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Gone
[N'sync] [Basez] [G]
Gone
“Hey baby… how are you feeling?”
Lance Bass reached out to stroke his lover’s cheek. Tears filled his eyes as he took in JC’s expressionless face. There was a dead, glazed over look in JC’s eyes and Lance ached just looking at them.
Once there had been so much mirth, love and LIFE in those eyes. But now… now they were nothing but hollow sapphires. And it killed Lance to know he had been the cause of JC’s condition. He was filled with rage and contempt for himself every time he saw JC.
It had been four years. FOUR YEARS, dammit! And the hated and anger was still as raw and painful as it had been all those years ago. It was because of Lance that JC’s parents had disowned him, because of Lance that he was in this situation in the first place; it was because of this that N’sync had broken up, because of this that Lance wondered if he would ever get to hear his lover’s beautiful, passionate voice ever again.
“I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry.”
Lance’s shoulders shook silently as he cried. Tears of fury, resentment, love, hatred… they spilled over Lance’s eyelashes and left stains down his cheeks. Part of him wished it had never happened… he would rather have never felt the meaning of love, than watch JC suffer like this.
His mind traveled back to when everything had been perfect, to the times when they had been happy. Together.
“Lance?” JC wrapped his arms around Lance’s waist and trailed kisses down the Lance’s jaw line, grinning when he felt Lance go lax in his arms. “Hey babe, what’re you doing?”
“Um, checking out the, um, lips – I mean, TRIPS! – I have to take this year. Oh god, Josh… for you, I mean, FreeLance. Dammit, Josh, would you stop? I can hardly concentrate on my-”
JC cut Lance’s nervous rumbling off and covered Lance’s warm lips with his. “I can leave right now if you want me to,” JC teased, grinning when Lance groaned and shook his head.
“You KNOW I won’t… no, CAN’T, let you leave.” Lance turned around in his seat and glared at JC. “You like doing this to me, don’t you?”
“What?” JC asked, raising his eyebrows innocently. “What did I do THIS time, Lance?”
Lance rolled his eyes and JC giggled. “Okay, okay… be that way.”
JC just grinned.
Lance sighed and leaned into JC’s warm embrace, resting his head on JC’s shoulder. He closed his eyes, inwardly glad for the distraction, and whispered, “There are times you’re such a pain.”
JC forced a pout, but it was difficult when Lance’s breath was hot on his neck and all he wanted to do was… “I love you too.”
Lance just smiled.
“Lance?” JC said softly, after a few minute’s hesitation. “I was thinking… maybe we should just tell everyone… about us.”
Lance stiffened and pulled out of JC’s embrace. “But Josh… we can’t. I mean… we just can’t.”
“Why not?” JC pleaded, a frown creasing his forehead. “I love you, Lance. And I want the whole world to know that. I don’t want to have to hide this from anyone. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world… it’s LOVE Lance. We… why do we have to keep hiding it?”
Lance reached out to touch JC’s shoulder tentatively. “Josh…” Lance’s voice broke when he saw JC holding back tears. He knew what JC meant… their love shouldn’t have to be stolen kisses behind locked doors, hand holding in dark cinemas, smiles in between mealtimes or nights together… it should be out in the open… it should be THERE.
“All right,” Lance finally agreed. “Let’s do it.”
“I told you it was a bad idea, but nooo… no one ever listens to Justin.” Justin grumbled as he flopped backwards onto his bed in the five star hotel they were staying in.
The group was on yet another tour and it was only two weeks after JC and Lance had announced their relationship. There had been crazed fans and the hysteria hadn’t died down completely. JC had almost been assaulted by one of Lance’s fans earlier that week and Lance was deathly afraid someone might try the same thing again.
JC was the only one being calm and positive about things. Whenever Lance felt like crying or just needed to be around him, he would drop whatever he was doing, just so Lance would be happy.
“I’m sorry Lance,” he would whisper.
“For what?”
“For making us do this. I’m sorry for making you so miserable. All this is my fault. You should blame me.”
“No,” Lance protested. “We wanted to do this. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault the fans can’t accept it; it’s not your fault we have to do this. It’s not your fault your parents can’t understand. It’s not your fault, Josh.”
They would fall asleep in each other’s arms, contented to know that they could now be open with their relationship, with their LOVE for each other. And that was enough.
It had been three weeks now. Three weeks since his world had started falling apart. He was glad that he had told the world about him and Lance. But he was worried. And scared.
He was scared someone would try to hurt Lance, just like they had tried to hurt him. He was scared that he wouldn’t be able to pull himself out of this crisis, as he had so many other times. During those times, Lance had been strong and had helped him through, but this time… this time Lance was weak. And JC was alone.
