Merry Men: Episode 3
Sep. 17th, 2009 03:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amfiguree[American Idol/BSB/N'sync/Supernatural RPS] [David Archuleta/David Cook; David Cook/Several Others] [PG]
So apparently what my brain wants when I am stressed the fuck out is more Bachelor fic, whoo! ♥
Thanks for this chapter go out first to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
musicboxgirl and fallenangels607, who encouraged the production of this despite the fact that this means I am putting their charity auction fic on the backburner, and also to mrsachid and somewheresunny for their awesome date ideas! :D
Merry Men
The Bachelor Recap: Episode Three
This week, on The Bachelor, the network continues to retain my (intermittently) undivided attention with the cheap thrill of naked manflesh. The contestants do their best to rock David's world, and those who don't decide to work on their poker faces.
In what is clearly an attempt to see just how far they can go before they alienate their core audience (i.e. women with a keen interest in male parts, especially when nude), the show opens to reveal sports gear. A lot of it.
It looks like the boys are going mountain climbing, which clearly does not involve revealing any kind of skin. I only acquiesce to a temporary ceasefire with my TV set because of the brief recap of last week's naked beach manflesh they aired two minutes ago.
Jensen and Jared are in the midst of a discussion over the last elimination as they get ready to go. Jensen seems nonplussed - both at Justin's departure and the way Jared's arm slung around his shoulder dwarfs him another two inches - and Jared's happy as long as it's "not me or this guy." Apparently, the estrogen levels in this competition are trying to give The L Word a run for its money.
Next door, Jason is giving Michael Castro (his brother) what looks suspiciously like a foot-rub. My shot of tequila does not make the scene any more appropriate.
Cue Archie, who beams at the camera as he declares his love for rock climbing, even though he "totally fail[s] at it, haha". It seems prudent, now that I'm one shot down, to decide that he must have the strongest cheek muscles in the world.
Then the boys set off to meet David for their fun in the sun. In the car, David H. and Michael Johns start swapping pointers on the best way to keep their grip on the rock. Chris makes the "obligatory bad joke about feeling up the hard stuff", and AJ gamely joins in. Archie spends most of the ride the color of a tomato, and Chikezie earns cuddly, fluffy teddy bear points for trying to distract him with talk of music. It seems appropriate, seeing as they are possibly the only two contestants on the show with nothing to contribute to the topic at (or is it in?) hand.
David's already set up when they get to the location, and he exchanges a quick hi with the group before everyone else starts changing into their gear. Lance takes the opportunity to pull David aside and apologize for falling asleep on what might have potentially been his "one true shot at romance". David seems unconvinced.
I wish I could chug my second shot.
Wish fulfillment is one of my strengths, so I start on a beer when the next five minutes are spent on watching the bachelors put on their gear. Predictably, Voiceover Guy announces that the bachelor who makes it to the top of the rock in the shortest amount of time wins a date with David.
The next several minutes are spent alternating between beer and vodka, as the boys make it up the rock with no real mishap or revelation of naked manflesh. I am toying with the idea of switching the channel when Chris and Chikezie become the first two bachelors to run out of breath a quarter way to the top (their feet barely leave the ground). They decide to sit this one out.
David is apparently attracted to people on the non-winning side of the spectrum, because he ends up spending a couple of minutes making small talk with them about their families and their life goals (To which the answers are: "Honestly? I don't care what I do. I just want to be rich so I can keep food on the table for my Mama and sisters," and "I'm thinking about doing something in singing, man, just gotta find the right time to start.").
The Castro brothers are too wrapped up trying to play footsie with each other on the way up the rock to have any real bearing on the timings, and Lance makes it up in six minutes, but is disqualified for suspected tampering of his partner's (AJ's) harness. I am beginning to suspect that there is something about this show that attracts the Crazies.
The rest of the timings are unimpressive - or I am too wrapped up in my alcohol, I can't tell which at this point - and then there's a problem with Archie's harness, and he almost doesn't get to go. Fortunately for him, David insists they find him replacement gear, and Archie winds up getting to spend a good nine minutes of quality time with David as they make their way up the rock together. They share a moment when they reach the top together (composed of awkwardness and laughter, what else is new), but that is nowhere as impressive as what Jared and Jensen do next.
