Hurting; Healed
Oct. 14th, 2003 05:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amfiguree[N'sync] [Basez, Jola] [PG-13 for language]
Hurting
Author’s note: This is the second time I’m writing this. Ha, I wonder how many times I have to tell you that. Stupidly, I deleted the copy in my hard disk and then geocities wiped out my whole fricking page. So, now I have to do this again. Hope you enjoy!
No one can understand how hard this is. Waking up beside him like this. I can feel the warmth of his body heating mine and I can smell him. He smells of grass on a spring day, sweet fresh air on a sunny summer day, colored leaves we step on in autumn, the snowflakes that float gently to the ground in winter. He smells like… him. No cologne, no nothing. At least, not in the morning.
For now, I’m contented. His face is wrinkled from the pillowcase and his eyes are gently shut. There is a small smile on his face and I guess he’s dreaming about something interesting. He looks beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. I want to kiss him awake, smother him with love like never before until he realizes I love him more than anyone else ever could.
But I don’t. I can control myself, and I will. I must. Because he’s with Joey now. And I can’t do that to either of them. Or myself.
He’s stirring and I turn away from him quickly, acting like loving him isn’t the only thing I want in my life, like he isn’t the only one I want in my arms. “G’morning, Josh.” He drawls, and I melt. God, his voice drives me insane. It’s so low and rumbly and… I can’t even begin to describe the chill it sends down my spine.
I shift slowly again, turning to face him, to face the man I love, but can never have. “Morning,” I somehow manage to force out, pass the huge lump in my throat. “Feel better?”
I watch as his brilliant green eyes darken slightly, before he forces a smile that I see through at once. “Yeah.”
I shake my head, smiling slightly. “C’mon, Lance. I’ve known you forever. Do you think I wouldn’t know how you felt?”
Lance pushes himself up into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I just… it’s hard, Josh. We do this every night and I can’t… I can’t help it. Sometimes I feel like I’m… not enough, y’know? Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give.”
Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. Lance’s words echo in my head. That’s how I felt when… but we’re past that now.
“He’s got the world in his arms and if he can’t see it, he’s blind,” I whisper, reaching out to brush Lance’s cheek gently with my fingers, before pulling back awkwardly. Lance has his eyes closed with pain now, and I don’t think he heard me. Thank god.
I can see Lance’s Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows painfully, and I know he’s trying to hold back his tears – just as I do so many nights when I’m alone in my own bed, feeling too small to sleep by myself, feeling cold and miserable and lonely, wishing he was here with me, yet knowing he will never be. God, who am I trying to kid? He sees me as a friend, nothing more.
And… the worst part is… I had him. Once I too, held him in my arms, heard his comforting voice whisper in my ear, felt his lips crushed passionately against my own. Once, I had a chance with this gorgeous, green-eyed angel. And I blew it.
I can remember, vividly, the spark in his eyes that I thought I saw once when I walked into the room and kissed him gently on the lips in front of our brothers. They teased us and laughed, but Lance just blushed, and I thought I saw something like pride in them. But I was wrong.
It was all a lie. All a *fucking* lie.
The memory of Lance pressing me against the wall as he kissed my neck and lips… that will never die. The way it felt when he curled into my arms at night, his breath warm on my cheek, his breathing calm and even… it will be imprinted in my mind forever. But, engraved on my heart, will always be the way he whispered, ‘I love you’ in my ear. Sometimes he said it with a laugh, sometimes in a voice deeper than I thought he could go, sometimes said teasingly, sometimes meant with a heartfelt expression in his eyes. I always saw heaven in those angelic eyes.
Those are the times I will NEVER forget. Never.
But then comes the pain. The loss. The knowledge that he slipped through my fingers and I didn’t even know it. He had me on the couch that day and we were cuddling, though he seemed aloof and cold. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he refused to tell me. Refused flatly.
So we sat in silence, till I thought my ears would burst from the quiet of the room. And he finally pulled away, looked me in the eyes with more emotion than I have ever seen out of him, and cried. “I… I’m sorry, Josh… god, I’m sorry…” he choked out, and my heart froze. I was so scared, with those words, I already knew something was seriously wrong. Something was going to change.
He continued bawling and I couldn’t help myself. I took him into my arms and let him cry, let him sob and shake until he felt safe and loved. Then, finally, still quaking from his cries, he pulled away from me AGAIN and spoke softly, his eyes finding the floor. “I’m sorry, Josh.”
