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[N'sync] [Basez] [PG]
You’ve Got Mail
A Series. Lance and JC kinda break up. The guys have to live with it, and to deal, they write letters. Will they be able to make it through?
Author’s Note: And yes, by the way, the title IS stolen from the movie. Unless you think I made it up before it came out. Well, continue thinking that way if you want, I really have no qualms about it. *Smiles*
I just finished watching the PopOdyssey video for the first time. Yeah, yeah, slow, I know. (Hey, blame Singapore for slow production).Oh mah gawd… I was blown away. Seriously. It rocked me dead. Well, the No Strings Attached concert rocked too. They were both… amazing. Drop-dead-adrenaline-charge-go-go-go-guys-come-on-rock-it-I’ve-just-seen-it-all-they-are-incredible remarkable. Lol… see, I still have that N’sync rush. They were sooooo good.
And was it just me? Or did anyone else notice Lance CRYING in Gone. I’m 85.8% sure he was crying. There were tears trickling down his cheek cos I honestly doubt sweat works that way. And JC was… sad. Forlorn. Whatever-you-want-to-call-it. He had this lost puppy dog look. Gosh, that killed me. Done it. If I *ever* had any doubt that my love for N’sync was fading then gawsh, this put it right back on track. *Sigh* I’m gushing again, I know, I know, but whoo… This was just… mmm… yummy-licious!
So anyway, this piece on fanfic is based on what I saw in the performance. It’s like, well, I don’t know, but this is how I THINK it would work out if I was in charge of their lives. Which we all know is impossible. More than. So.
Yeah, well, girls can dream.
Also, anything I write that any of the guys say in a show (e.g. a line from Rosie’s show) it’s all crap. Anything that I said they said on any show besides the concert is crap. Comprehend? Good.
Letter #1: Chris
Dear Dani,
How are you, baby? I can’t wait to see you again! God, it’s crazy over here. Everything seems to be crashing down on us. JC and Lance are still fighting. And JC’s just getting more torn up over everything. I know Lance is sorry too, but he doesn’t show it, and JC gets more and more hurt each time. I wish there was more I could do to help him. He’s just starting to wear out.
That day, during the concert, we sang so many songs that just seemed to hit too close to home. If you get the CD, watch it and you’ll understand. When we sang the Two Of Us, I think C really cracked up inside. He was just singing with everything he had, all that pent up emotion and stuff, and it came out beautifully. There was this underlying tone of pain that I doubt anyone else caught, but god, you should’ve heard him.
Lance knew what he meant. Lance knew. It was like a signal for the both of them but neither took the chance. Lance is just too proud, and JC’s too scared. But who can blame them? It’s not like they LIKE being in this position, they hate it, I know. But who can help them? How? We can’t do a thing if they don’t try to help themselves. I wish Lance would open his mouth and say sorry already. But I don’t think he’s going to do that.
This isn’t doing either of them any good. Sometimes snatches of that stupid conversation with Diane still play in my head. Oh, I heard it all right, heard it loud and clear. He was sitting there on the bed and I was passing by the room with a glass of water and I couldn’t help overhearing stuff. And no, I wasn’t eavesdropping!
Anyway, he was saying something like, “But, mom, I can’t… it’s not fair to… but you… okay, fine.” As soon as he said that I KNEW something was bad. And then he pulled the surprise on us the next day. He didn’t exactly show it till later on, but… the tension between him and Jace… we all felt it, I know we did. How could we not?
Lance was/is always obvious about things he’s decided on. His supposed subtle hints weren’t enough, I guess, because we only thought they’d had a quarrel, because JC was going around like his usual spastic, hyper self and we were all having a blast. I guess we weren’t careful enough to notice the pang of hurt that appeared in his eyes every time Lance just shrugged him off. It sucks, you know. Because JC doesn’t deserve this shit. And neither does Lance.
They’re both amazing people, who put up with asses like me, for some absurd reason. And they should be given rewards for being able to do that, because, well, they’re good that way. And they love each other. Really, REALLY love each other. Like I love you. Or like you love me. And love like that shouldn’t be dragged through the mud like this. Because as easy as the fairytales make it sound to end up together after all their tough trials, this is life. And we don’t always get our happy endings.
And we should. Especially people like JC and Lance.
Because they’ve put everything they’ve got on the line just to save this relationship and work things out, so much so that everything should just smoothen out and work for them from now on. The fans have been amazingly supportive and that’s just wonderful, but I wish, I really wish, that things could be easier on them. They deserve at least that.
JC cried the other day. I think that’s the whole point to this long letter about him. The fact that he cried after the concert. I was scared, really. I’ve never seen him cry that openly with me except that once after Lance’s screaming session. That was the first time he actually came, voluntarily, to me when he was scared. No, it’s not true. I’m the first one he comes to in times like these, after Lance, that is – hey, I didn’t get that psychology degree by luck – but he was CRYING. I just stayed with him and rubbed his back the whole night, praying that he would be okay.
He was still hurting in the morning and we went into the breakfast place together, both with identical eye bags. He because of his crying, and I because of my lack of sleep. The guys laughed half-heartedly at us, and Lance sat with Lonnie and Dre instead. I almost slapped him. But we all knew how he felt about it. And I knew even more clearly, because I had heard that call. It still sucked. And we all felt bad for JC.
After that, JC’s come to me every night. The next time we book a hotel, I’m gonna room with him so it’s easier on both of us. I guess there’s just something that makes it easier to talk to me about these kinda things. I’ve grown more accustomed to watching JC cry now. It doesn’t shock me that much. He doesn’t cry just like that, y’see. Usually he smiles painfully and lies down and I lie down on the bed next to him. But when I turn to him to say goodnight, there are tears running down his cheeks and his eyes are closed, so I leave him alone.
The concerts were good after that. They controlled their feelings like pros – though I don’t doubt that’s what Lance is, with Diane and all – and performed like normal. But JC never seems to have that little sparkle in him anymore. It’s like he got the life sucked out of him or something. He’s missing that one small part to being the normal perfectionist he already is. And I think it’s showing.
He just needs that one more little push and he’s going to reel. That’s another thing we can all tell. He’s been locking himself up in his own room during the day for ages now, I know. But there’s really nothing I can do. I know he’s drinking. But I don’t know how to stop it. I know he’s thinking of one-night-stands to help him forget all his pain, but I also know he won’t go for it. He wouldn’t. He can’t. He just doesn’t have it in him. He’s got too much of Lance in his heart already.
Don’t you think he deserves better than this, Dani? He’s hurting so bad right now and all he needs is a friend. Actually, if it were that simple, I wouldn’t mind. But what he really needs… is Lance.
I just wish they could both see that.
Love you and take care,
Chris.
Chris sighed and put down his fountain pen, taking off his reading glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose silently. He switched off the light on the writing desk in the hotel and climbed into bed, his body catlike and noiseless as he slipped under the covers.
He lay down quietly before turning to look at JC’s face. The brunette was sleeping fitfully, his eyebrows furrowed, an agitated expression on his face. JC whimpered softly and Chris reached out to squeeze his shoulder impulsively, trying to offer what comfort he could.
JC finally quieted down and went back to peaceful slumber.
Softly, Chris shifted again. Even in the dark, he could see the sparkling moisture dampening JC’s cheek. Chris licked his lips and sighed again, wishing there was more he could do. He hated seeing JC so upset, hated seeing Lance so torn…
“If only, if only, if only this were easier.” He whispered to himself, as he closed his eyes and allowed JC’s ragged, uneven breathing to lull him to sleep.
Letter #2: Joey
Hey Kelly,
Is Bri okay? How’s mom? You holding up good? I wish you were here with me. I miss you so fricking much. And I could use an extra hand around here right about now. It would be the perfect timing.
Anyway, you asked, in your previous letter, about JC and Lance. Well, I think we went too far this time. C’s always been able to take all our shit. But that day he just… I used to wonder sometimes if the guy even had a limit – his patience with us was endless – and I guess I got my answer. We pushed him too hard this time. Honestly.
This isn’t even Lance’s fault. Lance is hurting like hell, I know he is. He’s so torn right now. That call from his mom… he just didn’t know how to deal. When she told him she wanted him to break up with C, it killed him. He’s never done anything against his mom’s will. It’s true, y’know, he really IS a momma’s boy. And he’s proud of it. So that call was a huge blow.
But he handled it wrong. He handled it frickin’ badly. I mean, if he had just broken the news gently it wouldn’t have been half bad. But to say it, out loud, in front of Johnny and the fans and everything… that must’ve killed Jace. Of course he didn’t say it outright, but his actions, his words… it was so clear then. To all of us.
The way he refused to hold JC’s hand, even in the car. The way he turned away from JC every time the guy tried to smile at him, the way he sang ‘This I Promise You’ without a single glance at Jace… I know that last bit killed any ray of hope JC had left. That was brutal. It was downright vicious. And telling Rosie that he was a ‘free man with no thought of a relationship at the moment’, god, that was cruel. I swear JC almost cried. He was biting his lip so hard…
And then that other night. We all heard their argument. Well, Lance was doing most of the screaming, saying that JC just didn’t fit into the picture he had of himself in future, and that it was impossible between them. Man, Lance can be so cold. And JC just took it, I know, because we all saw him the next morning. Chris saw him earlier than that. Chris was with him the whole night.
But I know Lance has recovered now. He’s over it. His mom’s accepted it. He wants JC back. But his stupid ego is stopping him from apologizing. God, you’d think that after all these years… so, naturally, we thought of a plan to help those two. And, even more naturally, we screwed everything up royally.
We thought pushing them together in the tour would help. They’d be stuck together so much that they’d HAVE to get everything sorted out. And they both agreed, as usual. We even went so far as to make sure they had breathing spaces in between the dance steps and stuff, not that many, but we tried. And they went along with it. Not a word of complaint besides the usual grumbling. They even managed to bear everything with a smile. They didn’t make up.
Then, on the day we were being FILMED, god, of all days… Lance broke down. JC broke down. JC was the first. I doubt anyone heard it, really, but his voice cracked – three times – during THEIR song. Lance didn’t even look at him. Well, he GLANCED, but they never actually looked each other in the eye.
And during Gone… Gone was the last straw. Lance cried. He frickin’ CRIED. I don’t know if the camera caught him but I sure hope not. I heard him sniffling in his room as I walked past a while ago. Anyway, he shot this look at JC before turning away quickly. I know. I caught that look. And JC’s pained looks as he sang. JC kept his eyes closed for mostly the whole song. Lance thrives on pressure, so he managed to keep that happy-go-lucky demeanor throughout the whole concert, but JC… he just lets his feelings get the better of him.