“I can do this,” JC said aloud, encouraging himself. Lance was going to be looking for him any minute and he needed to finish the song before then. He was getting hardly any work done and Lance crying every night didn’t serve as encouragement.
There were so many times he felt like giving up; he just wanted to retreat into his own little world, where he could protect Lance from everything, and lead a quiet life. Why was that so difficult? Because they were damned pop stars, that’s why. Tens of millions of girls claimed to know him; claimed to know Lance. Just because they knew every detail about his life – where he lived, what his name was… But they didn’t know anything. They knew Lance, the sweet, quiet, dependable Lance.
But they didn’t know LANCE. JC’s Lance. The sweet, funny, stupid, VULNERABLE Lance. They hadn’t seen Lance breaking down because his parents were weirded out by his gender preferences; they hadn’t seen Lance cry because Johnny expected them to be 100% even though the fans were practically killing them… they hadn’t seen any of that. JC was the only one who knew, the only one who cared.
Sure, the guys were supportive, but there wasn’t much they could do. Lance and JC had to do this alone, and right then, JC was feeling defeated. But he knew he had to be strong… he had to keep struggling, even though it felt as though he was killing himself bit by bit. He had to keep going, just for Lance.
And that was what made it worth all the effort.
The tears hadn’t stopped. Lance’s face was buried in his hands now. He couldn’t bring himself to look at JC any longer. The man he loved seemed to be lost to him forever; a stranger from a foreign land taken over his body… and Josh wasn’t there anymore. He was gone.
The emotions crashing through Lance then were devastating. He had never felt so completely and utterly USELESS before. Never in his life had he known desperation as intense, as fearsome as his. He wanted so badly to see the JC he knew, the JC he had grown to love… but there was NOTHING he could do. His heart ached at the thought.
“Don’t leave me, Josh. Please…” Lance whispered.
He remembered, all too clearly, the day JC had collapsed. They had been practicing THEIR song. And JC had sung it with so much emotion – more than he usually managed, that Lance had felt tears coming to his eyes.
“Just close your eyes
Each lovin’ day
And know this feeling won’t go away
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you…”
JC’s mind was in a whirl. His vision suddenly blurred and he had to blink twice before Lance’s face finally swam back into his sight. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. He hadn’t slept well in ages.
Ever since they had broken the news, JC had spent almost every night awake, watching Lance as he slept fitfully, holding him tight when he seemed to be having nightmares… and every time Lance came into his room crying, JC’s heart would break.
It was too much. Everything was just too much.
He couldn’t take it anymore. He knew he was pushing his body to the limits, but he had ignored it. He had ignored his health and put his life on the line just to make sure Lance was okay. But he didn’t care. It was worth it, as long as Lance was happy, anything was worth it.
But JC knew now, that something was terribly wrong.
He stood up unsteadily, swaying slightly. He looked up and the fear in Lance’s eyes almost paralyzed him for a moment. He had managed a weak smile. Then his world went completely black.
The band had broken up. JC showed no sign of getting better and yet Lance continued to visit him at the asylum everyday. The nurses clucked their tongues in pity every time they saw him. Usually, he would be with one of the guys, but as the weeks and months passed, he ended up being the only one to continue visiting JC.
It hurt to know that he was the only one who believed JC had a chance. Who believed JC would make it. But, hey, the guys weren’t even related to him, why would they care that much? He was a good friend, maybe even a brother, but he was gone now. Gone.
Even his parents wouldn’t visit. They disowned him and they were going to keep on acting like he didn’t exist. They were going to pretend that Joshua Scott Chasez had never seen the light of day. Maybe they were glad that he was this way.
It was hard.
No, hard was an understatement. As Lance left JC that day, he felt a part of himself die. His heart. He had left it in JC’s hands and there it would remain. He kissed JC on the lips, tasting his own tears and knowing that JC didn’t. He walked towards the door, wiping his tears away.
He turned back to JC one last time. “Bye Josh. I love you. Always have, always will.”
And then he was gone.
He knew now. The guys, they had been right all along. JC was gone. He was dead. There was nothing left in him, but that empty shell. Lance could hear JC screaming at the top of his lungs as he was wheeled back into the cold white room they called his cell.
Lance sank down to the floor on his knees. He didn’t care about acting strong anymore. He didn’t care about what anyone said. He didn’t care about anything. Because JC was gone.
He cried.
JC was gone.
And it was all his fault.
An extract from Gone by N’sync
… what will I do if I can’t be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Now that we are apart
… baby why don’t you see
That I need you here with me
I’ve been sitting here
Can’t get you off my mind
I’m trying my best to be a man and be strong
I’ve drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you’re gone…
I’ve been sitting here
Can’t get you off my mind
I’m trying my best to be a man and be strong
I’ve drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you’re…
Gone.