I watched him intently, bent on finding out the reason behind his strange behavior. “This is so unfair to you,” he breathed. And I could feel a cold knife stab my heart at his words. “I… I don’t… I don’t love you, Josh.”
Those words alone could have killed me. Literally. They slammed me in the face and I shook from the impact, my face paling as I realized what he was saying. I had given him my everything, and he was throwing it in my face… I couldn’t understand it. But the next thing he said ruled out all need for explanation.
“I… I never loved you.”
I think I fainted then, but I’m not sure, because everything seems to become hazy after that. Like nothing was worth remembering anymore. There was no colour in my life, no bounce in my step, no nothing. His echoing words played consistently in my head, ‘I never loved you’, ‘I don’t love you, Josh’, ‘I love Joey’, ‘I’m in love with Joey’, ‘I need him’, ‘It’s not fair to you’, ‘we have to end this’…
It rolled in my head like a big ball of fuzziness. I’m not sure when it started or ended. Everything was just unbelievably unclear. And up till now, I’m not sure where, how, what, when or why any of this happened. I don’t know where I screwed up, I don’t know why Lance left me. I have no *fucking* clue.
Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. Again, his damn words play in my mind. That’s exactly how I felt. That’s how I feel still.
“Josh?” he’s looking at me with those soulful green eyes again. And I can’t take it. I just can’t help him through this anymore. Him getting together with Joey, Joey finally accepting him, their first make-out session… I remember the exhilaration I saw in his eyes when Joey uttered those three words he had so often whispered to me, that I didn’t know how much truth they held anymore, that I didn’t know if he had ever meant when he whispered them to me – “I love you.”
It’s so clear, their first fight. It was the first time Lance had come to me voluntarily ever since our break up about five months before. He had knocked on the door and hurtled himself at me as soon as I had opened it. I had carried him to my bed and lay him down gently, not knowing what to do. I watched him sob, till finally, exhausted and drained, he closed his eyes. And that’s when I found out what had actually happened – they had finally had their first fight.
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “Lance… it’ll be okay,” I reassure him, seeing that he is drinking in my every word as though it is his lifeline. And I treasure that now. I treasure whatever small part of him I have – his friendship, his trust… anything. Everything.
“Joey loves you.” I almost stumble over my own words, surprising myself. I’ve said that to him so many times, comforted him over and over, with these words that I’m stunned that they can still send that stab of pain in my gut, the hurt as fresh as before.
“I know.” Lance sounds hollow now, as though the words hold no more meaning. How can Joey just let him go like that? I would NEVER let him go without letting him know that I love him. I would never allow a fight to end with Lance or me ending up in another bandmate’s room. Never.
I guess Joey and I are different.
“Josh, I just… he… we’re so different.”
I know that. I know. Because Lance and I… we’re the sane ones in the group. The boring ones. The ones that always hang together. And Joey could never be like that. He just isn’t.
But when I see the tears sparkling in Lance’s eyes… I can’t do it anymore. With a choked sob that I don’t realize escapes my throat, I run into the toilet and slam the door shut, turning and leaning against it as I slide down along it to the floor. I feel tears running down my cheeks, but I don’t brush them away. Why should I? There’s no reason to do anything in my life anymore. Lance isn’t there to pull me through, help me out… why should I even care?
“Why Lance?” I choke out, still gasping for air, because my lungs suddenly feel constricted as I cry. “Why me? Why did you make me believe you loved me? Why did you LIE to me? Why?”
I bury my head in my hands and keep my hands on my knees. I curl up into a small ball and let my emotions out till my tears start to run dry. I feel all my love and hatred bubble up inside my chest, as though there is a heavy weight there. I can’t help it. I feel so choked up, I need someone with me, but no one is here. And it’s so hard to be there for Lance all the time, when I’m on the verge of cracking myself.
It is then that I hear a soft knocking on the door. Instinctively, I just know it’s Lance. I get up then, quickly, and wash my face, hoping against hope that Lance doesn’t notice how red-rimmed or watery they are.
I open the door, forcing a smile. Joey is there. Lance’s boyfriend. It hurts so fucking much just to THINK that. “You okay?” Lance asks, concern etched on his handsome face.
I nod, unable to reply. I turn away, then, because the confusion on his face is more than I can stand.
“Josh…” the hurt that I expect to hear in his voice is present and despite myself, I turn to face him again.
