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Merry Men: Episode 1
[American Idol/BSB/N'sync/Supernatural RPS] [David Archuleta/David Cook; David Cook/Several Others] [PG]
I don't actually watch The Bachelor, but I've been thinking about doing this for a while. It's sort of a weird style, I realize, but it was kind of fun to do, so there may be more, depending on the response!
Merry Men
The Bachelor Recap: Episode One
You'd think that after 43 seasons, this show would be out of gimmicks. Apparently not.
For those of you who've missed it, The Bachelor is going gay.
If you've been wondering why ABC's been holding out on photos of the contestants (or why I finally agreed to take on recapping this show), this would be the reason. (Two words: Naked. Manflesh.)
In this season premiere of The (Newly-Gay) Bachelor, we, along with Bachelor David Cook, are introduced to 18 other bachelors (note the lack of capitalization there), 6 of whom are going to be sent home at the end of the hour.
The show kicks off trying to get us invested in David, an Idol contestant who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the seventh season of the show. "It was probably the hair," David jokes. Based on the clip they aired, he's probably right.
Several minutes are spent in a 'day in the life-esque' montage of David working out, plucking at his guitar, and hanging out with a couple of his friends (a cleverly engineered scheme to bring out how good looking David is compared to the Average Joe, sorry guys).
David then reveals that it was his brother who sent in an application to the network under his name, and he was "totally bewildered" when he was called in for an interview. He was "apprehensive at first" but is now "glad to be part of the flagship attempt at gay TV reaching out to a wider, more general audience". (Yawn, we've heard this before, can we get over the PSA and skip to the manflesh already?)
Finally, we're introduced to some of the guys. There's Nick Carter, for one, a big, blond, blue-eyed power boat racer who's "looking for a reason to stay onshore"; Michael Johns, a tennis coach (or Guy with the Sexy Aussie Accent); Jared, a struggling actor with a smile that lights up the room, and brothers Jason and Michael Castro, whose hairdos deserve their own TV shows (if the cops don't find their stash of weed first.)
Host Chris Harrison starts quizzing David on whether he's been burned in the past, what he's looking for in a relationship, and what he wants out of the whole show (duh, someone he can connect with, and a recording contract, respectively). I'm yelling at my TV set because Harrison has apparently forgotten that David is not actually a woman.
Then the rest of the motley crew is brought out and introduced to David. Based on my expertise, I'm going to give you a breakdown of their chances.
Once the bachelors have all been introduced, Harrison herds them outside to give David a chance tosee his potential soul mates get naked in the pool get to know them better. T-shirts are shed, Speedos are introduced, and most of the guys seem eager to get with the program. Except for Archie, who seems content to hang out by the side of the pool with a glass of punch.
It makes him the first to score a couple of minutes with David, during which his inability to form coherent sentences is oddly endearing ("I don't really, um, like, taking my clothes off in front of an audience is weird and stuff, I don't know."). David thinks he's "hysterical".
Michael Johns comes over and makes small talk with David for a couple of minutes, before David goes looking for Jensen (I'm surprised he waited this long). Jensen wracks up points by steering the conversation towards music, but they're interrupted by Harrison bringing out the First Impression Champagne a la Boy Meets Boy (they're doing away with roses, thank god).
Howie decides it's time to make his move, and he comes out of the pool to talk to David for a moment. Unfortunately, David seems about as interested in real estate as Howie is in toweling off (which is to say, not at all).
David H. gets a minute alone with David, then, and they seem to make a connection, especially when David asks to be shown "a move or two". (Details are fuzzy at this point, as I am mostly concentrating on the overwhelming mass of wet, naked torso appearing on my TV screen. And this show is rated PG.)
Chris somehow finds a way to join in the fray, and he pulls Jason along with him, which gets a laugh out of David. Unfortunately, Nick comes along and manages to ruin my party with his lack of appropriate dance moves (that said, he is looking pretty drunk at this point). Then AJ pulls a non-sequitur by commenting on David's tattoos, and the pair end up discussing AJ's stint in rehab, which David knows takes a lot of strength to do. He admires AJ's candidness. To break the tension, AJ cracks, "So you're saying you'll respect me in the morning?"
(If that's his way of drawing attention to the activities that would lead up to said morning, it works.)
The Castro brothers swop hairstyling pointers with David after that, before Kevin hijacks the conversation with a (creepy) smile and a glass of white wine that I'm kind of relieved David doesn't touch. They start talking about hunting (something Kevin is clearly experienced in, and David isn't) but Chikezie quickly swoops in before the conversation can turn awkward.