And even during Something Like You… they changed the choreography at the last minute so that they wouldn’t have to come face-to-face. They didn’t even glance at each other. Not one look. I don’t know how they did it. If I were them, I know I wouldn’t have managed that.
But later, after the show, JC just went to the back of the bus and cried. I went in and saw him. We all did. Except Lance. Lance stayed in the front with our driver. I remember C shaking his head and sobbing and looking up at us with that helpless expression that hurt us so bad… and he said he couldn’t take it anymore, that dealing with Lance like this was just too tough, that he needed a breather, that he didn’t want this anymore, that he couldn’t take this shit, that he wanted it all to stop, that he loved Lance and he didn’t know why the rest of the world couldn’t see it, that he wanted Lance, needed Lance, and that he just wished it was over.
We cried together. And then he wiped his eyes, smiled, and told us he was okay. And that it was just a temporary breakdown and that he would be fine in the morning.
At the hotel, he went straight to his room and crashed. He’s still in there and has been for the past few weeks since that night. Well, actually, he’s started rooming with Chris. So they both hole up in the room together. Same thing after every concert. Night after night after night. I don’t know how he’s holding up. I can only hope he’s okay. I wish they’d just resolve this already. Things would be so much easier if you were here.
But Lance isn’t doing all that good either. I know he’s tired and miserable and he just needs a little motivation to get him started, so he can, y’know, get back with C. They need more time, that’s all. I just don’t know how long more this is gonna take. It’s going to be rough, I can tell you, but they’ll patch up again. It’s just… it’s the waiting that’s going to hurt us. And every time they don’t take a chance, a little bit of hope of them reconciling slips away.
It’s scary, Kel, because JC and Lance were the strongest, most beautiful couple we knew. And now… they’ve become like this, all because of the deadly web of circumstance. It’s not Lance’s fault that his mom acted that way, it’s not JC’s fault that Diane didn’t like him, it’s not Diane’s fault that she felt JC was not the one for her son… it’s just… maybe it’s too late for that now.
But I don’t think either of them is at fault. I just think JC is hurting worse than Lance is.
What should I do? Help me, Kel.
Love,
Joey.
Joey threw down his ballpoint pen, rolling his neck to get the kinks out of his system. He looked up at the sound of Lance’s deep bass, smiling. “Hey Joe, watcha doing?”
Joey folded the letter neatly and slipped it into an envelope ready to post. “Nothing much.”
“You wanna go for a movie or something?”
“Lance,” Joey looked the green-eyed youth straight in the eye, deciding that this had gone on long enough and the best way to work with Lance was speaking frankly. Beating around the bush never worked with the blond. “Don’t you think you should resolve this JC thing?”
There was an awkward, thoughtful pause before Lance spoke again.
“Yeah, but god Joey, I don’t know where to start.”
Joey nodded, clapping a bear like hand over Lance’s shoulder. “If you need someone to talk, you know where to find me. Just make sure you don’t go breaking more hearts here now, y’hear? Five hearts is a hard number to achieve in itself.”
This was meant to be a joke and Lance took it as such.
“Yeah, whatever, Fatone.”
Joey smiled and waved as Lance wandered back to his own room, movie forgotten, before dropping his chin back down onto his palm and staring idly out the window again.
“Hey.”
Joey jerked up, smiling when he saw JC at the door. “Jace, dude, my man! How are ya?”
JC managed a hollow chuckle. “Jesus Joe, you don’t have to act like you didn’t see me at the meeting a few hours ago.”
“Yeah, but a few hours is a long time, man.” Pause. “Listen, you feeling any better?” Joey asked, suddenly serious.
JC nodded, uncharacteristically silent and still as his eyes clouded over. “I kinda wanted to NOT talk about it today, y’know?”
“Yeah. Okay. Fine. Um. How’s… Heather?”
“Joe, stop hitting on my sis,” JC joked.
Joey rolled his eyes. “Even I’m not that desperate,” he retorted.
JC punched Joey in the arm, glaring mock angrily, “Hey! I resent that!”
And the two laughed the afternoon away. But both could sense the underlying tension in the atmosphere and both prayed that this emotional crisis would soon be over. For all their sakes.
Letter #3: Justin
Dear Brit,
How are you, Pinky? I haven’t called you in a long time, I know. I’m so sorry. There just hasn’t been TIME. I’ll call you at the soonest chance I get, I promise, but right now, I’m doing the next best thing and writing you a letter. There’s so much I need to get off my chest. And you know talking to you always helps me.
So… it’s about JC. And Lance. Two of my best pals. One from way back, like the older brother I never had and one my closest friend. What do I do? I should take JC’s side, really, because Lance is being stupid and letting his male ego get in the way. But… Lance isn’t exactly the one to blame. Yes, he’s crazy for letting his mom run his life this way, but it’s HIS life. Who are we to say if he’s right or not?
But then again. JC didn’t ask for this. God knows how many times he risked his everything to keep this relationship going strong. He’s given so much of himself to Lance that it’s only fair he should get the same kind of love back. I know he would give up his family if it meant staying with Lance. Because Lance is everything to him. He would be the best husband, best friend, best everything to Lance. I just don’t understand how Lance can NOT see that. Luckily, Karen and Roy are so understanding through all this so that helps JC a lot.
But it doesn’t change anything. Because JC needs Lance like he needs to breathe. It’s crazy that they can stay apart this long. They shouldn’t be able to. There should be a law against couples who are totally in love from being apart for more than two weeks. It’s been four MONTHS. I’ve counted. Everyday JC just seems to get more distant. And Lance seems to get more wrapped up in work. And I get more torn in between.
It’s not like they’re MAKING me choose one of them. They would NEVER do that. But it’s awkward, sometimes. Because Joey and Chris are so fiercely protective over C now that I think Lance needs a supporter but I can’t help feeling that I’m betraying Jace if I do this. See? I have no clue what I’m supposed to do.
Yes, seeing JC cry was the scariest experience of my life, because it proved that the strongest man I’ve ever known CAN crumble and that makes life seem so much more THERE, so much more real. You understand, don’t you? But Lance IS helpless, too. He’s just too proud to cry or ask for help. And he flourishes under stress, he really does. He acts so well that I don’t understand how they can NOT offer him a Grammy Award. His smiles and handshakes and demeanor is totally normal, even brighter than usual sometimes.
But even he broke that day, Brit. He cried during Gone. I watched the video before any of them did – Joey is watching the CD now – and I frigging SAW his tears. Most of the fans will think it’s sweat, but we know better. He didn’t cry after that. He just smiled and went along with it. But JC broke down. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He’s been carrying this weight with him ever since the day Lance pulled away from his touch in the car like he’d been burnt. Ever since then, they’ve never actually been as close. And all those rehearsals that we THOUGHT and HOPED would throw them together didn’t work. They backfired on us, Brit.
So at first, JC went around hurting inside and Lance continued hating on the whole world for about a week since the stupid phone call from Diane which started all this in the first place. Then they had their infamous showdown. Which sent JC crying to Chris. I can totally understand that. Lance was… harsh. Really. We could all hear it. And I don’t think JC even raised his voice. I heard pleas, I heard sobs, I heard Lance throwing stuff against the wall, I heard a resigned voice, then I heard the door slamming and JC running to Chris’ room.
I heard him crying.
Then the next few weeks of practices and stuff were okay for all of us. Mostly because Lance and JC are so considerate towards our feelings. I don’t think I know anyone more self-sacrificing than C, or anyone more considerate of others’ feelings than Lance. They’re such a perfect pair, Brit.
I love both of them so much. I’m aching for them inside right now. I wish there was a clear solution in this big mess, but there isn’t. I need your support right now, Brit, cos I think I’m breaking apart too. And I need to be strong. For Lance. And for Jace. They need us to be strong.
WE need us to be strong.
God, I sound like a desperate little five-year-old kid. That’s how bad things are around here. I think we need to help them get over this. JC’s looking old and tired and Lance is… not himself. He’s going around laughing and talking cheerfully, but even that’s taking it’s toll and Melinda’s already asked us ten thousand times why his eyes are so red in the morning. We never have an answer.
No one else can tell they’re fighting, Brit. They’re covering it up so well. I just wish… y’know, if there was something, ANYTHING, I could do to clear this up, I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. But now all I can do is pray. Lance should be okay, because he’s always okay, even under the toughest times and right now is probably difficult for him, but he’ll come out okay, like all the other times he’s come out okay. But I’m worried about Jace. He’s strong, I grant you that. And if he’s already so broken over this, I don’t think it’s going to take much more to get him down. I want to help so desperately… I hate feeling useless.
So I’ve learnt something from all this. I will NEVER hurt you. Never. When times get tough, just know this – I will always love you. And I would NEVER let anyone change that. If anything ever gets me down, you’re the first one that comes to my mind, and I feel happier knowing that you’re gonna be there for me. I love you, Brit, I love you so much.
But right now, I need to know someone still cares. That’s really all I need. Some assurance. And some hope. ANY hope.
With love, yours ever,
Justin.
Exasperatedly, Justin put the pen in between his teeth and chewed thoughtfully on it, reading through his letter once more. “Ah, what the heck,” he muttered, dropping the pen and stuffing the letter into an envelope before someone else saw it. He ran a hand over his head, relishing the coolness of the air against his scalp before resting his chin on his elbow.
He looked up when he heard someone enter the room. It was Lance. “Hey Just, can we talk?” the deep bass rumbled.
Justin smiled and nodded, “Course.”
“Um.” Lance sat down and stared at his fingernails uncomfortably. “So.” He paused, biting on his lip, a sign Justin recognized as a nervous tendency. Justin continued watching Lance silently, waiting for the blond to continue talking. “Well, I’ve… I’ve been an ass. I know. I’m sorry. This is tearing y’all up and you guys don’t deserve that.”
Justin smiled, placing a hand on Lance’s shoulder. “Look buddy. You weren’t being an ass. You were being a momma’s boy. No one’s mad at you for that. If you’d just apologize, everything would be better, y’know.”
“Yeah, I do.” Lance confessed, twiddling his thumbs together. “I just don’t know what to say or do. It’s not like my mom is a hundred percent okay with this. I mean, I know she says she is. But it’s not like anyone can accept this kinda thing in a few weeks, you know? And I don’t want to do anything she doesn’t want me to. Yeah, Josh means the world to me, but if my mom wants me to give him up then…” Lance’s voice cracked, “Then that’s what I’ll do.”
“Why, Lance?”
“Because she brought me up. Because blood is thicker than water. Because I can TRY to find a second guy, but I CAN’T find a second mom. Because my mom took care of me when I was young and brought me up and I owe her at least this. It’s bad enough I’m always travelling and can’t spend more time with her, so I have to try to make her happy, Justin. She deserves at least that.”