“I’m okay, really,” I insist, smiling. “I just… I’m tired, is all.”
“Okay,” Lance grins back at me. “The last few days have been pretty… hectic. I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you thanks before I headed back to my room with Joey so… thanks.”
Lance pulls me into a hug then, and I have never felt as happy, as contented, in my life. To feel his solid warmth around me, I’ve been dreaming of this moment for months now. I think I linger a moment too long in his arms, stay a second longer than necessary in his embrace, because Joey shoots me a death glare. But I ignore it. Lance is going back to him now; can I not take one last comfort from my love’s arms before that?
As soon as Lance is out of the room, I climb into bed. It’s warm and still smells of Lance’s cologne. But then I smell something new… something different. And with a pang of jealousy and hurt, I realize it’s Joey.
I fall asleep with my tears staining my pillow, as a trademark marking my loneliness, my hurt, my pain, my love.
Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give.
He’s in the room again. I can feel it. There, he’s climbing into my bed.
I open my eyes a little, trying to keep awake, knowing that I might make him uncomfortable if I don’t. Fighting my attraction from Lance was never easy to begin with, and now that he’s here, with me… but god, I want him so fucking much.
He stares at me unwaveringly for a few minutes before whispering, “I know you’re not over me, Josh.”
I pale. My heart has stopped beating. “Lance, I can’t… let’s not… Lance, please.”
God, just that line and he’s lost.
I can see him crumble before my eyes. His powerful, strong exterior crashing around him and revealing the man inside. I never knew I still had this effect on him – not until Joey subtly pointed it out, screaming to the world that my ex still had a ‘thing’ for me.
I suppose he’s not as blind or stupid as we make him out to be.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, backing out of the bed. I open my eyes then, and finally allow myself to see. Really see. See the damage I’ve done to this fragile man, who’s only mistake was to fall in love with someone as undeserving as me. See the dark eye bags under his eyes, the frown lines creasing his forehead, the pain tearing up his heart and the life faded from those beautiful blue eyes. See him shaking from the pain and hurt that I’ve caused, the hurt that I’ve planted in his heart.
“I’m so sorry.” I whisper again. “I… I didn’t know.”
As I walk out the door, I murmur, “I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry I turned you into this. I’m sorry you love me. I’m sorry I used you. I’m so sorry for everything.” Before I shut the door, I said, my voice barely above a whisper, “I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you love me.”
And it was a moment before he whispered back, “I’m sorry you can’t too.”
As I shut the door, I slump down against it, and the consequences of my selfish actions play in my mind. JC’s gaunt, dead look… it flashes in my mind as soon as I blink. “God, I’m such a selfish bastard.”
I sink back down onto the bed, my emotions swirling, blurring, blending, till they become one big ball of hysteria. His words echo in my head, his apologies, his stunned look…
Come to think of it, it’s my fault. I knew all along that he was only using me, that he was playing me. I could have stopped him, but I chose not to. Because I stupidly thought that one day, he would fall in love with me. Kinda like the way he thought he would. But he didn’t. And he’s still gone. I guess I thought I could give him what he was looking for, but I didn’t have enough. Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. And now I’m so fucking broken.
I shouldn’t have let him play me. I shouldn’t have let him use me the way he did. I shouldn’t have believed his lies. I should have seen right through him. I shouldn’t have been so blind. I shouldn’t have let him go.
I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him.
It still hurts.
TBC
[N'sync] [Basez] [G]
Healed
Author’s Note: This is the sequel to my angsty piece – Hurting. It’s in three different point of views. I guess it can stand pretty well on its own, but I’m not sure. Although, it would be better if you read the Hurting first. It’ll give you a clearer view on who I’m talking about. I won’t tell whose POV I’m writing from, but it should be pretty obvious, even if you didn’t read Hurting. Although, I was a little reluctant to post this up, cos my sister said that it spoilt the whole angsty effect in Hurting. *Sigh* I need encouragement. So if you felt this was good, TELL me. PLEASE. If you didn’t, tell me all the same. Then next time I’ll know when to stop.