They seem to be the only two taking the competition seriously, (and if they are anywhere near this quick in the bedroom, David is going to be sorely disappointed) but Jensen ends up winning by a couple of seconds -- Jared is literally two seconds behind him. I suddenly realize that I am on my knees in front of my TV set yelling at Jared to pick up the pace.
Another shot seems like a good idea.
Then David and Jensen are whisked away to a secret location, complete with champagne and a hot air balloon. The conversation is stilted at first, but eventually Jensen relaxes and starts "opening up". He talks about life growing up, his failed attempt at Hollywood, and what he's looking for in a long-term relationship. David reciprocates in kind (but not in quality) with a couple of jokes. I am wincing into my beer along with Jensen, who gamely plays along.
The show spends three minutes revealing that the rest of David's repertoire of jokes are of the same standards as his first, and I only barely resist changing the channel because we cut to a commercial. When the Bachelor returns, Jensen and David are already in the limo on their way home. David has one final surprise up his sleeve, though, because he presents Jensen with another glass of champagne and tells him that "anyone who can survive that many pirate jokes without flinching has earned his right to be here, man."
Jensen clearly concurs with David's assessment, because he agrees to stay another week. They share a peck on the mouth, which David helpfully points out is the first kiss of the season. Jensen shyly acknowledges makes him feel good, because he wasn't sure they were connecting at first.
The schmoop is killing my buzz, so I start to perk up when they get back to the house and the first thing I see is naked manflesh. The other bachelors are in various states of distress (Michael Castro is down to his boxers, and I am thinking about campaigning to keep him that way for the rest of the show), and David heads inside without having to be invited, saying, "Looks like I missed the real action."
Jared's expression is priceless, but Jensen just looks amused. AJ asks David if he's interested in joining them for a couple of rounds, (like they aren't all jonesing to see the Bachelor naked), and David lets himself be cajoled into a game of strip poker.
Everyone else is in, except Archie (obviously), who is nowhere to be seen, and Michael Johns, who is mysteriously missing.
Jason says that shirts are the starting bet, which should not make sense, but does in light of the fact that he is one half of the incestuous Castro brothers.
There is a murmur of protest that's drowned by the sudden introduction of Quit Playing Games with my Heart in the background, and David H. quells what remains of it by gamely taking his tank top off. I hear myself cheering as I'm reminded all over again of why I'm watching the show. AJ and Lance follow suit. My nose is practically against the TV screen. Chikezie, Jared and Jensen take turns shedding some skin, and finally, David takes off his own shirt--
I am underwhelmed. Looks like someone didn't get the Gay American Body 101 memo. His agent needs to fix him up with the gym, pronto.
Jared is not as discriminating as I am, however, and he proceeds to ruin the first round by leaning too far right during an attempted sneak peek at David's cards and falling into David's lap. It is a mental picture that I will be falling asleep to for at least the next week.
Chris Harrison comes in midway through the third game to announce that it's time for someone to go home, and he automatically becomes my favorite reality-TV show host when he doesn't give the bachelors any time to put their clothes back on. It's like watching a telecast of Manhunt.
A spluttering Archie and a mysteriously smug Michael Johns join the rest of the bachelors in the room, and, in the name of fairness, are made to take their shirts off. Again, Archie spends the rest of the ceremony like a blushing bride, quickly taking his glass of sparkling water and a spot next to Jensen when David calls his name first. Joining him are the Castros, AJ, David H., Jared and Michael Johns, all of whom accept their champagne.
It's down to Chris, Chikezie and Lance, who does not look pleased. Chris is called up, and solemnly tells David that he's "glad to be getting a shot towards my next step to wealth". David briefly threatens to change his mind, but doesn't follow through.
He calls both Chikezie and Lance up, and begins his spiel on how he's really enjoyed his time with them both, but--
I feel myself zoning out as I reach for another shot, and when David says, "You both seem like really decent guys, and I hate to have to do this--" I officially decide to refuse to put anything David says in these ceremonies to print until someone gives him a crash course on what to say to make for riveting TV.
My (far more interesting) take: David wasn't as turned on by Chikezie's phat suit as he might have hoped, and Lance is coming on too desperate. In the end, David offers Chikezie the final champagne glass and sends Lance home, because he doesn't think he can be with someone who won't sharewhere he got such a fabulous nosejob his true self.
What did you think of this episode, readers? Are you as sick of the sports gigs as I am? Has Jensen gotten another step closer to the dream of becoming America's first Bachelor Pick? Is Lance's nose as fabulous as David thinks it is? Who's going to be eliminated next?
