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When It's Not Enough
[Blue] [Lee/Duncan] [PG-13]
When It's Not Enough
“Touch me.”
“*What*?”
“I said: touch me.”
Duncan looked at Lee, uncertainly. And then reached out to press a gentle hand to Lee’s elbow. “What’s wrong?”
Lee dropped his eyes to the floor, saying slowly, “Why don’t you ever?”
“I don’t know.” Duncan sat down, pulling away from Lee. “I didn’t think you’d—”
“You didn’t *think*.” Lee was furious. “You didn’t fucking think. At all.”
“Lee. You’re fucking twenty.”
They were quiet for a moment, and then Lee sat down as well, taking a deep, calming breath. “Doesn’t matter. Twenty’s plenty old.”
“No, Lee. Not for me.” Duncan sighed, and scrubbed his hands over his face, a frown that shouldn’t have been there creasing his forehead. It looked strange on Duncan’s face, strange and very wrong. “We can’t.”
“*You* can’t.” Lee struggled to catch his breath, to keep his voice steady. “I want this. Why, Duncan?”
“Lee, I just—” Duncan didn’t know what to say, couldn’t explain, refused to; he cast his eyes to the window, studiously not-looking at Lee.
“No,” Lee cut him off. “If you don’t want this – me – why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say—”
“Because none of it would’ve been true!” Duncan ran his hand over his head.
Lee looked shocked for a moment, and then his composure kicked in, and he swallowed hard. “Then why…?”
“It doesn’t matter. We just. We can’t.”
Lee was confused – that much was written in his eyes. Confused and hurt. “I want to, Duncan. I want—”
“It’s not about what you want anymore,” Duncan tried to force the bleak tone of his voice into something more substantial, something akin to anger, but it wouldn’t come; “it’s about the people you love, and the people who love you, and the people who don’t measure up.”
Lee was stunned into silence. He put his hands in his lap, dropping his head for a moment, trying to process what Duncan was saying. Then he stood, and went to kneel in front of the older man, who was still assiduously not-looking at him. “You measure up,” he whispered, “you more than measure up.”
“No, it’s not that I.” Duncan paused, and then shook his head. “It’s not. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Then *I’m* the one who doesn’t measure up,” Lee stood, anger firing his movements, his voice, his words. “That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? I don’t measure up. I’m too fucking young, too much a fucking child.”
Duncan didn’t say a word; he stared into the open field, wondering why he was so numb, why this wasn’t as hard as he’d thought it’d be – probably because, he figured, he’d thought he wouldn’t have been able to do it at all.
“But.” Lee’s voice was breaking at the lack of protest, “But I thought.”
Duncan just sighed, “Leave it, Lee. Isn’t it easier this way? Pretend you initiated the breakup. Pretend I cheated on you. Tell yourself I’m not enough. It’s fine. I don’t care.”
“You used to hate it when people lied.”
Duncan’s voice was hollow, like his heart, when he replied, “I learnt. I learnt because I had to do it, too.”
“Don’t lie to me, please don’t lie to me,” Lee felt himself close to sobbing now, and with fierce consternation and a muted control, he steadied his emotions, leveled his voice. “You don’t lie to me. Not me.”
Yes to you. You more than everyone else. “Then stop asking me,” Duncan’s voice was curt. “Stop and I won’t.”
Lee felt something inside of him snap, and he tried not to look into Duncan’s eyes, tried not to find the emptiness there, tried not to see that what they had was gone. “Two years,” he whispered. “Duncan, god.”
Duncan let his head hang, shutting his eyes violently. “I’m sorry,” he sounded almost choked. “But I can’t.”
Lee looked at him, disbelievingly. He clenched his jaw together, holding it all in, forcing himself to stand tall, stand proud, saying flatly, “You can’t.”
“Yes.”
Then Lee nodded, his lips only quivering just-so, and turned to leave, without another word.
Duncan let him go, and when he heard the click of the door, he lifted his eyes, seeking the phone. His hands were shaking as he dialed the familiar number, and his voice stuck in his throat as his call was answered.
“Kent? I have a message for your mom. Please tell her I did it. Tell her. Tell her I did it on her terms. He doesn’t know and he’s not going to find out. And. Okay. Thank you.”
When Duncan put down his hands were still shaking.
He pressed his fists to his eyes, and kept his teeth ground firmly together, pretending not to hear Lee punching the walls in the room next door, trying to hold his emotions in, in case someone found him and asked what was wrong.
“Rough day?”
Duncan sucked his breath in and held it for a moment, till he was sure he could speak without his voice breaking. “Something like.” He forced a smile as he looked up into Antony’s familiar face. “Look, I gotta jet. Help me…” he paused, “Lee’s next door. Will you?”
“I heard him,” Antony’s face clouded over. “What’s wrong? Did you fight again?”
Duncan didn’t answer, just stood, and left the room, wondering if his chest was going to explode with all the pressure and the pain he was keeping inside. He’d broken Lee, and he knew it. He just hoped Antony could pick up the pieces; pick up the pieces and fix them back together. He hoped he could survive it if Antony did.
-fin-
When It's Not Enough
“Touch me.”
“*What*?”
“I said: touch me.”
Duncan looked at Lee, uncertainly. And then reached out to press a gentle hand to Lee’s elbow. “What’s wrong?”
Lee dropped his eyes to the floor, saying slowly, “Why don’t you ever?”