Then Harrison announces that it's time to give out the First Impression Champagne, and David angsts over making the decision before finally giving it to AJ.
There's applause from everyone but Creepy Kevin, and then Harrison c-blocks everyone who hasn't gotten the chance to get David alone by asking David to follow him back inside the house. David talks about his first impressions of the bachelors so far (and he's totally PC about it, boring!) and then we're shown a montage of nervous faces as David reappears outside.
Without too much fanfare (okay, there might have been some fanfare, but there was also a long row of half-naked men, which might have led to my missing it), David picks Jensen, Jason, Michael Johns, David H. (score!), Lance, Justin, AJ, Chikezie, Jared, Archie (who almost takes Joey out as he flails in shock, and provides the second highlight of the night when he says, "Oh my gosh, but I don't drink, sorry! I - I'd really like to stay, though?"), Michael C., and Chris.
That means Joey, Nick, Brian, Kevin, Howie and JC are the first six bachelors to be sent home. (Sorry, guys. I hear Making The Band is still holding tryouts.)
Those who've made it celebrate with another round of champagne (and punch), while outside, JC rambles on about how "it just wasn't in the tea leaves," which is weird, and Kevin says, "You'll never know what you missed, David," which only adds to my psycho-serial-killer theory.
If there's a freak accident in the house next week, you'll know who to blame.
So, which man do you wish we'd gotten to know better, and which man caught your eye? Am I totally off the mark? Who's going home next week, and who would you crown Homecoming Queen?
Sound off below, and stay tuned for more (hopefully naked) manflesh next week.
I don't actually watch The Bachelor, but I've been thinking about doing this for a while. It's sort of a weird style, I realize, but it was kind of fun to do, so there may be more, depending on the response!
Merry Men
You'd think that after 43 seasons, this show would be out of gimmicks. Apparently not.
For those of you who've missed it, The Bachelor is going gay.
If you've been wondering why ABC's been holding out on photos of the contestants (or why I finally agreed to take on recapping this show), this would be the reason. (Two words: Naked. Manflesh.)
In this season premiere of The (Newly-Gay) Bachelor, we, along with Bachelor David Cook, are introduced to 18 other bachelors (note the lack of capitalization there), 6 of whom are going to be sent home at the end of the hour.
The show kicks off trying to get us invested in David, an Idol contestant who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the seventh season of the show. "It was probably the hair," David jokes. Based on the clip they aired, he's probably right.
Several minutes are spent in a 'day in the life-esque' montage of David working out, plucking at his guitar, and hanging out with a couple of his friends (a cleverly engineered scheme to bring out how good looking David is compared to the Average Joe, sorry guys).
David then reveals that it was his brother who sent in an application to the network under his name, and he was "totally bewildered" when he was called in for an interview. He was "apprehensive at first" but is now "glad to be part of the flagship attempt at gay TV reaching out to a wider, more general audience". (Yawn, we've heard this before, can we get over the PSA and skip to the manflesh already?)
Finally, we're introduced to some of the guys. There's Nick Carter, for one, a big, blond, blue-eyed power boat racer who's "looking for a reason to stay onshore"; Michael Johns, a tennis coach (or Guy with the Sexy Aussie Accent); Jared, a struggling actor with a smile that lights up the room, and brothers Jason and Michael Castro, whose hairdos deserve their own TV shows (if the cops don't find their stash of weed first.)
Host Chris Harrison starts quizzing David on whether he's been burned in the past, what he's looking for in a relationship, and what he wants out of the whole show (duh, someone he can connect with, and a recording contract, respectively). I'm yelling at my TV set because Harrison has apparently forgotten that David is not actually a woman.
Then the rest of the motley crew is brought out and introduced to David. Based on my expertise, I'm going to give you a breakdown of their chances.
- David H. instantly becomes my favorite bachelor when he says, "In the interest of full disclosure, I used to be a stripper." He better be staying. (Is that my naked manflesh bias showing?) Bachelor David scores major points for laughing it off like it's no big deal.
- Brian has just the right blend of charming and dork to make it. I'm sold.
- Justin, struggling musician with a side of diva. He's smooth, but I'm on the fence. Hopefully we'll start seeing some potential.
- Lance. He's a regular Southern gentlemen, and boy is he pretty, but I'm not convinced he's going to make it very far.
- Michael Johns. Sure deal. I'm pegging him as a finalist.
- AJ. The man needs to learn to say no to tattoos. Then again, so does David. I'm going to go with 'there's potential'.
- Jensen, possibly god's gift to straight women and gay men everywhere. He seems shy (or boring) but for that face, I think David will be willing to overlook it. Or maybe that's just me.