Justin nodded sympathetically. “That’s why no one’s blaming you for this, Lance. It’s not your fault, we know. We understand. But your mom’s already given you the go-ahead. So…”
“I’m scared he’ll turn me down, Justin.”
“He would never do that Lance. He can’t. He loves you too much.”
“I don’t deserve him. Not after the way I treated him.”
“He’ll understand, Lance.”
“He shouldn’t. Even I don’t understand myself half the time, why should he?” Lance sighed, rubbing his forehead and standing up abruptly. “Look, I gotta go. Thanks J… for talking to me… and for listening.”
“Anytime, buddy,” Justin whispered, hugging his friend. “Anytime.”
Hours later, Justin was still sitting on the same chair, with his head in the same position, staring out into space. He saw JC walk past the room, head bowed, hands trembling as he gingerly fingered the piece of material in his hands. Justin caught a flash of white before JC was out of sight completely.
Justin sighed – it was Lance’s white sparkly shirt, one that he had gotten after much persuasion on JC’s part. Justin closed his eyes and let weariness take over his senses as he fell asleep, dreaming of times when the group had been a happy family, where everyone was contented just to hang out together, and JC and Lance were the match made from heaven.
Letter #4: Lance
Dear Laura,
They caught me crying. Shit.
Sorry. That was all I could think when I started this letter to you. Let’s try again. Um, how are you? Is everything down South good? Hope so. I know things here are far from perfect. Mom didn’t think Josh was good for me, so she told me to break up with him, and I did. I was fricking cruel. I was downright evil. And I’m feeling so damn guilty about the way I treated him.
Mom shouldn’t be able to do this to me, you know. She can make me feel so guilt-ridden about something that’s so right. I KNOW he’s the one, Laura. Who else could be? You saw us together, you can see it’s right, can’t you? The whole world can see it… except Mom. And she’s the one I respect and listen to the most. I keep thinking that there should be SOME way I could convince her of accepting Josh. But I don’t think that’s possible.
She’s starting to accept it now, I know. But I don’t think she ever will be able to. That means I can never go after Josh, MY Josh, MY future. Yes, she’s given me the green light and she apologized for the horrible things she called me and Josh over the phone the day she pressurized me into leaving him, but that doesn’t change a THING, Laura. It just means she’s more open now, and she’s realizing that her son is bi. Or maybe even full-out gay.
But that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean she’s going to accept Josh with open arms. Far from it. I know my mother, and she’s not the type. She has the streak of pride, that I think I unfortunately inherited, and she won’t back down from the words she’s said before. She DID say I was allowed to look for my own happiness, but that didn’t mean running to the one person she told me to forget. I’m just so confused now.
Josh is so miserable. I can see it. It’s been, what, eighteen weeks since I last touched him, or kissed him, and every time I see that hope in his eyes, I’ve crushed it. And I’ve killed both him and myself knowing that I’ve killed all his hopes. All the trust and love he put into our relationship went to naught because of the one woman I swore I would listen to all my life.
I just wish… I wish things weren’t this way. I wish my mom wasn’t so biased. I wish I wasn’t so weak… or filial, whichever you choose to see. I wish Josh wasn’t so submissive. He just doesn’t want to hurt anyone, I know. Because there was once, a long time ago, Lou killed Josh. Just with words. He used to put Josh down more than any of us. Up till now, we don’t know why. But he did. And I guess Josh realized the power of words.
Words can kill you, heart, body, mind and soul. They rip into the deepest part of you, the part you don’t allow anyone else but your lover to see, and tear you apart from there. They eat into your consciousness slowly, painfully, making you see just how true they really are. And even if there isn’t a shred of truth in the words, when it comes from someone more superior to you, it sinks in to a certain level. And Josh is someone who takes most things seriously. When he says something to you and he’s not kidding, he expects you to take it as seriously as he would if the situation were reversed.
So Lou hurt him. Badly. And I think ever since then, he’s learnt not to toy with words, and he’s stopped rebutting anyone when they’re screaming at him. He just does what he must to keep the rest of us happy, without complaint. I don’t know how he manages, but he does get by. And I hurt him a second time, Laura. I hurt him with MY words. And I can’t stand that I did that. I knew he’d been burnt before, and I still did it to him. What does that say about me?
So where does that leave us, Laura? I’m too scared to approach him. There are too many other factors I have to consider. Like my mom, my beliefs, everything. How is it that a few words from Mom can make everything that seems so right, so wrong? How is it that all those touches, those kisses, that I’ve craved for, longed for, how is it that she can make them seem so disgusting, so wrong, with one sentence? How is it that she can make me question my faith, my love, with a few words on her part, when the whole world hasn’t been able to move me?
And how is it that through all this struggling that I’ve gone through, both she and Josh are still glaringly clear in my mind?
So what can I do to make all this right? What must I do to get Josh back and keep Mom happy at the same time? Is that even possible now? Why won’t Mom just lay off and let me be with Josh? If I were less sure, if I had the slightest hint of a doubt that Josh and I were not meant to be, I’d let it drop. I’d forget him and move on, just like Mom said. But I can’t.
Because I believed in this relationship, Laura. I believed in it with all my heart and soul. And when I was forced to work side-by-side with him on a non-talking basis, I was mad. I was furious at first. But the hurt I saw in his eyes melted me and I just felt incredibly unhappy. And tired. And exasperated. And about a hundred other things all at once. Even deliciously happy.
We’re still not talking now. And I know it’s hurting him worse than ever. He’s become more drawn than I’ve ever seen before. When things got rough, he grew stronger, he became my rock, he helped me. And now… now he’s got no one to help him and he’s weakening. Chris and Joey aren’t what he needs. I am. And I’m the one who cut him up like this. God, Laura, I’m a monster.
I can’t stand seeing him like this. I can’t stand waking up every morning with this huge sense of loss and helplessness because he isn’t next to me in bed, just holding my hand or cuddling up to me. He used to be my reason in living. And now it’s like there isn’t a reason anymore. But I don’t know what else to do. How can I convince Mom that this is real? It’s not wrong, I just know it isn’t.
I’m in desperate need of advice that only Josh would be able to give me. And right now, I can’t even look him in the eye. Shit, I am a goner. I need to hear him laugh, just once, and I could keep going for the next few weeks. But there’s no way that’s going to happen. Not unless we patch up soon.
Ha. Like I said, no way that’s going to happen.
Love,
Lance.
“And why shouldn’t it happen?” Lance wondered out loud, tapping his pen idly against the tabletop. “We can still talk, can’t we?” He shook his head at his own stupidity. “No. No, we can’t. That’s not an option here, Bass.”
“Talking to yourself again?”
Lance shot to his feet at the sound of the quiet voice. He turned around slowly and his green eyes slammed into sparkling cerulean. “Josh.” He murmured.
“I’m sorry.” JC seemed to suddenly realize what he was doing and he turned away, leaving his ex alone. “That was stupid, Chasez. Plain stupid. You don’t talk to the man as if everything’s still okay. That was stupid, stupid, STUPID.”
“Talking to yourself again?”
JC froze at the repeat of his own words. He let out a dry chuckle and forced himself to relax. “No. I. Lance. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to talk to me just because you feel obligated to because I started the conversation first. It was a crazy move on my part. Forget it.”
Lance noted that JC hadn’t even turned around to meet him. Gently, slowly, cautiously, he reached out to touch JC tentatively on the shoulder, relishing the feel of JC’s skin under his hand. He swallowed nervously. “Um. No. Don’t. It wasn’t… stupid. I… wanted to talk to you too.”
“You did?” JC still hadn’t turned around and he was growing tenser by the minute. Lance’s hand was resting innocently on his shoulder, but he felt as though his whole body was heating up just from the close proximity of Lance’s familiar figure near his. “Oh. Okay. What… did you wanna talk about?”
“I…” Lance bit his lip, removing his hand. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I acted like a jerk and that was totally unacceptable. We should have talked things out. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”
JC’s shoulders dropped and he took another small step forward, away from Lance, before pausing and saying lowly, his back still facing Lance, “If that’s all you wanted to say then… I think I should go.”
There was a tense silence and both men waited impatiently, worriedly, for Lance’s answer. “Yeah. That would probably be best.” The words were out of Lance’s mouth before he realized what he was saying.
“Right. Yeah. Okay.” JC’s voice cracked as he struggled to keep composed. “But what were all those touches about then, Lance? Are you still messing with me? God, what do you want me to do?” JC blinked in surprise. He didn’t… “Oh. Shit. Lance, god, I’m sorry.” He spun around and winced at the shock in Lance’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I just… look, I’m sorry. I’ll go.”
Lance grabbed JC’s arm as the brunette turned to leave again. “No. Wait. Stay.”
“What do you want, Lance?” JC asked, softer this time, his voice weakening.
“What do you mean?” Lance whispered, wanting to know the extent of the pain he had inflicted on his lover, the one person he loved more than life itself.
“You’re still messing with me. What do you want me to do?” JC whispered back, sinking to the floor, his hands wrapped firmly in his long hair. “Are you trying to prove something, Lance? Yes, you still get to me. I still love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, more than I thought I could ever love anyone. You still hurt me when you don’t return my smiles, though god knows I can’t do that anymore, and you still kill me when you act like I’m not there. Every time you look at me like you don’t see me, or talk as if I’m not in the room, as if you’re addressing everyone there but me, you break me even more.” JC stood again, his hands in his pockets as he continued speaking, “Is that what you wanted to hear, Lance? You’ve done it. You’ve won. You’ve broken me. I… I can’t get myself back together again. Without you, I’m nothing. You made me fall in love with you. You made me believe in love. You made me believe I was worth your love. And then you took that away from me. So you’ve won, Lance. I still love you, I’ll ALWAYS love you. No matter how many times you decide you want to play me, or hurt me, physically or emotionally, no matter how long this goes on and how pained I feel, I’ll still love you. Because I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I CAN stop. Not even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. Because if I do, you might end up like me one day. Unloved. Completely. Just thrown aside. At least this way, you know, that no matter what happens, even if the world comes crashing down, one man…”
JC choked on his words as his tears started to run down his face. He took a deep breath and continued, “One man in this cold, cruel world, has given you his heart. And you can have the satisfaction of knowing you broke it, again and again and again, and he stupidly kept pining after you, even after he knew he wasn’t worthy of you, knowing that it wasn’t going to work out, he let that hope live on. And you trampled on it and crushed it and threw it in his face…” JC swallowed, and continued in an even softer voice, “And he still kept his love for you alive. It burned in him, and it ate him whole, but he continued living his pathetic life loving you. And he never stopped. And he’s never going to stop. Because he can’t. And he won’t. So that at least, even if the world stopped tomorrow, you’ll know that SOMEONE loved you. LOVES you. And that no matter how you break him, tear him down, kick him aside, he’s going to keep being there for you if you need him. If you call him, he’ll run to you, just to let you know that he’ll always be there. If you push him away, he’ll leave again, because he knows you’re too good for him and you deserve better. If you touch him, he’ll curl into a ball and die because he craves that, yearns for it, and it’s like you’re feeding a dying man salt water, making him more and more thirsty instead of saving him. But he’ll let you do it to him again and again, just because you’re you. And he can’t stop himself.”