-fin-
Gone
“Hey baby… how are you feeling?”
Lance Bass reached out to stroke his lover’s cheek. Tears filled his eyes as he took in JC’s expressionless face. There was a dead, glazed over look in JC’s eyes and Lance ached just looking at them.
Once there had been so much mirth, love and LIFE in those eyes. But now… now they were nothing but hollow sapphires. And it killed Lance to know he had been the cause of JC’s condition. He was filled with rage and contempt for himself every time he saw JC.
It had been four years. FOUR YEARS, dammit! And the hated and anger was still as raw and painful as it had been all those years ago. It was because of Lance that JC’s parents had disowned him, because of Lance that he was in this situation in the first place; it was because of this that N’sync had broken up, because of this that Lance wondered if he would ever get to hear his lover’s beautiful, passionate voice ever again.
“I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry.”
Lance’s shoulders shook silently as he cried. Tears of fury, resentment, love, hatred… they spilled over Lance’s eyelashes and left stains down his cheeks. Part of him wished it had never happened… he would rather have never felt the meaning of love, than watch JC suffer like this.
His mind traveled back to when everything had been perfect, to the times when they had been happy. Together.
“Lance?” JC wrapped his arms around Lance’s waist and trailed kisses down the Lance’s jaw line, grinning when he felt Lance go lax in his arms. “Hey babe, what’re you doing?”
“Um, checking out the, um, lips – I mean, TRIPS! – I have to take this year. Oh god, Josh… for you, I mean, FreeLance. Dammit, Josh, would you stop? I can hardly concentrate on my-”
JC cut Lance’s nervous rumbling off and covered Lance’s warm lips with his. “I can leave right now if you want me to,” JC teased, grinning when Lance groaned and shook his head.
“You KNOW I won’t… no, CAN’T, let you leave.” Lance turned around in his seat and glared at JC. “You like doing this to me, don’t you?”
“What?” JC asked, raising his eyebrows innocently. “What did I do THIS time, Lance?”
Lance rolled his eyes and JC giggled. “Okay, okay… be that way.”
JC just grinned.
Lance sighed and leaned into JC’s warm embrace, resting his head on JC’s shoulder. He closed his eyes, inwardly glad for the distraction, and whispered, “There are times you’re such a pain.”
JC forced a pout, but it was difficult when Lance’s breath was hot on his neck and all he wanted to do was… “I love you too.”
Lance just smiled.
“Lance?” JC said softly, after a few minute’s hesitation. “I was thinking… maybe we should just tell everyone… about us.”
Lance stiffened and pulled out of JC’s embrace. “But Josh… we can’t. I mean… we just can’t.”
“Why not?” JC pleaded, a frown creasing his forehead. “I love you, Lance. And I want the whole world to know that. I don’t want to have to hide this from anyone. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world… it’s LOVE Lance. We… why do we have to keep hiding it?”
Lance reached out to touch JC’s shoulder tentatively. “Josh…” Lance’s voice broke when he saw JC holding back tears. He knew what JC meant… their love shouldn’t have to be stolen kisses behind locked doors, hand holding in dark cinemas, smiles in between mealtimes or nights together… it should be out in the open… it should be THERE.
“All right,” Lance finally agreed. “Let’s do it.”
“I told you it was a bad idea, but nooo… no one ever listens to Justin.” Justin grumbled as he flopped backwards onto his bed in the five star hotel they were staying in.
The group was on yet another tour and it was only two weeks after JC and Lance had announced their relationship. There had been crazed fans and the hysteria hadn’t died down completely. JC had almost been assaulted by one of Lance’s fans earlier that week and Lance was deathly afraid someone might try the same thing again.
JC was the only one being calm and positive about things. Whenever Lance felt like crying or just needed to be around him, he would drop whatever he was doing, just so Lance would be happy.
“I’m sorry Lance,” he would whisper.
“For what?”
“For making us do this. I’m sorry for making you so miserable. All this is my fault. You should blame me.”
“No,” Lance protested. “We wanted to do this. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault the fans can’t accept it; it’s not your fault we have to do this. It’s not your fault your parents can’t understand. It’s not your fault, Josh.”
They would fall asleep in each other’s arms, contented to know that they could now be open with their relationship, with their LOVE for each other. And that was enough.
It had been three weeks now. Three weeks since his world had started falling apart. He was glad that he had told the world about him and Lance. But he was worried. And scared.
He was scared someone would try to hurt Lance, just like they had tried to hurt him. He was scared that he wouldn’t be able to pull himself out of this crisis, as he had so many other times. During those times, Lance had been strong and had helped him through, but this time… this time Lance was weak. And JC was alone.