But this is strange, isn’t it? I promised myself that I wouldn’t write any sequel to any sad story that I wrote. At all. I told myself to leave it where it ends. BUT. Ah well, who can resist temptation? Besides, this story idea was just too cute to ignore. I’d like to thank Michael Schumacher for inspiring me with his incredible race today – 25th May 2002. You may not have won, but it was a wonderful race. And I would also like to commend your amazing sportsmanship. *salute*
I’ve learnt something about love – it’s like a war. You have to FIGHT and pray that you’ll win. One of the most important tactics in this war is to make sure that you never, NEVER underestimate your enemies. NEVER think that they are beneath you, or that you are so far ahead in the race that they’re goners. Because they’ll catch up. Sooner or later. Like they say, pride comes before a fall.
Boy, did I fall.
I learnt that a little too late, though.
I never thought that JC would be able to get Lance back – he never even tried – but he has. He’s gotten the beautiful man back into his arms. Maybe that’s what I need to learn – something called sacrifice.
JC gave up everything for Lance. I used to watch them, when they were together, and I could tell that JC was giving 150% of himself; he was giving everything he had and more into that relationship. But I also could tell that Lance was giving only about 50 to 60% of what he could have given.
So I never understood how Lance could have left JC like that, how he could have just given up a love so strong, so powerful, that it overshadowed all else, or how he could have just up and left the man who loved him more than life itself. I guess I won’t have to try now.
JC’s always been there for him like a silent pillar of support. Whenever we quarreled, JC would always be there for Lance. I knew. And I let them be. Because I also knew that JC would keep his distance – I could tell from his eyes that he would never do anything that would jeopardize Lance’s happiness – even if it meant giving up his own. Like I said, he loved Lance more than life itself. He would have given the world for Lance, and I knew it.
You know what else JC sacrificed? He sacrificed his pride. He would come to me each and every night Lance and I quarreled, after Lance had fallen asleep in his room, and make me see what a jerk I had been. THAT was the only reason I could bring myself to reconcile with Lance every morning. I love him, yes, but sometimes I’m blind to my faults. To my wrongs. JC helped me with that.
So I continued to watch as JC practically killed himself with his love for Lance, his altruism. But I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that through his quiet actions – which never held any more meaning than brotherhood – he would be able to win Lance’s heart. MY Lance’s heart.
But he has.
And I don’t think I can be as selfless as he was. I don’t think I can stop myself from jumping Lance if he comes crying to me in the dead middle of the night, when I’m fast asleep and grumpy as hell. I don’t think I can hold him and comfort him without doing something to him when he needs my support. I don’t even think I can wish them happiness right now because the pain of Lance leaving me is still too much, too raw for me. Although, that’s what JC did the first day Lance and I announced that we were together – wished us happiness and that all our dreams would come true. I don’t think I can be as self-sacrificing as JC was.
I don’t think I’ll need to be.
Because JC will NEVER treat Lance the way I treated Lance. Never.
I don’t know if Joe’s still mad at me for leaving him. I think he is. I hope he isn’t. It’s just that… well, Josh is so much more loving, so much more caring. I don’t know why or how I could have brought myself to leave him at all. I know I hurt him, deeply, when I left him. And I hurt him even more when I came running to him after my fights with Joey, which were so frequent.
I don’t know how Josh could have been so tolerant, so understanding through it all. He just stood at a corner and waited for me. I just didn’t see it. How could I have been so blind? It’s a question I ask myself repeatedly everyday. How could I have stood making Josh go through so much pain? How could I have stood making Josh so miserable?
I was so blind. He was getting thinner and more withdrawn each and every day. He hid it well, yes, but I could see past the façade. I honestly could. But I didn’t do anything about it. I refused to believe that it was something I had caused. But later on, that night, when Joey and I had fought very badly, and I had gone running to Josh, and told him that I knew he still wasn’t over me, and saw the love burning in his eyes before all the light in those azure crystals faded out, I realized I couldn’t deny it any longer.
It was true. I HAD caused the misery Josh was going through. I went to room with Chris then, who was as patient as Josh had been, and he helped me work things through. He too, had noticed the change in Josh. And he was determined to make things work out between us. He said that he had known how much Josh loved me ever since the start. Chris said he didn’t know how I couldn’t have seen it when it was so obvious to the rest of the world.
Then he told me what he saw in Joey – the man I supposedly loved. He said he saw a grim future. He said he thought that Joey would play me, just like every other person he’s been with before. I didn’t want to believe it, but I had always held that spark of doubt. And now Chris was only confirming it.
The next few weeks were hell. Josh wouldn’t look at me, talk to me, or even sing with me, voluntarily. I began to realize just how much I missed him, NEEDED him. I become conscious of how much the little touches we exchanged meant to me. And Joey slowly faded out of my mind, my heart.