“Josh…” Lance reached out and squeezed JC’s shoulder again, tears slipping down his own cheeks as he realized the intensity of JC’s pain, the pain HE had caused. And, as promised, JC didn’t pull away. He stood, stiffly, waiting for Lance to collect himself before continuing, because now that he had started he couldn’t stop. He had to get it all out.
“I love you Lance. I loved you ever since you first joined the band. I loved you even more when you said you loved me back. And even now, after all that’s happened, after your mom says I don’t deserve you, I’m not good enough for you, I still love you. Because I guess she’s right. And I can’t argue with that. But just know that. That I love you. And that I always will.”
JC walked away then, rubbing the tears in his glistening blue eyes away viciously. Lance stared after him, dumbstruck. Then he sank to his knees and punched the floor. “Dammit,” he cursed. “Damn all of this!”
Letter #5: JC
Dear Heather
Hey, how’s my favourite sister? Is everything okay at home? Things here are fine. The tour was great and everything, and now we’re finally getting a little relaxation in before we all split up. Sooo… I should probably be seeing you soon. Tell Mom I’ll be back soon and that she better cook something good for me, okay? I’ve missed you guys. More than you know. Doubt you’ve missed me. Oh, you have? That’s so sweet.
Anyway, your birthday’s coming up soon. Yes, I know I forget things, but I wouldn’t forget THIS. It’s your, what, twenty-third birthday? That’s an important age.Lance always says… You know what? Why don’t you just tell me what you want me to get for you? It’s the first time in a million years you haven’t already sent thousands of catalogues with stuff you want me to get for you. I have to make up for not being home so much lately, so I guess I’ll get you, like, TWO things. See what a big favor I’m doing you?
Did you buy our CD? It’s out now, isn’t it? How is it? Did you like it? I think this is the coolest concerts of all time. And I’m starting to sound like a ten-year-old. No, wait, I’m always sounding like that anyway. Ha ha. I cracked a joke, see? Yes. Right.
So… you asked what’s up with me and Lance? Well… he’s… good, I guess. I really don’t know what else to say. I’m guessing you’ve already heard stuff from people about… us. I don’t know what you’ve heard but don’t believe any of it. I’ll tell you everything once I get home. Right now, I’m just missing y’all really bad. See what kind of influence Justin is? I’m starting to WRITE like him. Jesus, that’s scary.
So, anyway, despite my being a writer, I am now stuck. There’s nothing I feel that I have to say to you that hasn’t already been said. Except I love you.
Yeah, I’m getting all sappy but don’t throw this away.
Um. So. Yeah. Really, that’s all there is to it. I love you and Ty like, a lot. And you guys are the best siblings ever. And I’m sorry I’m in this huge band that has to travel so much because I’d really rather be at home with y’all, watching you guys grow up and start doing stuff that no older sibling watched me do. I remember I always wanted an older brother or sister or something, someone who could guide me as I went along, and I’m just sorry I can’t do that for you two as well.
I wanted to be there to watch you guys date your first boy/girl friend and go to your first prom and go to your first job interview and everything… and I’m so sorry I couldn’t be. It’s the biggest regret in my life.
Okay, I don’t want anyone getting choked up over this letter or anything, got it? Good. So, I guess this is the part I say goodbye.
Love,
Josh
JC reread his letter, rolling his eyes at himself. “Oh hell,” he shook his head and pushed the letter into a scented envelope, knowing Heather would roll her eyes at him when she got the letter as well, but he kept forgetting how old she was. Sometimes, in his mind’s eye, he would still see her as a fifteen-year-old who still giggled about sex and played Truth Or Dare with her friends.
He sighed as he remembered what he had said to Lance only a few days ago. They still weren’t talking. JC didn’t know whether to be thankful or sad. He chose thankful, because there was too much misery going on already, and he wanted their parting to be a happy one.
He tucked the letter neatly into his pocket and went to look for Chris for something to do. “Hey, Chris.”
“JC!” Chris grinned, grabbing the younger brunette in a one-armed hug. “Hey. What were you doing?”
“Nothing much. Just writing to my sis. You know how it is.”
“Hmm.” Chris had no doubt that JC had not even mentioned his fight with Lance. THAT was how self-sacrificing he was. He kept everything bottled up inside. Unfortunately for him, Chris had overheard, again, his conversation with Lance the other day. “Well… how did she react to this Lance thing?”
“I didn’t tell her,” JC admitted, shrugging. “I don’t think she needs to know all this. I’d rather keep her out of this huge mess. It’s crazy enough as it is, I don’t need to go adding to her burdens.”
Chris smiled ruefully, “Always thinking for other people.”
“It’s a habit,” JC shrugged again, forcing a smile.
Chris could hardly smile back. “I heard you and Lance that day.”
JC stood rigidly at Chris’ sentence. “You… oh.”
“That’s it? Oh?”
“Um, what else can I say?”
“What do you WANT to say?”
“I don’t know, Chris. I told him all that was inside of me. He can remember it, or chuck it, I don’t care. I’m too tired to care.” With that, JC went back into the room, going to lie down and think, leaving Chris shaking his head at his retreating figure.
“I’m gonna miss you guys.” Justin pulled Lance into a bear hug. “So… I’m gonna see you guys soon right? It’s N’sync’s fourteen month break, but that doesn’t mean we can’t visit each other.”
“Yeah.” Lance whispered, hugging Justin even harder before letting go.
He, Lance and JC were the last three who hadn’t left yet. Justin gave one last wave before running towards his gate, knowing that he was supposed to be on the plane already.
“So.”
JC smiled, holding out his hand, “Look, you ever need anything, call me. I don’t care what time, when, where, just call.”
“Got it.”
JC’s plane was called then and he gave Lance one last smile, before disappearing into the crowd of people. Lance stared at the floor, the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks. “Josh!” he yelled.
Almost instantly, JC was back by his side, flushed and breathless. He glanced questioningly at Lance, a hint of hope in his eyes. Is he actually going to… no, no, don’t think like that JC. Don’t. What happened the last time you got your hopes up?
“You forgot your bag,” Lance handed JC the smaller bag on the floor and JC blushed, his hopes crushed, thanked Lance and disappeared into the crowd again. He didn’t even look back to see if Lance was still there, he just ran to his gate, hoping the plane hadn’t left without him. He didn’t allow himself to think, he just ran… he wasn’t even sure if he was running in the correct direction, but he didn’t care. He just needed to get away.
But he froze in his tracks when he heard Lance’s familiar bass over the speakers. “Josh, if you’re still here… if you’re anywhere around at all… please come here. Meet me at the counter. We need to talk.”
Letter #6: Closing Letter Part A
Lance paced the floor worriedly, shaking his head. “What can I say? Shit. This is bad. This is so screwed. I am NO good with words.”
“Talking to yourself again?”
This was the third time he had heard the words. Lance allowed a small smile to grace his lips as he looked up. His smile widened at the sight of a panting, breathless JC, knowing that the man had run all the way to the counter as soon as Lance called.
“No. Yes. Actually, I was just trying to pass the time.”
“Really?” JC teased, but Lance could tell he was drained. The look in his eyes gave him away. He was tired of playing mind games with Lance, but looking back on their earlier conversation… or confession… Lance knew he would go along with it if Lance wanted him to. “What were you waiting for?”
“It’s a who, actually.”
JC’s eyes shimmered with something Lance couldn’t quite pinpoint, before the brunette managed a polite smile. “This is the part where the audience sighs because the actor will obviously ask the obvious question – who is this who?”
“And this is the part the audience is hanging off the edge of their seat with anxiety, going who? Who? Who? When they all already know the answer.”
JC’s eyes widened, but he shook his head. “You’re not answering my question. And you said you wanted to talk. What about? I’m going to miss my flight if we keep this up, Lance.”
Lance smiled. “I was waiting for you, doofus. And… well, that’s kinda what I wanted to talk about. You missing your flight.”
“Did you arrange for it to fly without me, Lance?”
“No. But I think it just did.”
“Shit,” JC muttered, checking his watch and realizing Lance was right. No pilot in his right mind would wait for ANY passenger – celebrity or not – if he was half an hour late. “So… talk. And I’ll go rebook a ticket after we talk.”
“Actually… I was hoping… I’d rather you not, Josh.”
JC closed his eyes, enjoying the way his name seemed to roll off Lance’s tongue. Then he realized what he was doing and his eyes shot open. “Um. Not what?”
“Rebook.”
“Why?”
“I… well… I want you to stay.”
“What for, Lance? Do you want me to bring you around here or something?”
“No. I mean, I want you to stay. With me.”
“With… with you?”
“Yes.”
JC’s eyes were wide and he fell against the table, his knuckles gripping the side of the table so hard they were white. “What are you trying to tell me, Lance?” he whispered finally.
“That I… I love you, Josh. I still want you to be with me. I want you to stay with me. I want to take away all the hurt that I caused. I want to prove that I loved you everyday you thought I didn’t. I want to prove that you ARE the right one for me. I want… I want you.”
“Don’t do this to me again, Lance. You know… you know I can’t say no to you. Please Lance. Don’t mess with me again.”
Lance bit his lip at the pain in JC’s voice. “I’m not pulling anything. I swear. I do love you Josh. I love you so much.”
JC collapsed into Lance’s arms as the younger blond pulled him away from the table. His arms went around Lance’s neck and he found it in him to bury his head in Lance’s shoulder. “You don’t… you’re not… you’re not supposed to love me, Lance… You’re supposed to let me go and I’m supposed to try to forget you and… and you’re not supposed to be able to do this to me again.”
“I do love you, Josh. I swear it.” Lance pressed his lips against JC’s chastely, relishing the taste that was JC. God, he had missed this. He had missed all of this. “Josh, don’t leave me. I’ll never hurt you again, I promise. Please. Please don’t leave me.”
“I… Lance…” JC shook his head numbly, tears of joy glittering in his eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll stay with me. Say you forgive me for being such an idiot. Say you’ll never leave me and you’ll kick my ass if I ever pull something like this on you again. Then I’ll swear that I will NEVER hurt you again. I’ll never, ever, hurt you.”
“Oh god… Lance.”