Sound off below, and remember to stay tuned for more in next week's episode.
So apparently what my brain wants when I am stressed the fuck out is more Bachelor fic, whoo! ♥
Thanks for this chapter go out first to
musicboxgirl and fallenangels607, who encouraged the production of this despite the fact that this means I am putting their charity auction fic on the backburner, and also to mrsachid and somewheresunny for their awesome date ideas! :DMerry Men
This week, on The Bachelor, the network continues to retain my (intermittently) undivided attention with the cheap thrill of naked manflesh. The contestants do their best to rock David's world, and those who don't decide to work on their poker faces.
In what is clearly an attempt to see just how far they can go before they alienate their core audience (i.e. women with a keen interest in male parts, especially when nude), the show opens to reveal sports gear. A lot of it.
It looks like the boys are going mountain climbing, which clearly does not involve revealing any kind of skin. I only acquiesce to a temporary ceasefire with my TV set because of the brief recap of last week's naked beach manflesh they aired two minutes ago.
Jensen and Jared are in the midst of a discussion over the last elimination as they get ready to go. Jensen seems nonplussed - both at Justin's departure and the way Jared's arm slung around his shoulder dwarfs him another two inches - and Jared's happy as long as it's "not me or this guy." Apparently, the estrogen levels in this competition are trying to give The L Word a run for its money.
Next door, Jason is giving Michael Castro (his brother) what looks suspiciously like a foot-rub. My shot of tequila does not make the scene any more appropriate.
Cue Archie, who beams at the camera as he declares his love for rock climbing, even though he "totally fail[s] at it, haha". It seems prudent, now that I'm one shot down, to decide that he must have the strongest cheek muscles in the world.
Then the boys set off to meet David for their fun in the sun. In the car, David H. and Michael Johns start swapping pointers on the best way to keep their grip on the rock. Chris makes the "obligatory bad joke about feeling up the hard stuff", and AJ gamely joins in. Archie spends most of the ride the color of a tomato, and Chikezie earns cuddly, fluffy teddy bear points for trying to distract him with talk of music. It seems appropriate, seeing as they are possibly the only two contestants on the show with nothing to contribute to the topic at (or is it in?) hand.
David's already set up when they get to the location, and he exchanges a quick hi with the group before everyone else starts changing into their gear. Lance takes the opportunity to pull David aside and apologize for falling asleep on what might have potentially been his "one true shot at romance". David seems unconvinced.
I wish I could chug my second shot.
Wish fulfillment is one of my strengths, so I start on a beer when the next five minutes are spent on watching the bachelors put on their gear. Predictably, Voiceover Guy announces that the bachelor who makes it to the top of the rock in the shortest amount of time wins a date with David.
The next several minutes are spent alternating between beer and vodka, as the boys make it up the rock with no real mishap or revelation of naked manflesh. I am toying with the idea of switching the channel when Chris and Chikezie become the first two bachelors to run out of breath a quarter way to the top (their feet barely leave the ground). They decide to sit this one out.
David is apparently attracted to people on the non-winning side of the spectrum, because he ends up spending a couple of minutes making small talk with them about their families and their life goals (To which the answers are: "Honestly? I don't care what I do. I just want to be rich so I can keep food on the table for my Mama and sisters," and "I'm thinking about doing something in singing, man, just gotta find the right time to start.").
The Castro brothers are too wrapped up trying to play footsie with each other on the way up the rock to have any real bearing on the timings, and Lance makes it up in six minutes, but is disqualified for suspected tampering of his partner's (AJ's) harness. I am beginning to suspect that there is something about this show that attracts the Crazies.
The rest of the timings are unimpressive - or I am too wrapped up in my alcohol, I can't tell which at this point - and then there's a problem with Archie's harness, and he almost doesn't get to go. Fortunately for him, David insists they find him replacement gear, and Archie winds up getting to spend a good nine minutes of quality time with David as they make their way up the rock together. They share a moment when they reach the top together (composed of awkwardness and laughter, what else is new), but that is nowhere as impressive as what Jared and Jensen do next.
They seem to be the only two taking the competition seriously, (and if they are anywhere near this quick in the bedroom, David is going to be sorely disappointed) but Jensen ends up winning by a couple of seconds -- Jared is literally two seconds behind him. I suddenly realize that I am on my knees in front of my TV set yelling at Jared to pick up the pace.