“I don’t know.” Duncan sat down, pulling away from Lee. “I didn’t think you’d—”
“You didn’t *think*.” Lee was furious. “You didn’t fucking think. At all.”
“Lee. You’re fucking twenty.”
They were quiet for a moment, and then Lee sat down as well, taking a deep, calming breath. “Doesn’t matter. Twenty’s plenty old.”
“No, Lee. Not for me.” Duncan sighed, and scrubbed his hands over his face, a frown that shouldn’t have been there creasing his forehead. It looked strange on Duncan’s face, strange and very wrong. “We can’t.”
“*You* can’t.” Lee struggled to catch his breath, to keep his voice steady. “I want this. Why, Duncan?”
“Lee, I just—” Duncan didn’t know what to say, couldn’t explain, refused to; he cast his eyes to the window, studiously not-looking at Lee.
“No,” Lee cut him off. “If you don’t want this – me – why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say—”
“Because none of it would’ve been true!” Duncan ran his hand over his head.
Lee looked shocked for a moment, and then his composure kicked in, and he swallowed hard. “Then why…?”
“It doesn’t matter. We just. We can’t.”
Lee was confused – that much was written in his eyes. Confused and hurt. “I want to, Duncan. I want—”
“It’s not about what you want anymore,” Duncan tried to force the bleak tone of his voice into something more substantial, something akin to anger, but it wouldn’t come; “it’s about the people you love, and the people who love you, and the people who don’t measure up.”
Lee was stunned into silence. He put his hands in his lap, dropping his head for a moment, trying to process what Duncan was saying. Then he stood, and went to kneel in front of the older man, who was still assiduously not-looking at him. “You measure up,” he whispered, “you more than measure up.”
“No, it’s not that I.” Duncan paused, and then shook his head. “It’s not. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Then *I’m* the one who doesn’t measure up,” Lee stood, anger firing his movements, his voice, his words. “That’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? I don’t measure up. I’m too fucking young, too much a fucking child.”
Duncan didn’t say a word; he stared into the open field, wondering why he was so numb, why this wasn’t as hard as he’d thought it’d be – probably because, he figured, he’d thought he wouldn’t have been able to do it at all.
“But.” Lee’s voice was breaking at the lack of protest, “But I thought.”
Duncan just sighed, “Leave it, Lee. Isn’t it easier this way? Pretend you initiated the breakup. Pretend I cheated on you. Tell yourself I’m not enough. It’s fine. I don’t care.”
“You used to hate it when people lied.”
Duncan’s voice was hollow, like his heart, when he replied, “I learnt. I learnt because I had to do it, too.”
“Don’t lie to me, please don’t lie to me,” Lee felt himself close to sobbing now, and with fierce consternation and a muted control, he steadied his emotions, leveled his voice. “You don’t lie to me. Not me.”
Yes to you. You more than everyone else. “Then stop asking me,” Duncan’s voice was curt. “Stop and I won’t.”
Lee felt something inside of him snap, and he tried not to look into Duncan’s eyes, tried not to find the emptiness there, tried not to see that what they had was gone. “Two years,” he whispered. “Duncan, god.”
Duncan let his head hang, shutting his eyes violently. “I’m sorry,” he sounded almost choked. “But I can’t.”
Lee looked at him, disbelievingly. He clenched his jaw together, holding it all in, forcing himself to stand tall, stand proud, saying flatly, “You can’t.”
“Yes.”
Then Lee nodded, his lips only quivering just-so, and turned to leave, without another word.
Duncan let him go, and when he heard the click of the door, he lifted his eyes, seeking the phone. His hands were shaking as he dialed the familiar number, and his voice stuck in his throat as his call was answered.
“Kent? I have a message for your mom. Please tell her I did it. Tell her. Tell her I did it on her terms. He doesn’t know and he’s not going to find out. And. Okay. Thank you.”
When Duncan put down his hands were still shaking.
He pressed his fists to his eyes, and kept his teeth ground firmly together, pretending not to hear Lee punching the walls in the room next door, trying to hold his emotions in, in case someone found him and asked what was wrong.
“Rough day?”
Duncan sucked his breath in and held it for a moment, till he was sure he could speak without his voice breaking. “Something like.” He forced a smile as he looked up into Antony’s familiar face. “Look, I gotta jet. Help me…” he paused, “Lee’s next door. Will you?”
“I heard him,” Antony’s face clouded over. “What’s wrong? Did you fight again?”
Duncan didn’t answer, just stood, and left the room, wondering if his chest was going to explode with all the pressure and the pain he was keeping inside. He’d broken Lee, and he knew it. He just hoped Antony could pick up the pieces; pick up the pieces and fix them back together. He hoped he could survive it if Antony did.
-fin-
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I NEED FIC WHERE THEY MAKE OUT. AND MORE. POSSIBLY IN A THREESOME. IDC ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES THEM BEING ALL OVER EACH OTHER. PREFERABLY AFTER THAT PHOTOSHOOT. UNNNNNNNNNNNNF.
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no subject
OMG HOW DID YOU FIND THIS
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ALSO I HAVE DECIDED I AM GOING TO READ THE FIRST FIC YOU EVER POSTED IN HERE. THERE'S SO MUCH I HAVEN'T READ OMG.
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ANNEKA NO
THERE IS A REASON YOU HAVE NOT READ THAT FIC OAPS;LDJKFOGILDSKJFG
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OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
ASDFOSGGLKJDSGHFD
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