Letter #6: Closing Letter Part B
Dear all,
You are cordially invited to the wedding of
Mr. James Lance Bass
&
Mr. Joshua Scott Chasez
Yours sincerely,
Melinda Bell
-fin-
You’ve Got Mail
A Series. Lance and JC kinda break up. The guys have to live with it, and to deal, they write letters. Will they be able to make it through?
Author’s Note: And yes, by the way, the title IS stolen from the movie. Unless you think I made it up before it came out. Well, continue thinking that way if you want, I really have no qualms about it. *Smiles*
I just finished watching the PopOdyssey video for the first time. Yeah, yeah, slow, I know. (Hey, blame Singapore for slow production).Oh mah gawd… I was blown away. Seriously. It rocked me dead. Well, the No Strings Attached concert rocked too. They were both… amazing. Drop-dead-adrenaline-charge-go-go-go-guys-come-on-rock-it-I’ve-just-seen-it-all-they-are-incredible remarkable. Lol… see, I still have that N’sync rush. They were sooooo good.
And was it just me? Or did anyone else notice Lance CRYING in Gone. I’m 85.8% sure he was crying. There were tears trickling down his cheek cos I honestly doubt sweat works that way. And JC was… sad. Forlorn. Whatever-you-want-to-call-it. He had this lost puppy dog look. Gosh, that killed me. Done it. If I *ever* had any doubt that my love for N’sync was fading then gawsh, this put it right back on track. *Sigh* I’m gushing again, I know, I know, but whoo… This was just… mmm… yummy-licious!
So anyway, this piece on fanfic is based on what I saw in the performance. It’s like, well, I don’t know, but this is how I THINK it would work out if I was in charge of their lives. Which we all know is impossible. More than. So.
Yeah, well, girls can dream.
Also, anything I write that any of the guys say in a show (e.g. a line from Rosie’s show) it’s all crap. Anything that I said they said on any show besides the concert is crap. Comprehend? Good.
Letter #1: Chris
Dear Dani,
How are you, baby? I can’t wait to see you again! God, it’s crazy over here. Everything seems to be crashing down on us. JC and Lance are still fighting. And JC’s just getting more torn up over everything. I know Lance is sorry too, but he doesn’t show it, and JC gets more and more hurt each time. I wish there was more I could do to help him. He’s just starting to wear out.
That day, during the concert, we sang so many songs that just seemed to hit too close to home. If you get the CD, watch it and you’ll understand. When we sang the Two Of Us, I think C really cracked up inside. He was just singing with everything he had, all that pent up emotion and stuff, and it came out beautifully. There was this underlying tone of pain that I doubt anyone else caught, but god, you should’ve heard him.
Lance knew what he meant. Lance knew. It was like a signal for the both of them but neither took the chance. Lance is just too proud, and JC’s too scared. But who can blame them? It’s not like they LIKE being in this position, they hate it, I know. But who can help them? How? We can’t do a thing if they don’t try to help themselves. I wish Lance would open his mouth and say sorry already. But I don’t think he’s going to do that.
This isn’t doing either of them any good. Sometimes snatches of that stupid conversation with Diane still play in my head. Oh, I heard it all right, heard it loud and clear. He was sitting there on the bed and I was passing by the room with a glass of water and I couldn’t help overhearing stuff. And no, I wasn’t eavesdropping!
Anyway, he was saying something like, “But, mom, I can’t… it’s not fair to… but you… okay, fine.” As soon as he said that I KNEW something was bad. And then he pulled the surprise on us the next day. He didn’t exactly show it till later on, but… the tension between him and Jace… we all felt it, I know we did. How could we not?
Lance was/is always obvious about things he’s decided on. His supposed subtle hints weren’t enough, I guess, because we only thought they’d had a quarrel, because JC was going around like his usual spastic, hyper self and we were all having a blast. I guess we weren’t careful enough to notice the pang of hurt that appeared in his eyes every time Lance just shrugged him off. It sucks, you know. Because JC doesn’t deserve this shit. And neither does Lance.
They’re both amazing people, who put up with asses like me, for some absurd reason. And they should be given rewards for being able to do that, because, well, they’re good that way. And they love each other. Really, REALLY love each other. Like I love you. Or like you love me. And love like that shouldn’t be dragged through the mud like this. Because as easy as the fairytales make it sound to end up together after all their tough trials, this is life. And we don’t always get our happy endings.
And we should. Especially people like JC and Lance.
Because they’ve put everything they’ve got on the line just to save this relationship and work things out, so much so that everything should just smoothen out and work for them from now on. The fans have been amazingly supportive and that’s just wonderful, but I wish, I really wish, that things could be easier on them. They deserve at least that.
JC cried the other day. I think that’s the whole point to this long letter about him. The fact that he cried after the concert. I was scared, really. I’ve never seen him cry that openly with me except that once after Lance’s screaming session. That was the first time he actually came, voluntarily, to me when he was scared. No, it’s not true. I’m the first one he comes to in times like these, after Lance, that is – hey, I didn’t get that psychology degree by luck – but he was CRYING. I just stayed with him and rubbed his back the whole night, praying that he would be okay.
He was still hurting in the morning and we went into the breakfast place together, both with identical eye bags. He because of his crying, and I because of my lack of sleep. The guys laughed half-heartedly at us, and Lance sat with Lonnie and Dre instead. I almost slapped him. But we all knew how he felt about it. And I knew even more clearly, because I had heard that call. It still sucked. And we all felt bad for JC.
After that, JC’s come to me every night. The next time we book a hotel, I’m gonna room with him so it’s easier on both of us. I guess there’s just something that makes it easier to talk to me about these kinda things. I’ve grown more accustomed to watching JC cry now. It doesn’t shock me that much. He doesn’t cry just like that, y’see. Usually he smiles painfully and lies down and I lie down on the bed next to him. But when I turn to him to say goodnight, there are tears running down his cheeks and his eyes are closed, so I leave him alone.
The concerts were good after that. They controlled their feelings like pros – though I don’t doubt that’s what Lance is, with Diane and all – and performed like normal. But JC never seems to have that little sparkle in him anymore. It’s like he got the life sucked out of him or something. He’s missing that one small part to being the normal perfectionist he already is. And I think it’s showing.
He just needs that one more little push and he’s going to reel. That’s another thing we can all tell. He’s been locking himself up in his own room during the day for ages now, I know. But there’s really nothing I can do. I know he’s drinking. But I don’t know how to stop it. I know he’s thinking of one-night-stands to help him forget all his pain, but I also know he won’t go for it. He wouldn’t. He can’t. He just doesn’t have it in him. He’s got too much of Lance in his heart already.
Don’t you think he deserves better than this, Dani? He’s hurting so bad right now and all he needs is a friend. Actually, if it were that simple, I wouldn’t mind. But what he really needs… is Lance.
I just wish they could both see that.
Love you and take care,
Chris.
Chris sighed and put down his fountain pen, taking off his reading glasses and rubbing the bridge of his nose silently. He switched off the light on the writing desk in the hotel and climbed into bed, his body catlike and noiseless as he slipped under the covers.
He lay down quietly before turning to look at JC’s face. The brunette was sleeping fitfully, his eyebrows furrowed, an agitated expression on his face. JC whimpered softly and Chris reached out to squeeze his shoulder impulsively, trying to offer what comfort he could.
JC finally quieted down and went back to peaceful slumber.
Softly, Chris shifted again. Even in the dark, he could see the sparkling moisture dampening JC’s cheek. Chris licked his lips and sighed again, wishing there was more he could do. He hated seeing JC so upset, hated seeing Lance so torn…
“If only, if only, if only this were easier.” He whispered to himself, as he closed his eyes and allowed JC’s ragged, uneven breathing to lull him to sleep.
Letter #2: Joey
Hey Kelly,
Is Bri okay? How’s mom? You holding up good? I wish you were here with me. I miss you so fricking much. And I could use an extra hand around here right about now. It would be the perfect timing.
Anyway, you asked, in your previous letter, about JC and Lance. Well, I think we went too far this time. C’s always been able to take all our shit. But that day he just… I used to wonder sometimes if the guy even had a limit – his patience with us was endless – and I guess I got my answer. We pushed him too hard this time. Honestly.
This isn’t even Lance’s fault. Lance is hurting like hell, I know he is. He’s so torn right now. That call from his mom… he just didn’t know how to deal. When she told him she wanted him to break up with C, it killed him. He’s never done anything against his mom’s will. It’s true, y’know, he really IS a momma’s boy. And he’s proud of it. So that call was a huge blow.
But he handled it wrong. He handled it frickin’ badly. I mean, if he had just broken the news gently it wouldn’t have been half bad. But to say it, out loud, in front of Johnny and the fans and everything… that must’ve killed Jace. Of course he didn’t say it outright, but his actions, his words… it was so clear then. To all of us.
The way he refused to hold JC’s hand, even in the car. The way he turned away from JC every time the guy tried to smile at him, the way he sang ‘This I Promise You’ without a single glance at Jace… I know that last bit killed any ray of hope JC had left. That was brutal. It was downright vicious. And telling Rosie that he was a ‘free man with no thought of a relationship at the moment’, god, that was cruel. I swear JC almost cried. He was biting his lip so hard…
And then that other night. We all heard their argument. Well, Lance was doing most of the screaming, saying that JC just didn’t fit into the picture he had of himself in future, and that it was impossible between them. Man, Lance can be so cold. And JC just took it, I know, because we all saw him the next morning. Chris saw him earlier than that. Chris was with him the whole night.
But I know Lance has recovered now. He’s over it. His mom’s accepted it. He wants JC back. But his stupid ego is stopping him from apologizing. God, you’d think that after all these years… so, naturally, we thought of a plan to help those two. And, even more naturally, we screwed everything up royally.
We thought pushing them together in the tour would help. They’d be stuck together so much that they’d HAVE to get everything sorted out. And they both agreed, as usual. We even went so far as to make sure they had breathing spaces in between the dance steps and stuff, not that many, but we tried. And they went along with it. Not a word of complaint besides the usual grumbling. They even managed to bear everything with a smile. They didn’t make up.
Then, on the day we were being FILMED, god, of all days… Lance broke down. JC broke down. JC was the first. I doubt anyone heard it, really, but his voice cracked – three times – during THEIR song. Lance didn’t even look at him. Well, he GLANCED, but they never actually looked each other in the eye.
And during Gone… Gone was the last straw. Lance cried. He frickin’ CRIED. I don’t know if the camera caught him but I sure hope not. I heard him sniffling in his room as I walked past a while ago. Anyway, he shot this look at JC before turning away quickly. I know. I caught that look. And JC’s pained looks as he sang. JC kept his eyes closed for mostly the whole song. Lance thrives on pressure, so he managed to keep that happy-go-lucky demeanor throughout the whole concert, but JC… he just lets his feelings get the better of him.