- Howie, a real estate tycoon. He seems sweet, but he's not right for this show. Next!
- Chikezie. Kind of laidback. Kind of boring. He's not going to last long.
- Jared. Confident without being smarmy, and a total sweetheart to boot; he just wants to "take it slow and see if there's anything there". I know he'd be my second finalist.
- Chris, a psychologist from Pennsylvania. I can't decide if he's crazy or coming on too strong. Either way, he's a barrel of laughs, which makes for good TV. He needs to stick around.
- Kevin. Full out creepy, and his bushy almost-unibrow only adds to that. There's mystery, and then there's I'm-hiding-a-cleaver-under-my-bed. When he says, "I'm looking forward to spending more time with you," David seems to be leaning towards the latter explanation.
- David "Archie" A. He's giving Jared's smile a run for its money, and he seems like a genuinely sweet kid--but therein lies the problem. Is he even legal? I don't see him staying long.
- Nick. He seems more interested in talking about himself than in David. He's a goner.
- JC. He's a good-looking fella, but discussing tea leaves and a possible entwined destiny doesn't make a good first impression. A little too heads-in-the-clouds for David's (and my) taste. He's done.
- Joey works with children in a daycare center. He seems nice, but he's not making much of an impression on anyone. He's going to get the ax.
- Michael C. You can chalk it up to hormones, I don't know, but there's just something about this guy that I like. Plus he's worth keeping around for his (pink) hair alone. David will have to figure out if he's awkward or actually arrogant.
- Jason. Seriously? I want to know where this guy gets his weed. He's a sure thing.
Once the bachelors have all been introduced, Harrison herds them outside to give David a chance to
It makes him the first to score a couple of minutes with David, during which his inability to form coherent sentences is oddly endearing ("I don't really, um, like, taking my clothes off in front of an audience is weird and stuff, I don't know."). David thinks he's "hysterical".
Michael Johns comes over and makes small talk with David for a couple of minutes, before David goes looking for Jensen (I'm surprised he waited this long). Jensen wracks up points by steering the conversation towards music, but they're interrupted by Harrison bringing out the First Impression Champagne a la Boy Meets Boy (they're doing away with roses, thank god).
Howie decides it's time to make his move, and he comes out of the pool to talk to David for a moment. Unfortunately, David seems about as interested in real estate as Howie is in toweling off (which is to say, not at all).
David H. gets a minute alone with David, then, and they seem to make a connection, especially when David asks to be shown "a move or two". (Details are fuzzy at this point, as I am mostly concentrating on the overwhelming mass of wet, naked torso appearing on my TV screen. And this show is rated PG.)
Chris somehow finds a way to join in the fray, and he pulls Jason along with him, which gets a laugh out of David. Unfortunately, Nick comes along and manages to ruin my party with his lack of appropriate dance moves (that said, he is looking pretty drunk at this point). Then AJ pulls a non-sequitur by commenting on David's tattoos, and the pair end up discussing AJ's stint in rehab, which David knows takes a lot of strength to do. He admires AJ's candidness. To break the tension, AJ cracks, "So you're saying you'll respect me in the morning?"
(If that's his way of drawing attention to the activities that would lead up to said morning, it works.)
The Castro brothers swop hairstyling pointers with David after that, before Kevin hijacks the conversation with a (creepy) smile and a glass of white wine that I'm kind of relieved David doesn't touch. They start talking about hunting (something Kevin is clearly experienced in, and David isn't) but Chikezie quickly swoops in before the conversation can turn awkward.
Then Harrison announces that it's time to give out the First Impression Champagne, and David angsts over making the decision before finally giving it to AJ.
There's applause from everyone but Creepy Kevin, and then Harrison c-blocks everyone who hasn't gotten the chance to get David alone by asking David to follow him back inside the house. David talks about his first impressions of the bachelors so far (and he's totally PC about it, boring!) and then we're shown a montage of nervous faces as David reappears outside.
Without too much fanfare (okay, there might have been some fanfare, but there was also a long row of half-naked men, which might have led to my missing it), David picks Jensen, Jason, Michael Johns, David H. (score!), Lance, Justin, AJ, Chikezie, Jared, Archie (who almost takes Joey out as he flails in shock, and provides the second highlight of the night when he says, "Oh my gosh, but I don't drink, sorry! I - I'd really like to stay, though?"), Michael C., and Chris.
That means Joey, Nick, Brian, Kevin, Howie and JC are the first six bachelors to be sent home. (Sorry, guys. I hear Making The Band is still holding tryouts.)