I remember the nervousness I saw in Josh’s eyes the night I went to his room to apologize, to start things anew. I hadn’t meant for anything to come out of it. But when Josh had broken down sobbing after my sincere confession, everything fell into place. My heart literally ached for him, as I watched those tears of pain fall from his clear blue eyes. “I’m sorry, Josh,” I murmured then, wiping his tears gently with my thumbs. “I’m so sorry.”
He shied away from my touch as though I had burnt him, and I saw a look of fear cross his handsome features. God, he’s so beautiful. “Don’t,” he begged me. “Please Lance. Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t touch me,” he whispered. And my heart broke at the fear, the anguish, the pain in his voice. “I can’t handle it. I can’t take knowing that you won’t ever be mine. Not after all this.” He looked away from me then, taking a step away from me, as my heart twisted at the sight of the vulnerable creature he actually was. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, Josh,” I told him, taking a step closer and reaching to touch him, pulling back when another expression of panic crossed his face. “I… I’m sorry.”
He shook his head, lowering his eyes to the floor. “No. Don’t be. You shouldn’t be. You have the world’s most wonderful man to return to every night. Don’t be sorry.”
“Josh.” I mumbled, tears filling my eyes. I took him in my arms then, and he cracked. His shoulders shook with tears, and yet he still stood stiffly in my embrace, not wanting to allow his emotion to take over, lest he might do something I would regret later on.
It was then that I realized the power of love. Josh loved me so much that he ached for me, and yet, for my happiness, he sacrificed his own, unwilling to make any mistake on his part that might cost my bliss. I have truly never understood the meaning of love.
Not until I found Josh.
I’m just thankful he accepted me back into his life, his heart, with open arms.
I can’t explain this, really. It’s all so fast… so complicated, yet simple. I frankly never believed that all my small actions would win Lance’s affection, Lance’s heart. I never thought that he would come back to me.
But he has.
God, I’m just so grateful for that.
That night he came back to me… it was the best night of my life. When he took me into his arms, and apologized. I wanted to put my arms around him and cry, just let him hold me and tell me everything was all right. But I didn’t. I was just so afraid of being burnt again, I didn’t dare. I had no idea what he was trying to do. I thought it was just another one of those ‘brother’ things. I thought he was just trying to cheer me up.
I’m so glad I was wrong.
“Josh, I… I love you.” Lance whispered in my ear, his arms tightening around my waist. My tears stopped for a second, before I sighed.
“I love you too.” I replied softly, thinking the phrase meant more to me than Lance would ever feel, COULD ever feel.
“No, Josh,” Lance shook his head, letting a soft laugh escape his lips. “I mean, I’m IN love with you.”
Everything after that seems to be in a blur. Joey screaming at Lance to ‘get the hell out of the hotel room’, Chris smiling at us like a proud older brother, Justin rolling his eyes at Joey’s childishness, Lance’s passionate kisses… God, I’ve missed him so much.
I’ve missed the feel of his skin against mine, the feel of his lips pressed on mine, the shivers he sends down my spine just by whispering my name… god, I’ve missed all of that.
But now, the part that was missing… it’s filled.
Because Lance LOVES me now.
I still can’t bring myself to believe that. That Lance actually LOVES me. He’s not with me to spite Joey, or play me, or anything like that. This time… this time it’s real.
And all the hurt, the pain, the loss that I’ve gone through… it’s gone.
Lance is back by my side, where he belongs.
And that’s really all that matters. He’s my cure. I’ve healed.
JC looked up at his boyfriend of two months entered the hotel room, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Hey baby,” JC smiled, rising to greet the blond.
“Hey.”
“Tired?”
Lance chuckled, before letting out a yawn, “Nope, I’m just roaring with energy Josh. Don’t you see the sign on my face that screams, ‘let me sleep’?”
JC laughed despite himself. “C’mon,” he murmured, crushing Lance’s lips against his own before pulling the green-eyed youngster toward the bed. “Sleeping time for the exhausted.”
Lance nodded, uncharacteristically obedient. He climbed into bed and allowed JC to strip him down to his boxers before letting out another huge yawn. JC glanced at the digital clock beside their bed. “One twenty,” he commented, getting into bed himself, “No wonder you’re tired.”
“You’re one to be talking,” Lance sighed, closing his weary eyes. “I’ve yet to ask what you’re doing up this late, Mr. Sleepy.”