And even during Something Like You… they changed the choreography at the last minute so that they wouldn’t have to come face-to-face. They didn’t even glance at each other. Not one look. I don’t know how they did it. If I were them, I know I wouldn’t have managed that.
But later, after the show, JC just went to the back of the bus and cried. I went in and saw him. We all did. Except Lance. Lance stayed in the front with our driver. I remember C shaking his head and sobbing and looking up at us with that helpless expression that hurt us so bad… and he said he couldn’t take it anymore, that dealing with Lance like this was just too tough, that he needed a breather, that he didn’t want this anymore, that he couldn’t take this shit, that he wanted it all to stop, that he loved Lance and he didn’t know why the rest of the world couldn’t see it, that he wanted Lance, needed Lance, and that he just wished it was over.
We cried together. And then he wiped his eyes, smiled, and told us he was okay. And that it was just a temporary breakdown and that he would be fine in the morning.
At the hotel, he went straight to his room and crashed. He’s still in there and has been for the past few weeks since that night. Well, actually, he’s started rooming with Chris. So they both hole up in the room together. Same thing after every concert. Night after night after night. I don’t know how he’s holding up. I can only hope he’s okay. I wish they’d just resolve this already. Things would be so much easier if you were here.
But Lance isn’t doing all that good either. I know he’s tired and miserable and he just needs a little motivation to get him started, so he can, y’know, get back with C. They need more time, that’s all. I just don’t know how long more this is gonna take. It’s going to be rough, I can tell you, but they’ll patch up again. It’s just… it’s the waiting that’s going to hurt us. And every time they don’t take a chance, a little bit of hope of them reconciling slips away.
It’s scary, Kel, because JC and Lance were the strongest, most beautiful couple we knew. And now… they’ve become like this, all because of the deadly web of circumstance. It’s not Lance’s fault that his mom acted that way, it’s not JC’s fault that Diane didn’t like him, it’s not Diane’s fault that she felt JC was not the one for her son… it’s just… maybe it’s too late for that now.
But I don’t think either of them is at fault. I just think JC is hurting worse than Lance is.
What should I do? Help me, Kel.
Love,
Joey.
Joey threw down his ballpoint pen, rolling his neck to get the kinks out of his system. He looked up at the sound of Lance’s deep bass, smiling. “Hey Joe, watcha doing?”
Joey folded the letter neatly and slipped it into an envelope ready to post. “Nothing much.”
“You wanna go for a movie or something?”
“Lance,” Joey looked the green-eyed youth straight in the eye, deciding that this had gone on long enough and the best way to work with Lance was speaking frankly. Beating around the bush never worked with the blond. “Don’t you think you should resolve this JC thing?”
There was an awkward, thoughtful pause before Lance spoke again.
“Yeah, but god Joey, I don’t know where to start.”
Joey nodded, clapping a bear like hand over Lance’s shoulder. “If you need someone to talk, you know where to find me. Just make sure you don’t go breaking more hearts here now, y’hear? Five hearts is a hard number to achieve in itself.”
This was meant to be a joke and Lance took it as such.
“Yeah, whatever, Fatone.”
Joey smiled and waved as Lance wandered back to his own room, movie forgotten, before dropping his chin back down onto his palm and staring idly out the window again.
“Hey.”
Joey jerked up, smiling when he saw JC at the door. “Jace, dude, my man! How are ya?”
JC managed a hollow chuckle. “Jesus Joe, you don’t have to act like you didn’t see me at the meeting a few hours ago.”
“Yeah, but a few hours is a long time, man.” Pause. “Listen, you feeling any better?” Joey asked, suddenly serious.
JC nodded, uncharacteristically silent and still as his eyes clouded over. “I kinda wanted to NOT talk about it today, y’know?”
“Yeah. Okay. Fine. Um. How’s… Heather?”
“Joe, stop hitting on my sis,” JC joked.
Joey rolled his eyes. “Even I’m not that desperate,” he retorted.
JC punched Joey in the arm, glaring mock angrily, “Hey! I resent that!”
And the two laughed the afternoon away. But both could sense the underlying tension in the atmosphere and both prayed that this emotional crisis would soon be over. For all their sakes.
Letter #3: Justin
Dear Brit,
How are you, Pinky? I haven’t called you in a long time, I know. I’m so sorry. There just hasn’t been TIME. I’ll call you at the soonest chance I get, I promise, but right now, I’m doing the next best thing and writing you a letter. There’s so much I need to get off my chest. And you know talking to you always helps me.
So… it’s about JC. And Lance. Two of my best pals. One from way back, like the older brother I never had and one my closest friend. What do I do? I should take JC’s side, really, because Lance is being stupid and letting his male ego get in the way. But… Lance isn’t exactly the one to blame. Yes, he’s crazy for letting his mom run his life this way, but it’s HIS life. Who are we to say if he’s right or not?
But then again. JC didn’t ask for this. God knows how many times he risked his everything to keep this relationship going strong. He’s given so much of himself to Lance that it’s only fair he should get the same kind of love back. I know he would give up his family if it meant staying with Lance. Because Lance is everything to him. He would be the best husband, best friend, best everything to Lance. I just don’t understand how Lance can NOT see that. Luckily, Karen and Roy are so understanding through all this so that helps JC a lot.
But it doesn’t change anything. Because JC needs Lance like he needs to breathe. It’s crazy that they can stay apart this long. They shouldn’t be able to. There should be a law against couples who are totally in love from being apart for more than two weeks. It’s been four MONTHS. I’ve counted. Everyday JC just seems to get more distant. And Lance seems to get more wrapped up in work. And I get more torn in between.
It’s not like they’re MAKING me choose one of them. They would NEVER do that. But it’s awkward, sometimes. Because Joey and Chris are so fiercely protective over C now that I think Lance needs a supporter but I can’t help feeling that I’m betraying Jace if I do this. See? I have no clue what I’m supposed to do.
Yes, seeing JC cry was the scariest experience of my life, because it proved that the strongest man I’ve ever known CAN crumble and that makes life seem so much more THERE, so much more real. You understand, don’t you? But Lance IS helpless, too. He’s just too proud to cry or ask for help. And he flourishes under stress, he really does. He acts so well that I don’t understand how they can NOT offer him a Grammy Award. His smiles and handshakes and demeanor is totally normal, even brighter than usual sometimes.
But even he broke that day, Brit. He cried during Gone. I watched the video before any of them did – Joey is watching the CD now – and I frigging SAW his tears. Most of the fans will think it’s sweat, but we know better. He didn’t cry after that. He just smiled and went along with it. But JC broke down. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He’s been carrying this weight with him ever since the day Lance pulled away from his touch in the car like he’d been burnt. Ever since then, they’ve never actually been as close. And all those rehearsals that we THOUGHT and HOPED would throw them together didn’t work. They backfired on us, Brit.
So at first, JC went around hurting inside and Lance continued hating on the whole world for about a week since the stupid phone call from Diane which started all this in the first place. Then they had their infamous showdown. Which sent JC crying to Chris. I can totally understand that. Lance was… harsh. Really. We could all hear it. And I don’t think JC even raised his voice. I heard pleas, I heard sobs, I heard Lance throwing stuff against the wall, I heard a resigned voice, then I heard the door slamming and JC running to Chris’ room.
I heard him crying.
Then the next few weeks of practices and stuff were okay for all of us. Mostly because Lance and JC are so considerate towards our feelings. I don’t think I know anyone more self-sacrificing than C, or anyone more considerate of others’ feelings than Lance. They’re such a perfect pair, Brit.
I love both of them so much. I’m aching for them inside right now. I wish there was a clear solution in this big mess, but there isn’t. I need your support right now, Brit, cos I think I’m breaking apart too. And I need to be strong. For Lance. And for Jace. They need us to be strong.
WE need us to be strong.
God, I sound like a desperate little five-year-old kid. That’s how bad things are around here. I think we need to help them get over this. JC’s looking old and tired and Lance is… not himself. He’s going around laughing and talking cheerfully, but even that’s taking it’s toll and Melinda’s already asked us ten thousand times why his eyes are so red in the morning. We never have an answer.
No one else can tell they’re fighting, Brit. They’re covering it up so well. I just wish… y’know, if there was something, ANYTHING, I could do to clear this up, I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. But now all I can do is pray. Lance should be okay, because he’s always okay, even under the toughest times and right now is probably difficult for him, but he’ll come out okay, like all the other times he’s come out okay. But I’m worried about Jace. He’s strong, I grant you that. And if he’s already so broken over this, I don’t think it’s going to take much more to get him down. I want to help so desperately… I hate feeling useless.
So I’ve learnt something from all this. I will NEVER hurt you. Never. When times get tough, just know this – I will always love you. And I would NEVER let anyone change that. If anything ever gets me down, you’re the first one that comes to my mind, and I feel happier knowing that you’re gonna be there for me. I love you, Brit, I love you so much.
But right now, I need to know someone still cares. That’s really all I need. Some assurance. And some hope. ANY hope.
With love, yours ever,
Justin.
Exasperatedly, Justin put the pen in between his teeth and chewed thoughtfully on it, reading through his letter once more. “Ah, what the heck,” he muttered, dropping the pen and stuffing the letter into an envelope before someone else saw it. He ran a hand over his head, relishing the coolness of the air against his scalp before resting his chin on his elbow.
He looked up when he heard someone enter the room. It was Lance. “Hey Just, can we talk?” the deep bass rumbled.
Justin smiled and nodded, “Course.”
“Um.” Lance sat down and stared at his fingernails uncomfortably. “So.” He paused, biting on his lip, a sign Justin recognized as a nervous tendency. Justin continued watching Lance silently, waiting for the blond to continue talking. “Well, I’ve… I’ve been an ass. I know. I’m sorry. This is tearing y’all up and you guys don’t deserve that.”
Justin smiled, placing a hand on Lance’s shoulder. “Look buddy. You weren’t being an ass. You were being a momma’s boy. No one’s mad at you for that. If you’d just apologize, everything would be better, y’know.”
“Yeah, I do.” Lance confessed, twiddling his thumbs together. “I just don’t know what to say or do. It’s not like my mom is a hundred percent okay with this. I mean, I know she says she is. But it’s not like anyone can accept this kinda thing in a few weeks, you know? And I don’t want to do anything she doesn’t want me to. Yeah, Josh means the world to me, but if my mom wants me to give him up then…” Lance’s voice cracked, “Then that’s what I’ll do.”
“Why, Lance?”
“Because she brought me up. Because blood is thicker than water. Because I can TRY to find a second guy, but I CAN’T find a second mom. Because my mom took care of me when I was young and brought me up and I owe her at least this. It’s bad enough I’m always travelling and can’t spend more time with her, so I have to try to make her happy, Justin. She deserves at least that.”