Those who've made it celebrate with another round of champagne (and punch), while outside, JC rambles on about how "it just wasn't in the tea leaves," which is weird, and Kevin says, "You'll never know what you missed, David," which only adds to my psycho-serial-killer theory.
If there's a freak accident in the house next week, you'll know who to blame.
So, which man do you wish we'd gotten to know better, and which man caught your eye? Am I totally off the mark? Who's going home next week, and who would you crown Homecoming Queen?
Sound off below, and stay tuned for more (hopefully naked) manflesh next week.
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*RUNS TO READ*
AND POLL STYLE, I MIGHT ADD, LIKE PAT'S BRILLIANCE, FUCK IDEK.
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LOLING SO HARD. I DON'T THINK YOU REALIZE HOW SPOT ON YOUR TV CRITIC VOICE IS, NOT THAT I AM AN EXPERT BUT IT SOUNDS PRETTY LEGIT TO ME BASED ON THE TV CRITIQUES I'VE READ. Then again, maybe you do know, 'cause you maybe read more than I do, plus you had that movie critiquing thing going on, too.
(Two words: Naked. Manflesh.)
*DIES* <33333333
(note the lack of capitalization there)
Idk, LOLOL.
The show kicks off trying to get us invested in David, an Idol contestant who was eliminated during Hollywood week in the seventh season of the show. "It was probably the hair," David jokes. Based on the clip they aired, he's probably right.
HAHAHA, aww at him being eliminated but HAHA. HA. THE HAIR. And that last sentence.
(a cleverly engineered scheme to bring out how good looking David is compared to the Average Joe, sorry guys)
ROFL FOREVEEEEER.
he was "totally bewildered" when he was called in for an interview. He was "apprehensive at first"
ANDREW COOK IS MY HERO, FOR THIS TOO NOW.
(if the cops don't find their stash of weed first.
*giggles*
I'm yelling at my TV set because Harrison has apparently forgotten that David is not actually a woman.
HAHAHAHA.
1. David H. instantly becomes my favorite bachelor when he says, "In the interest of full disclosure, I used to be a stripper." He better be staying. (Is that my naked manflesh bias showing?) Bachelor David scores major points for laughing it off like it's no big deal.
LAKJFLSKDFD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA. DAVID H. OH MY GOD.
13. David "Archie" A. He's giving Jared's smile a run for its money, and he seems like a genuinely sweet kid--but therein lies the problem. Is he even legal? I don't see him staying long.
ALKDJFALKSDF HAHAHAH IS HE EVEN LEGAL? *SMISHES BB LIKE WHOA* Rofl, I can totally see it being like SHOCKING WINNER TO THIS SEASON OF THE BACHELOR, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT. BALKSDFJSDLKFJSD FAVORITE.
17. Michael C. You can chalk it up to hormones, I don't know, but there's just something about this guy that I like. Plus he's worth keeping around for his (pink) hair alone. David will have to figure out if he's awkward or actually arrogant.
LOL Naaaaaaaaaaat. *thinks of your icon*
18. Jason. Seriously? I want to know where this guy gets his weed. He's a sure thing.
JAAAAAYSUN! <333333333
Except for Archie, who seems content to hang out by the side of the pool with a glass of punch.
ROFL FOREVER. LAKJFLSKD ALL THE OTHER GUYS ARE LIKE, QUICK LEMME SHOW OFF MY BODEH, YEAAAH *STRIKES POSE* AND ARCHIE IS ALL, PUNCH! MMMMMM! <333333333333333
his inability to form coherent sentences is oddly endearing ("I don't really, um, like, taking my clothes off in front of an audience is weird and stuff, I don't know."). David thinks he's "hysterical".
DUHHHHHHHH. <333333333333 alkdjflskfj NAT I'M SO EXCITED, GIDDY. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.
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*giggles so hard*
(they're doing away with roses, thank god).
Rofl, ALKDJFLSKD THE MELODRAMA I COULD IMAGINE WITH COOK ALL, I ONLY HAVE ONE ROSE LEFT, AND ARCHIE AND, IDK, JASON BEING ALL DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. ALKSDJFLASDK <3333333
Unfortunately, David seems about as interested in real estate as Howie is in toweling off (which is to say, not at all).
HAHAHA.
David H. gets a minute alone with David, then, and they seem to make a connection, especially when David asks to be shown "a move or two". (Details are fuzzy at this point, as I am mostly concentrating on the overwhelming mass of wet, naked torso appearing on my TV screen. And this show is rated PG.)
OMG WHY IS THIS NOT A REAL SHOW ALSDJFKSD.
