they are apparently all liable to explode into flames at any given second) and it is revealed that the winner of the race will get to go for a private lunch with Prince Charming (while the rest of them presumably go back to trying to set themselves on fire).

It only takes downing the rest of my jug of Mojitos to get me pumped for the race. Suddenly Chekizie tipping his bike over at the start line is the most hilarious thing on the show. Jason gives children everywhere a free demonstration on why weed and heavy machinery do not mix when he swerves into David H. and takes them both out of the race. Jensen and Michael Johns pull ahead. Chris and Michael Castro battle it out for third and fourth place, AJ on their tails. Archie (looking surprisingly edible in his biking gear, rawr) lags behind as he attempts to help Jared keep his balance.

Another life lesson, kids: do not put oversized puppies on motorcycles.

[Edited: Came back while (relatively) sober and thought about removing my cougar comment re: Archie in his biking gear. Cued up the ep again to prove it was the alcohol talking and realized--nope, not so much. Leaving it in.]

Chikizie appears out of nowhere and crashes into Jared, but Archie neglects to mention that he has seen the Tokyo instalment of the Fast and the Furious eight hundred times, and somehow manages to narrowly avoid disaster. (My carpet, on the other hand, is not so lucky. I was aiming the alcohol at my mouth, but I flunked the course on hand-eye coordination-while-drunk in college (aka beer-pong).)

Archie also manages to get past AJ, Chris and Michael Castro, and I am about to consult my 8-ball on the chances of him leading a double life as a Russian spy when Voiceover Man announces that Michael Johns has won the race.

The first thing Jensen does is check up on Jared, and the show indulges in a long, slo-mo moment of Jensen patting his boyfriend down, complete with campy Cher music. It is my favorite scene of the series thus far (that does not involve naked manflesh).

Then the Bachelor steps out of the stands where he's apparently been watching the whole thing. He looks like a dirty-chic Calvin Klein model (as opposed to just dirty) (or jailbait) but with my Mojito-goggles on, even the heavily tattooed pirate on my beer bottle label looks attractive.

David stops to have a few words with each of the bachelors, and then is spirited away with Michael Johns to a scenic picnic spot on top of a cliff somewhere. I doze while they share champagne and "connect". Then my left boob twinges (Sheila is my naked manflesh radar) and I realize the show is interspersing David and Michael Johns' love story with the remaining bachelors going skinny dipping back at the house.

The Castros are helping each other undress, and I slosh even more alcohol on my carpet when I cheer. I decide to write in to ABC to let them know that the only acceptable sports dates henceforth should always involve skinny dipping. AJ and David H. compare their junk, and the camera cuts to Jared looking over and laughing. Jensen is stealing glances at him, and he doesn't sound apologetic at all when he says, "It's a pool full of naked, good-looking guys, man. 'Course I'm gonna look."

I am unbearably turned on.

Then the show cuts back to Michael Johns and David trying to figure out the basics of a waltz, and I pass out after choking on my own laughter.

Sheila wakes me up again just in time for me to see Chris push Archie (fully clothed) into the pool and jump in after him. I yell at her for failing in quality control. ABC makes up for it with David H. giving Jensen a lapdance in the pool. Judging from his (and Jared's) face, I am more excited about this than they are.

I also spend the next date interlude replaying the scene in my head. (For those of you invested in the Bachelor's emotional journey, you'll be pleased to hear that him and Michael Johns share a long, face-melting kiss, and then several shorter sweeter ones, during their ride back to the house. Michael Johns is also offered a rose. Which he accepts.)

Chikizie is worried when Chris Harrison calls them all inside and tells them the champagne ceremony is about to start. He keeps his shirt off. I decide he must be want to be sent home. I start yelling, "Fire him! Fire him!" at my TV.

David fires him does not offer him a glass of champagne.

I cheer.

David starts to explain why Chikizie isn't the right one.

He is so unprintably boring that, out of desperation, I headdesk too hard and have some sort of rage blackout. When I come to, the credits are already rolling.

So what's the verdict, readers? Was Chikizie's birthday suit too much to handle? Is Archie ever going to (voluntarily) take his clothes off? Are you as close to giving up on David finding his true love as I am?

Keep those comments coming, and remember to tune in next week for more hopefully naked manflesh.
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