Justin nodded sympathetically. “That’s why no one’s blaming you for this, Lance. It’s not your fault, we know. We understand. But your mom’s already given you the go-ahead. So…”
“I’m scared he’ll turn me down, Justin.”
“He would never do that Lance. He can’t. He loves you too much.”
“I don’t deserve him. Not after the way I treated him.”
“He’ll understand, Lance.”
“He shouldn’t. Even I don’t understand myself half the time, why should he?” Lance sighed, rubbing his forehead and standing up abruptly. “Look, I gotta go. Thanks J… for talking to me… and for listening.”
“Anytime, buddy,” Justin whispered, hugging his friend. “Anytime.”
Hours later, Justin was still sitting on the same chair, with his head in the same position, staring out into space. He saw JC walk past the room, head bowed, hands trembling as he gingerly fingered the piece of material in his hands. Justin caught a flash of white before JC was out of sight completely.
Justin sighed – it was Lance’s white sparkly shirt, one that he had gotten after much persuasion on JC’s part. Justin closed his eyes and let weariness take over his senses as he fell asleep, dreaming of times when the group had been a happy family, where everyone was contented just to hang out together, and JC and Lance were the match made from heaven.
Letter #4: Lance
Dear Laura,
They caught me crying. Shit.
Sorry. That was all I could think when I started this letter to you. Let’s try again. Um, how are you? Is everything down South good? Hope so. I know things here are far from perfect. Mom didn’t think Josh was good for me, so she told me to break up with him, and I did. I was fricking cruel. I was downright evil. And I’m feeling so damn guilty about the way I treated him.
Mom shouldn’t be able to do this to me, you know. She can make me feel so guilt-ridden about something that’s so right. I KNOW he’s the one, Laura. Who else could be? You saw us together, you can see it’s right, can’t you? The whole world can see it… except Mom. And she’s the one I respect and listen to the most. I keep thinking that there should be SOME way I could convince her of accepting Josh. But I don’t think that’s possible.
She’s starting to accept it now, I know. But I don’t think she ever will be able to. That means I can never go after Josh, MY Josh, MY future. Yes, she’s given me the green light and she apologized for the horrible things she called me and Josh over the phone the day she pressurized me into leaving him, but that doesn’t change a THING, Laura. It just means she’s more open now, and she’s realizing that her son is bi. Or maybe even full-out gay.
But that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean she’s going to accept Josh with open arms. Far from it. I know my mother, and she’s not the type. She has the streak of pride, that I think I unfortunately inherited, and she won’t back down from the words she’s said before. She DID say I was allowed to look for my own happiness, but that didn’t mean running to the one person she told me to forget. I’m just so confused now.
Josh is so miserable. I can see it. It’s been, what, eighteen weeks since I last touched him, or kissed him, and every time I see that hope in his eyes, I’ve crushed it. And I’ve killed both him and myself knowing that I’ve killed all his hopes. All the trust and love he put into our relationship went to naught because of the one woman I swore I would listen to all my life.
I just wish… I wish things weren’t this way. I wish my mom wasn’t so biased. I wish I wasn’t so weak… or filial, whichever you choose to see. I wish Josh wasn’t so submissive. He just doesn’t want to hurt anyone, I know. Because there was once, a long time ago, Lou killed Josh. Just with words. He used to put Josh down more than any of us. Up till now, we don’t know why. But he did. And I guess Josh realized the power of words.
Words can kill you, heart, body, mind and soul. They rip into the deepest part of you, the part you don’t allow anyone else but your lover to see, and tear you apart from there. They eat into your consciousness slowly, painfully, making you see just how true they really are. And even if there isn’t a shred of truth in the words, when it comes from someone more superior to you, it sinks in to a certain level. And Josh is someone who takes most things seriously. When he says something to you and he’s not kidding, he expects you to take it as seriously as he would if the situation were reversed.
So Lou hurt him. Badly. And I think ever since then, he’s learnt not to toy with words, and he’s stopped rebutting anyone when they’re screaming at him. He just does what he must to keep the rest of us happy, without complaint. I don’t know how he manages, but he does get by. And I hurt him a second time, Laura. I hurt him with MY words. And I can’t stand that I did that. I knew he’d been burnt before, and I still did it to him. What does that say about me?
So where does that leave us, Laura? I’m too scared to approach him. There are too many other factors I have to consider. Like my mom, my beliefs, everything. How is it that a few words from Mom can make everything that seems so right, so wrong? How is it that all those touches, those kisses, that I’ve craved for, longed for, how is it that she can make them seem so disgusting, so wrong, with one sentence? How is it that she can make me question my faith, my love, with a few words on her part, when the whole world hasn’t been able to move me?
And how is it that through all this struggling that I’ve gone through, both she and Josh are still glaringly clear in my mind?
So what can I do to make all this right? What must I do to get Josh back and keep Mom happy at the same time? Is that even possible now? Why won’t Mom just lay off and let me be with Josh? If I were less sure, if I had the slightest hint of a doubt that Josh and I were not meant to be, I’d let it drop. I’d forget him and move on, just like Mom said. But I can’t.
Because I believed in this relationship, Laura. I believed in it with all my heart and soul. And when I was forced to work side-by-side with him on a non-talking basis, I was mad. I was furious at first. But the hurt I saw in his eyes melted me and I just felt incredibly unhappy. And tired. And exasperated. And about a hundred other things all at once. Even deliciously happy.
We’re still not talking now. And I know it’s hurting him worse than ever. He’s become more drawn than I’ve ever seen before. When things got rough, he grew stronger, he became my rock, he helped me. And now… now he’s got no one to help him and he’s weakening. Chris and Joey aren’t what he needs. I am. And I’m the one who cut him up like this. God, Laura, I’m a monster.
I can’t stand seeing him like this. I can’t stand waking up every morning with this huge sense of loss and helplessness because he isn’t next to me in bed, just holding my hand or cuddling up to me. He used to be my reason in living. And now it’s like there isn’t a reason anymore. But I don’t know what else to do. How can I convince Mom that this is real? It’s not wrong, I just know it isn’t.
I’m in desperate need of advice that only Josh would be able to give me. And right now, I can’t even look him in the eye. Shit, I am a goner. I need to hear him laugh, just once, and I could keep going for the next few weeks. But there’s no way that’s going to happen. Not unless we patch up soon.
Ha. Like I said, no way that’s going to happen.
Love,
Lance.
“And why shouldn’t it happen?” Lance wondered out loud, tapping his pen idly against the tabletop. “We can still talk, can’t we?” He shook his head at his own stupidity. “No. No, we can’t. That’s not an option here, Bass.”
“Talking to yourself again?”
Lance shot to his feet at the sound of the quiet voice. He turned around slowly and his green eyes slammed into sparkling cerulean. “Josh.” He murmured.
“I’m sorry.” JC seemed to suddenly realize what he was doing and he turned away, leaving his ex alone. “That was stupid, Chasez. Plain stupid. You don’t talk to the man as if everything’s still okay. That was stupid, stupid, STUPID.”
“Talking to yourself again?”
JC froze at the repeat of his own words. He let out a dry chuckle and forced himself to relax. “No. I. Lance. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to talk to me just because you feel obligated to because I started the conversation first. It was a crazy move on my part. Forget it.”
Lance noted that JC hadn’t even turned around to meet him. Gently, slowly, cautiously, he reached out to touch JC tentatively on the shoulder, relishing the feel of JC’s skin under his hand. He swallowed nervously. “Um. No. Don’t. It wasn’t… stupid. I… wanted to talk to you too.”
“You did?” JC still hadn’t turned around and he was growing tenser by the minute. Lance’s hand was resting innocently on his shoulder, but he felt as though his whole body was heating up just from the close proximity of Lance’s familiar figure near his. “Oh. Okay. What… did you wanna talk about?”
“I…” Lance bit his lip, removing his hand. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I acted like a jerk and that was totally unacceptable. We should have talked things out. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”
JC’s shoulders dropped and he took another small step forward, away from Lance, before pausing and saying lowly, his back still facing Lance, “If that’s all you wanted to say then… I think I should go.”
There was a tense silence and both men waited impatiently, worriedly, for Lance’s answer. “Yeah. That would probably be best.” The words were out of Lance’s mouth before he realized what he was saying.
“Right. Yeah. Okay.” JC’s voice cracked as he struggled to keep composed. “But what were all those touches about then, Lance? Are you still messing with me? God, what do you want me to do?” JC blinked in surprise. He didn’t… “Oh. Shit. Lance, god, I’m sorry.” He spun around and winced at the shock in Lance’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I just… look, I’m sorry. I’ll go.”
Lance grabbed JC’s arm as the brunette turned to leave again. “No. Wait. Stay.”
“What do you want, Lance?” JC asked, softer this time, his voice weakening.
“What do you mean?” Lance whispered, wanting to know the extent of the pain he had inflicted on his lover, the one person he loved more than life itself.
“You’re still messing with me. What do you want me to do?” JC whispered back, sinking to the floor, his hands wrapped firmly in his long hair. “Are you trying to prove something, Lance? Yes, you still get to me. I still love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, more than I thought I could ever love anyone. You still hurt me when you don’t return my smiles, though god knows I can’t do that anymore, and you still kill me when you act like I’m not there. Every time you look at me like you don’t see me, or talk as if I’m not in the room, as if you’re addressing everyone there but me, you break me even more.” JC stood again, his hands in his pockets as he continued speaking, “Is that what you wanted to hear, Lance? You’ve done it. You’ve won. You’ve broken me. I… I can’t get myself back together again. Without you, I’m nothing. You made me fall in love with you. You made me believe in love. You made me believe I was worth your love. And then you took that away from me. So you’ve won, Lance. I still love you, I’ll ALWAYS love you. No matter how many times you decide you want to play me, or hurt me, physically or emotionally, no matter how long this goes on and how pained I feel, I’ll still love you. Because I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I CAN stop. Not even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. Because if I do, you might end up like me one day. Unloved. Completely. Just thrown aside. At least this way, you know, that no matter what happens, even if the world comes crashing down, one man…”
JC choked on his words as his tears started to run down his face. He took a deep breath and continued, “One man in this cold, cruel world, has given you his heart. And you can have the satisfaction of knowing you broke it, again and again and again, and he stupidly kept pining after you, even after he knew he wasn’t worthy of you, knowing that it wasn’t going to work out, he let that hope live on. And you trampled on it and crushed it and threw it in his face…” JC swallowed, and continued in an even softer voice, “And he still kept his love for you alive. It burned in him, and it ate him whole, but he continued living his pathetic life loving you. And he never stopped. And he’s never going to stop. Because he can’t. And he won’t. So that at least, even if the world stopped tomorrow, you’ll know that SOMEONE loved you. LOVES you. And that no matter how you break him, tear him down, kick him aside, he’s going to keep being there for you if you need him. If you call him, he’ll run to you, just to let you know that he’ll always be there. If you push him away, he’ll leave again, because he knows you’re too good for him and you deserve better. If you touch him, he’ll curl into a ball and die because he craves that, yearns for it, and it’s like you’re feeding a dying man salt water, making him more and more thirsty instead of saving him. But he’ll let you do it to him again and again, just because you’re you. And he can’t stop himself.”