“I was just thinking,” JC replied, letting the nickname drop.
“About what, babe?”
“You. Joe. Us.”
Lance’s eyes shot open and he shifted so he was staring directly into JC’s cobalt eyes. “I. Love. YOU.”
“I know.”
“Then don’t think about that anymore. I can’t help being stupid once in a while.”
JC laughed. “Once in a while?” His laughter was muffled as a soft pillow was dumped on his head.
“Shut up.”
JC pushed the pillow off of his head, and leaned over to drop a light kiss on Lance’s nose. “We can’t all be perfect, darlin’.”
Lance sighed, muttering something about ‘corny, sappy boyfriends’.
“But you’re perfect in my eyes anyway,” Lance grinned at JC’s cheesiness. “And that’s all that matters.”
-fin-
Hurting
Author’s note: This is the second time I’m writing this. Ha, I wonder how many times I have to tell you that. Stupidly, I deleted the copy in my hard disk and then geocities wiped out my whole fricking page. So, now I have to do this again. Hope you enjoy!
No one can understand how hard this is. Waking up beside him like this. I can feel the warmth of his body heating mine and I can smell him. He smells of grass on a spring day, sweet fresh air on a sunny summer day, colored leaves we step on in autumn, the snowflakes that float gently to the ground in winter. He smells like… him. No cologne, no nothing. At least, not in the morning.
For now, I’m contented. His face is wrinkled from the pillowcase and his eyes are gently shut. There is a small smile on his face and I guess he’s dreaming about something interesting. He looks beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. I want to kiss him awake, smother him with love like never before until he realizes I love him more than anyone else ever could.
But I don’t. I can control myself, and I will. I must. Because he’s with Joey now. And I can’t do that to either of them. Or myself.
He’s stirring and I turn away from him quickly, acting like loving him isn’t the only thing I want in my life, like he isn’t the only one I want in my arms. “G’morning, Josh.” He drawls, and I melt. God, his voice drives me insane. It’s so low and rumbly and… I can’t even begin to describe the chill it sends down my spine.
I shift slowly again, turning to face him, to face the man I love, but can never have. “Morning,” I somehow manage to force out, pass the huge lump in my throat. “Feel better?”
I watch as his brilliant green eyes darken slightly, before he forces a smile that I see through at once. “Yeah.”
I shake my head, smiling slightly. “C’mon, Lance. I’ve known you forever. Do you think I wouldn’t know how you felt?”
Lance pushes himself up into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I just… it’s hard, Josh. We do this every night and I can’t… I can’t help it. Sometimes I feel like I’m… not enough, y’know? Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give.”
Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. Lance’s words echo in my head. That’s how I felt when… but we’re past that now.
“He’s got the world in his arms and if he can’t see it, he’s blind,” I whisper, reaching out to brush Lance’s cheek gently with my fingers, before pulling back awkwardly. Lance has his eyes closed with pain now, and I don’t think he heard me. Thank god.
I can see Lance’s Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallows painfully, and I know he’s trying to hold back his tears – just as I do so many nights when I’m alone in my own bed, feeling too small to sleep by myself, feeling cold and miserable and lonely, wishing he was here with me, yet knowing he will never be. God, who am I trying to kid? He sees me as a friend, nothing more.
And… the worst part is… I had him. Once I too, held him in my arms, heard his comforting voice whisper in my ear, felt his lips crushed passionately against my own. Once, I had a chance with this gorgeous, green-eyed angel. And I blew it.
I can remember, vividly, the spark in his eyes that I thought I saw once when I walked into the room and kissed him gently on the lips in front of our brothers. They teased us and laughed, but Lance just blushed, and I thought I saw something like pride in them. But I was wrong.
It was all a lie. All a *fucking* lie.
The memory of Lance pressing me against the wall as he kissed my neck and lips… that will never die. The way it felt when he curled into my arms at night, his breath warm on my cheek, his breathing calm and even… it will be imprinted in my mind forever. But, engraved on my heart, will always be the way he whispered, ‘I love you’ in my ear. Sometimes he said it with a laugh, sometimes in a voice deeper than I thought he could go, sometimes said teasingly, sometimes meant with a heartfelt expression in his eyes. I always saw heaven in those angelic eyes.
Those are the times I will NEVER forget. Never.