To break the tension, AJ cracks, "So you're saying you'll respect me in the morning?"
LOL
(If that's his way of drawing attention to the activities that would lead up to said morning, it works.)
FUCK YES.
but Chikezie quickly swoops in
I'M SORRY BUT THE IMAGE OF CHIKEZIE SWOOPING IS KIND OF KILLING ME.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT FIRST IMPRESSION CHAMPAGNE IS BUT I THINK IT'S GOOD. SO GO AJ.
(and he's totally PC about it, boring!)
THIS IS WHEN I WOULD BE YELLING AT THE TV. C'MOOOOON DAVID, LET'S GO, THIS IS TV. NO POLITICAL CORRECTNESS PLEASE. TELL US WHAT YOU REALLY THINK *THROWS PILLOW* LIKE THAT ARCHIE KID, HUH? HE'S KINDA CUTE, RIGHT. AND WHAT ABOUT JASON HE'S A KEEPER, EVEN IF HE IS HIGH. AND MICHAEL JOHNS HAS AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT, OKAY. AND MICHAEL C, PINK HAIR PINK HAIR! AND AND JENSEN, HELLOOOOOOOOOO YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT FUCKING FACE AROUND, DON'T LIKE. AND JARED IS A CUTIE BUT HE MIGHT BE TOO TALL FOR YOU. AND AND UM, CHIKEZIE IS NICE? AND HOWIE IS BORING AND KEVIN IS WAY TO CREEPY FOR YOU HE IS GETTING KICKED ASAP, AND AJ HAS AWESOME TATTOOS AND UM NICK IS HOT BUT KINDA SELF CENTERED, DNW. DAVID HERNANDEZ IS A STRIPPER YOU KNOW YOU WANT THAT AROUND. LOOK AT HIM SWIVEL THOSE HIPS, YEAAAAAH. ARCHIE IS AWKWARDLY ADORABLE, YOU KNOW YOU WANT MORE OF THAT CUTIE. *SCREAMS AT TV* UM THAT IS ALL THE PEOPLE I CAN REMEMBER OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD SO THEREFORE THE REST OF THEM ARE JUST, NOT MEMORABLE, THEY CAN GO. UNLESS I'M FORGETTING SOMEONE IMPORTANT, THEN THEY CAN STAY.
David picks Jensen, Jason, Michael Johns, David H. (score!), Lance, Justin, AJ, Chikezie, Jared, Archie (who almost takes Joey out as he flails in shock, and provides the second highlight of the night when he says, "Oh my gosh, but I don't drink, sorry! I - I'd really like to stay, though?"), Michael C., and Chris.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH *CHEERS* ALL MY FAVORITES ARE STILL HERE, YOU GO DAVID. I AM ALREADY PERSONALLY INVESTED IN YOUR QUEST FOR HAPPINESS ON PUBLIC TELEVISION YOU BETTER NOT LET ME DOWN OR YOUR RATINGS WILL PLUMMET RAWR. *BOUNCES AROUND THE LIVING ROOM YELLING AT THE TV UNTIL MY MOM COMES AND YELLS AT ME TO BE QUIET, AM I CRAZY?* YES, I AM MOTHER, THIS IS THE BACHELOR DON'T YOU KNOW, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE CONTESTANTS LOOK LOOK, THAT ONE THERE HAS AN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT AND THAT ONE IS THE MOST ADORABLE KID EVER WHO IS PROBABLY LEGAL OTHERWISE THE NETWORK WOULDN'T HAVE ALLOWED HIM ON AND THE BACHELOR WAS ON AMERICAN IDOL! AND HE'S AWESOME, AND OH THAT CREEPER GOT KICKED- (AT THIS POINT, MOM ROLLS HER EYES AND LEAVES AND I CONTINUE TO RAMBLE AT THE WALL.)
(Sorry, guys. I hear Making The Band is still holding tryouts.)
:D :D :D
(and punch)
GUESS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
So, which man do you wish we'd gotten to know better, and which man caught your eye?
DAVID ARCHULETA (I MIGHT BE BIASED, WHAT)
Am I totally off the mark?
NO YOU ARE AWESOME ALSDKFJS.
Who's going home next week
NOT DAVID ARCHULETA.
and who would you crown Homecoming Queen?
ROFL FOREVER, UHM MICHAEL CASTRO.
FAVORIIIIIIIIIIIIITE.
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YOU KNOW THAT YOUR COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS SOME OF MY FAVOURITE, RIGHT? BECAUSE - YEAH. THEY ALWAYS ARE.