“I can do this,” JC said aloud, encouraging himself. Lance was going to be looking for him any minute and he needed to finish the song before then. He was getting hardly any work done and Lance crying every night didn’t serve as encouragement.
There were so many times he felt like giving up; he just wanted to retreat into his own little world, where he could protect Lance from everything, and lead a quiet life. Why was that so difficult? Because they were damned pop stars, that’s why. Tens of millions of girls claimed to know him; claimed to know Lance. Just because they knew every detail about his life – where he lived, what his name was… But they didn’t know anything. They knew Lance, the sweet, quiet, dependable Lance.
But they didn’t know LANCE. JC’s Lance. The sweet, funny, stupid, VULNERABLE Lance. They hadn’t seen Lance breaking down because his parents were weirded out by his gender preferences; they hadn’t seen Lance cry because Johnny expected them to be 100% even though the fans were practically killing them… they hadn’t seen any of that. JC was the only one who knew, the only one who cared.
Sure, the guys were supportive, but there wasn’t much they could do. Lance and JC had to do this alone, and right then, JC was feeling defeated. But he knew he had to be strong… he had to keep struggling, even though it felt as though he was killing himself bit by bit. He had to keep going, just for Lance.
And that was what made it worth all the effort.
The tears hadn’t stopped. Lance’s face was buried in his hands now. He couldn’t bring himself to look at JC any longer. The man he loved seemed to be lost to him forever; a stranger from a foreign land taken over his body… and Josh wasn’t there anymore. He was gone.
The emotions crashing through Lance then were devastating. He had never felt so completely and utterly USELESS before. Never in his life had he known desperation as intense, as fearsome as his. He wanted so badly to see the JC he knew, the JC he had grown to love… but there was NOTHING he could do. His heart ached at the thought.
“Don’t leave me, Josh. Please…” Lance whispered.
He remembered, all too clearly, the day JC had collapsed. They had been practicing THEIR song. And JC had sung it with so much emotion – more than he usually managed, that Lance had felt tears coming to his eyes.
“Just close your eyes
Each lovin’ day
And know this feeling won’t go away
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you…”
JC’s mind was in a whirl. His vision suddenly blurred and he had to blink twice before Lance’s face finally swam back into his sight. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. He hadn’t slept well in ages.
Ever since they had broken the news, JC had spent almost every night awake, watching Lance as he slept fitfully, holding him tight when he seemed to be having nightmares… and every time Lance came into his room crying, JC’s heart would break.
It was too much. Everything was just too much.
He couldn’t take it anymore. He knew he was pushing his body to the limits, but he had ignored it. He had ignored his health and put his life on the line just to make sure Lance was okay. But he didn’t care. It was worth it, as long as Lance was happy, anything was worth it.
But JC knew now, that something was terribly wrong.
He stood up unsteadily, swaying slightly. He looked up and the fear in Lance’s eyes almost paralyzed him for a moment. He had managed a weak smile. Then his world went completely black.
The band had broken up. JC showed no sign of getting better and yet Lance continued to visit him at the asylum everyday. The nurses clucked their tongues in pity every time they saw him. Usually, he would be with one of the guys, but as the weeks and months passed, he ended up being the only one to continue visiting JC.
It hurt to know that he was the only one who believed JC had a chance. Who believed JC would make it. But, hey, the guys weren’t even related to him, why would they care that much? He was a good friend, maybe even a brother, but he was gone now. Gone.
Even his parents wouldn’t visit. They disowned him and they were going to keep on acting like he didn’t exist. They were going to pretend that Joshua Scott Chasez had never seen the light of day. Maybe they were glad that he was this way.
It was hard.
No, hard was an understatement. As Lance left JC that day, he felt a part of himself die. His heart. He had left it in JC’s hands and there it would remain. He kissed JC on the lips, tasting his own tears and knowing that JC didn’t. He walked towards the door, wiping his tears away.
He turned back to JC one last time. “Bye Josh. I love you. Always have, always will.”
And then he was gone.
He knew now. The guys, they had been right all along. JC was gone. He was dead. There was nothing left in him, but that empty shell. Lance could hear JC screaming at the top of his lungs as he was wheeled back into the cold white room they called his cell.
Lance sank down to the floor on his knees. He didn’t care about acting strong anymore. He didn’t care about what anyone said. He didn’t care about anything. Because JC was gone.
He cried.
JC was gone.
And it was all his fault.
An extract from Gone by N’sync
… what will I do if I can’t be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Now that we are apart
… baby why don’t you see
That I need you here with me
I’ve been sitting here
Can’t get you off my mind
I’m trying my best to be a man and be strong
I’ve drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you’re gone…
I’ve been sitting here
Can’t get you off my mind
I’m trying my best to be a man and be strong
I’ve drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you’re…
Gone.
-fin-