But then comes the pain. The loss. The knowledge that he slipped through my fingers and I didn’t even know it. He had me on the couch that day and we were cuddling, though he seemed aloof and cold. I tried to ask him what was wrong, but he refused to tell me. Refused flatly.
So we sat in silence, till I thought my ears would burst from the quiet of the room. And he finally pulled away, looked me in the eyes with more emotion than I have ever seen out of him, and cried. “I… I’m sorry, Josh… god, I’m sorry…” he choked out, and my heart froze. I was so scared, with those words, I already knew something was seriously wrong. Something was going to change.
He continued bawling and I couldn’t help myself. I took him into my arms and let him cry, let him sob and shake until he felt safe and loved. Then, finally, still quaking from his cries, he pulled away from me AGAIN and spoke softly, his eyes finding the floor. “I’m sorry, Josh.”
I watched him intently, bent on finding out the reason behind his strange behavior. “This is so unfair to you,” he breathed. And I could feel a cold knife stab my heart at his words. “I… I don’t… I don’t love you, Josh.”
Those words alone could have killed me. Literally. They slammed me in the face and I shook from the impact, my face paling as I realized what he was saying. I had given him my everything, and he was throwing it in my face… I couldn’t understand it. But the next thing he said ruled out all need for explanation.
“I… I never loved you.”
I think I fainted then, but I’m not sure, because everything seems to become hazy after that. Like nothing was worth remembering anymore. There was no colour in my life, no bounce in my step, no nothing. His echoing words played consistently in my head, ‘I never loved you’, ‘I don’t love you, Josh’, ‘I love Joey’, ‘I’m in love with Joey’, ‘I need him’, ‘It’s not fair to you’, ‘we have to end this’…
It rolled in my head like a big ball of fuzziness. I’m not sure when it started or ended. Everything was just unbelievably unclear. And up till now, I’m not sure where, how, what, when or why any of this happened. I don’t know where I screwed up, I don’t know why Lance left me. I have no *fucking* clue.
Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. Again, his damn words play in my mind. That’s exactly how I felt. That’s how I feel still.
“Josh?” he’s looking at me with those soulful green eyes again. And I can’t take it. I just can’t help him through this anymore. Him getting together with Joey, Joey finally accepting him, their first make-out session… I remember the exhilaration I saw in his eyes when Joey uttered those three words he had so often whispered to me, that I didn’t know how much truth they held anymore, that I didn’t know if he had ever meant when he whispered them to me – “I love you.”
It’s so clear, their first fight. It was the first time Lance had come to me voluntarily ever since our break up about five months before. He had knocked on the door and hurtled himself at me as soon as I had opened it. I had carried him to my bed and lay him down gently, not knowing what to do. I watched him sob, till finally, exhausted and drained, he closed his eyes. And that’s when I found out what had actually happened – they had finally had their first fight.
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “Lance… it’ll be okay,” I reassure him, seeing that he is drinking in my every word as though it is his lifeline. And I treasure that now. I treasure whatever small part of him I have – his friendship, his trust… anything. Everything.
“Joey loves you.” I almost stumble over my own words, surprising myself. I’ve said that to him so many times, comforted him over and over, with these words that I’m stunned that they can still send that stab of pain in my gut, the hurt as fresh as before.
“I know.” Lance sounds hollow now, as though the words hold no more meaning. How can Joey just let him go like that? I would NEVER let him go without letting him know that I love him. I would never allow a fight to end with Lance or me ending up in another bandmate’s room. Never.
I guess Joey and I are different.
“Josh, I just… he… we’re so different.”
I know that. I know. Because Lance and I… we’re the sane ones in the group. The boring ones. The ones that always hang together. And Joey could never be like that. He just isn’t.
But when I see the tears sparkling in Lance’s eyes… I can’t do it anymore. With a choked sob that I don’t realize escapes my throat, I run into the toilet and slam the door shut, turning and leaning against it as I slide down along it to the floor. I feel tears running down my cheeks, but I don’t brush them away. Why should I? There’s no reason to do anything in my life anymore. Lance isn’t there to pull me through, help me out… why should I even care?
“Why Lance?” I choke out, still gasping for air, because my lungs suddenly feel constricted as I cry. “Why me? Why did you make me believe you loved me? Why did you LIE to me? Why?”