“Josh…” Lance reached out and squeezed JC’s shoulder again, tears slipping down his own cheeks as he realized the intensity of JC’s pain, the pain HE had caused. And, as promised, JC didn’t pull away. He stood, stiffly, waiting for Lance to collect himself before continuing, because now that he had started he couldn’t stop. He had to get it all out.
“I love you Lance. I loved you ever since you first joined the band. I loved you even more when you said you loved me back. And even now, after all that’s happened, after your mom says I don’t deserve you, I’m not good enough for you, I still love you. Because I guess she’s right. And I can’t argue with that. But just know that. That I love you. And that I always will.”
JC walked away then, rubbing the tears in his glistening blue eyes away viciously. Lance stared after him, dumbstruck. Then he sank to his knees and punched the floor. “Dammit,” he cursed. “Damn all of this!”
Letter #5: JC
Dear Heather
Hey, how’s my favourite sister? Is everything okay at home? Things here are fine. The tour was great and everything, and now we’re finally getting a little relaxation in before we all split up. Sooo… I should probably be seeing you soon. Tell Mom I’ll be back soon and that she better cook something good for me, okay? I’ve missed you guys. More than you know. Doubt you’ve missed me. Oh, you have? That’s so sweet.
Anyway, your birthday’s coming up soon. Yes, I know I forget things, but I wouldn’t forget THIS. It’s your, what, twenty-third birthday? That’s an important age.
Did you buy our CD? It’s out now, isn’t it? How is it? Did you like it? I think this is the coolest concerts of all time. And I’m starting to sound like a ten-year-old. No, wait, I’m always sounding like that anyway. Ha ha. I cracked a joke, see? Yes. Right.
So… you asked what’s up with me and Lance? Well… he’s… good, I guess. I really don’t know what else to say. I’m guessing you’ve already heard stuff from people about… us. I don’t know what you’ve heard but don’t believe any of it. I’ll tell you everything once I get home. Right now, I’m just missing y’all really bad. See what kind of influence Justin is? I’m starting to WRITE like him. Jesus, that’s scary.
So, anyway, despite my being a writer, I am now stuck. There’s nothing I feel that I have to say to you that hasn’t already been said. Except I love you.
Yeah, I’m getting all sappy but don’t throw this away.
Um. So. Yeah. Really, that’s all there is to it. I love you and Ty like, a lot. And you guys are the best siblings ever. And I’m sorry I’m in this huge band that has to travel so much because I’d really rather be at home with y’all, watching you guys grow up and start doing stuff that no older sibling watched me do. I remember I always wanted an older brother or sister or something, someone who could guide me as I went along, and I’m just sorry I can’t do that for you two as well.
I wanted to be there to watch you guys date your first boy/girl friend and go to your first prom and go to your first job interview and everything… and I’m so sorry I couldn’t be. It’s the biggest regret in my life.
Okay, I don’t want anyone getting choked up over this letter or anything, got it? Good. So, I guess this is the part I say goodbye.
Love,
Josh
JC reread his letter, rolling his eyes at himself. “Oh hell,” he shook his head and pushed the letter into a scented envelope, knowing Heather would roll her eyes at him when she got the letter as well, but he kept forgetting how old she was. Sometimes, in his mind’s eye, he would still see her as a fifteen-year-old who still giggled about sex and played Truth Or Dare with her friends.
He sighed as he remembered what he had said to Lance only a few days ago. They still weren’t talking. JC didn’t know whether to be thankful or sad. He chose thankful, because there was too much misery going on already, and he wanted their parting to be a happy one.
He tucked the letter neatly into his pocket and went to look for Chris for something to do. “Hey, Chris.”
“JC!” Chris grinned, grabbing the younger brunette in a one-armed hug. “Hey. What were you doing?”
“Nothing much. Just writing to my sis. You know how it is.”
“Hmm.” Chris had no doubt that JC had not even mentioned his fight with Lance. THAT was how self-sacrificing he was. He kept everything bottled up inside. Unfortunately for him, Chris had overheard, again, his conversation with Lance the other day. “Well… how did she react to this Lance thing?”
“I didn’t tell her,” JC admitted, shrugging. “I don’t think she needs to know all this. I’d rather keep her out of this huge mess. It’s crazy enough as it is, I don’t need to go adding to her burdens.”
Chris smiled ruefully, “Always thinking for other people.”
“It’s a habit,” JC shrugged again, forcing a smile.
Chris could hardly smile back. “I heard you and Lance that day.”
JC stood rigidly at Chris’ sentence. “You… oh.”
“That’s it? Oh?”
“Um, what else can I say?”
“What do you WANT to say?”
“I don’t know, Chris. I told him all that was inside of me. He can remember it, or chuck it, I don’t care. I’m too tired to care.” With that, JC went back into the room, going to lie down and think, leaving Chris shaking his head at his retreating figure.
“I’m gonna miss you guys.” Justin pulled Lance into a bear hug. “So… I’m gonna see you guys soon right? It’s N’sync’s fourteen month break, but that doesn’t mean we can’t visit each other.”
“Yeah.” Lance whispered, hugging Justin even harder before letting go.
He, Lance and JC were the last three who hadn’t left yet. Justin gave one last wave before running towards his gate, knowing that he was supposed to be on the plane already.
“So.”
JC smiled, holding out his hand, “Look, you ever need anything, call me. I don’t care what time, when, where, just call.”
“Got it.”
JC’s plane was called then and he gave Lance one last smile, before disappearing into the crowd of people. Lance stared at the floor, the realization hitting him like a ton of bricks. “Josh!” he yelled.
Almost instantly, JC was back by his side, flushed and breathless. He glanced questioningly at Lance, a hint of hope in his eyes. Is he actually going to… no, no, don’t think like that JC. Don’t. What happened the last time you got your hopes up?
“You forgot your bag,” Lance handed JC the smaller bag on the floor and JC blushed, his hopes crushed, thanked Lance and disappeared into the crowd again. He didn’t even look back to see if Lance was still there, he just ran to his gate, hoping the plane hadn’t left without him. He didn’t allow himself to think, he just ran… he wasn’t even sure if he was running in the correct direction, but he didn’t care. He just needed to get away.
But he froze in his tracks when he heard Lance’s familiar bass over the speakers. “Josh, if you’re still here… if you’re anywhere around at all… please come here. Meet me at the counter. We need to talk.”
Letter #6: Closing Letter Part A
Lance paced the floor worriedly, shaking his head. “What can I say? Shit. This is bad. This is so screwed. I am NO good with words.”
“Talking to yourself again?”
This was the third time he had heard the words. Lance allowed a small smile to grace his lips as he looked up. His smile widened at the sight of a panting, breathless JC, knowing that the man had run all the way to the counter as soon as Lance called.
“No. Yes. Actually, I was just trying to pass the time.”
“Really?” JC teased, but Lance could tell he was drained. The look in his eyes gave him away. He was tired of playing mind games with Lance, but looking back on their earlier conversation… or confession… Lance knew he would go along with it if Lance wanted him to. “What were you waiting for?”
“It’s a who, actually.”
JC’s eyes shimmered with something Lance couldn’t quite pinpoint, before the brunette managed a polite smile. “This is the part where the audience sighs because the actor will obviously ask the obvious question – who is this who?”
“And this is the part the audience is hanging off the edge of their seat with anxiety, going who? Who? Who? When they all already know the answer.”
JC’s eyes widened, but he shook his head. “You’re not answering my question. And you said you wanted to talk. What about? I’m going to miss my flight if we keep this up, Lance.”
Lance smiled. “I was waiting for you, doofus. And… well, that’s kinda what I wanted to talk about. You missing your flight.”
“Did you arrange for it to fly without me, Lance?”
“No. But I think it just did.”
“Shit,” JC muttered, checking his watch and realizing Lance was right. No pilot in his right mind would wait for ANY passenger – celebrity or not – if he was half an hour late. “So… talk. And I’ll go rebook a ticket after we talk.”
“Actually… I was hoping… I’d rather you not, Josh.”
JC closed his eyes, enjoying the way his name seemed to roll off Lance’s tongue. Then he realized what he was doing and his eyes shot open. “Um. Not what?”
“Rebook.”
“Why?”
“I… well… I want you to stay.”
“What for, Lance? Do you want me to bring you around here or something?”
“No. I mean, I want you to stay. With me.”
“With… with you?”
“Yes.”
JC’s eyes were wide and he fell against the table, his knuckles gripping the side of the table so hard they were white. “What are you trying to tell me, Lance?” he whispered finally.
“That I… I love you, Josh. I still want you to be with me. I want you to stay with me. I want to take away all the hurt that I caused. I want to prove that I loved you everyday you thought I didn’t. I want to prove that you ARE the right one for me. I want… I want you.”
“Don’t do this to me again, Lance. You know… you know I can’t say no to you. Please Lance. Don’t mess with me again.”
Lance bit his lip at the pain in JC’s voice. “I’m not pulling anything. I swear. I do love you Josh. I love you so much.”
JC collapsed into Lance’s arms as the younger blond pulled him away from the table. His arms went around Lance’s neck and he found it in him to bury his head in Lance’s shoulder. “You don’t… you’re not… you’re not supposed to love me, Lance… You’re supposed to let me go and I’m supposed to try to forget you and… and you’re not supposed to be able to do this to me again.”
“I do love you, Josh. I swear it.” Lance pressed his lips against JC’s chastely, relishing the taste that was JC. God, he had missed this. He had missed all of this. “Josh, don’t leave me. I’ll never hurt you again, I promise. Please. Please don’t leave me.”
“I… Lance…” JC shook his head numbly, tears of joy glittering in his eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll stay with me. Say you forgive me for being such an idiot. Say you’ll never leave me and you’ll kick my ass if I ever pull something like this on you again. Then I’ll swear that I will NEVER hurt you again. I’ll never, ever, hurt you.”
“Oh god… Lance.”
Letter #6: Closing Letter Part B
Dear all,
You are cordially invited to the wedding of
&
Mr. Joshua Scott Chasez
Yours sincerely,
Melinda Bell
-fin-