Another shot seems like a good idea.
Then David and Jensen are whisked away to a secret location, complete with champagne and a hot air balloon. The conversation is stilted at first, but eventually Jensen relaxes and starts "opening up". He talks about life growing up, his failed attempt at Hollywood, and what he's looking for in a long-term relationship. David reciprocates in kind (but not in quality) with a couple of jokes. I am wincing into my beer along with Jensen, who gamely plays along.
The show spends three minutes revealing that the rest of David's repertoire of jokes are of the same standards as his first, and I only barely resist changing the channel because we cut to a commercial. When the Bachelor returns, Jensen and David are already in the limo on their way home. David has one final surprise up his sleeve, though, because he presents Jensen with another glass of champagne and tells him that "anyone who can survive that many pirate jokes without flinching has earned his right to be here, man."
Jensen clearly concurs with David's assessment, because he agrees to stay another week. They share a peck on the mouth, which David helpfully points out is the first kiss of the season. Jensen shyly acknowledges makes him feel good, because he wasn't sure they were connecting at first.
The schmoop is killing my buzz, so I start to perk up when they get back to the house and the first thing I see is naked manflesh. The other bachelors are in various states of distress (Michael Castro is down to his boxers, and I am thinking about campaigning to keep him that way for the rest of the show), and David heads inside without having to be invited, saying, "Looks like I missed the real action."
Jared's expression is priceless, but Jensen just looks amused. AJ asks David if he's interested in joining them for a couple of rounds, (like they aren't all jonesing to see the Bachelor naked), and David lets himself be cajoled into a game of strip poker.
Everyone else is in, except Archie (obviously), who is nowhere to be seen, and Michael Johns, who is mysteriously missing.
Jason says that shirts are the starting bet, which should not make sense, but does in light of the fact that he is one half of the incestuous Castro brothers.
There is a murmur of protest that's drowned by the sudden introduction of Quit Playing Games with my Heart in the background, and David H. quells what remains of it by gamely taking his tank top off. I hear myself cheering as I'm reminded all over again of why I'm watching the show. AJ and Lance follow suit. My nose is practically against the TV screen. Chikezie, Jared and Jensen take turns shedding some skin, and finally, David takes off his own shirt--
I am underwhelmed. Looks like someone didn't get the Gay American Body 101 memo. His agent needs to fix him up with the gym, pronto.
Jared is not as discriminating as I am, however, and he proceeds to ruin the first round by leaning too far right during an attempted sneak peek at David's cards and falling into David's lap. It is a mental picture that I will be falling asleep to for at least the next week.
Chris Harrison comes in midway through the third game to announce that it's time for someone to go home, and he automatically becomes my favorite reality-TV show host when he doesn't give the bachelors any time to put their clothes back on. It's like watching a telecast of Manhunt.
A spluttering Archie and a mysteriously smug Michael Johns join the rest of the bachelors in the room, and, in the name of fairness, are made to take their shirts off. Again, Archie spends the rest of the ceremony like a blushing bride, quickly taking his glass of sparkling water and a spot next to Jensen when David calls his name first. Joining him are the Castros, AJ, David H., Jared and Michael Johns, all of whom accept their champagne.
It's down to Chris, Chikezie and Lance, who does not look pleased. Chris is called up, and solemnly tells David that he's "glad to be getting a shot towards my next step to wealth". David briefly threatens to change his mind, but doesn't follow through.
He calls both Chikezie and Lance up, and begins his spiel on how he's really enjoyed his time with them both, but--
I feel myself zoning out as I reach for another shot, and when David says, "You both seem like really decent guys, and I hate to have to do this--" I officially decide to refuse to put anything David says in these ceremonies to print until someone gives him a crash course on what to say to make for riveting TV.
My (far more interesting) take: David wasn't as turned on by Chikezie's phat suit as he might have hoped, and Lance is coming on too desperate. In the end, David offers Chikezie the final champagne glass and sends Lance home, because he doesn't think he can be with someone who won't share
What did you think of this episode, readers? Are you as sick of the sports gigs as I am? Has Jensen gotten another step closer to the dream of becoming America's first Bachelor Pick? Is Lance's nose as fabulous as David thinks it is? Who's going to be eliminated next?
Sound off below, and remember to stay tuned for more in next week's episode.