I bury my head in my hands and keep my hands on my knees. I curl up into a small ball and let my emotions out till my tears start to run dry. I feel all my love and hatred bubble up inside my chest, as though there is a heavy weight there. I can’t help it. I feel so choked up, I need someone with me, but no one is here. And it’s so hard to be there for Lance all the time, when I’m on the verge of cracking myself.
It is then that I hear a soft knocking on the door. Instinctively, I just know it’s Lance. I get up then, quickly, and wash my face, hoping against hope that Lance doesn’t notice how red-rimmed or watery they are.
I open the door, forcing a smile. Joey is there. Lance’s boyfriend. It hurts so fucking much just to THINK that. “You okay?” Lance asks, concern etched on his handsome face.
I nod, unable to reply. I turn away, then, because the confusion on his face is more than I can stand.
“Josh…” the hurt that I expect to hear in his voice is present and despite myself, I turn to face him again.
“I’m okay, really,” I insist, smiling. “I just… I’m tired, is all.”
“Okay,” Lance grins back at me. “The last few days have been pretty… hectic. I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell you thanks before I headed back to my room with Joey so… thanks.”
Lance pulls me into a hug then, and I have never felt as happy, as contented, in my life. To feel his solid warmth around me, I’ve been dreaming of this moment for months now. I think I linger a moment too long in his arms, stay a second longer than necessary in his embrace, because Joey shoots me a death glare. But I ignore it. Lance is going back to him now; can I not take one last comfort from my love’s arms before that?
As soon as Lance is out of the room, I climb into bed. It’s warm and still smells of Lance’s cologne. But then I smell something new… something different. And with a pang of jealousy and hurt, I realize it’s Joey.
I fall asleep with my tears staining my pillow, as a trademark marking my loneliness, my hurt, my pain, my love.
Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give.
He’s in the room again. I can feel it. There, he’s climbing into my bed.
I open my eyes a little, trying to keep awake, knowing that I might make him uncomfortable if I don’t. Fighting my attraction from Lance was never easy to begin with, and now that he’s here, with me… but god, I want him so fucking much.
He stares at me unwaveringly for a few minutes before whispering, “I know you’re not over me, Josh.”
I pale. My heart has stopped beating. “Lance, I can’t… let’s not… Lance, please.”
God, just that line and he’s lost.
I can see him crumble before my eyes. His powerful, strong exterior crashing around him and revealing the man inside. I never knew I still had this effect on him – not until Joey subtly pointed it out, screaming to the world that my ex still had a ‘thing’ for me.
I suppose he’s not as blind or stupid as we make him out to be.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, backing out of the bed. I open my eyes then, and finally allow myself to see. Really see. See the damage I’ve done to this fragile man, who’s only mistake was to fall in love with someone as undeserving as me. See the dark eye bags under his eyes, the frown lines creasing his forehead, the pain tearing up his heart and the life faded from those beautiful blue eyes. See him shaking from the pain and hurt that I’ve caused, the hurt that I’ve planted in his heart.
“I’m so sorry.” I whisper again. “I… I didn’t know.”
As I walk out the door, I murmur, “I’m sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry I turned you into this. I’m sorry you love me. I’m sorry I used you. I’m so sorry for everything.” Before I shut the door, I said, my voice barely above a whisper, “I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you love me.”
And it was a moment before he whispered back, “I’m sorry you can’t too.”
As I shut the door, I slump down against it, and the consequences of my selfish actions play in my mind. JC’s gaunt, dead look… it flashes in my mind as soon as I blink. “God, I’m such a selfish bastard.”
I sink back down onto the bed, my emotions swirling, blurring, blending, till they become one big ball of hysteria. His words echo in my head, his apologies, his stunned look…
Come to think of it, it’s my fault. I knew all along that he was only using me, that he was playing me. I could have stopped him, but I chose not to. Because I stupidly thought that one day, he would fall in love with me. Kinda like the way he thought he would. But he didn’t. And he’s still gone. I guess I thought I could give him what he was looking for, but I didn’t have enough. Like I need to give more but I don’t have anything left to give. And now I’m so fucking broken.
I shouldn’t have let him play me. I shouldn’t have let him use me the way he did. I shouldn’t have believed his lies. I should have seen right through him. I shouldn’t have been so blind. I shouldn’t have let him go.
I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him.
It still hurts.
TBC
[N'sync] [Basez] [G]
Healed
Author’s Note: This is the sequel to my angsty piece – Hurting. It’s in three different point of views. I guess it can stand pretty well on its own, but I’m not sure. Although, it would be better if you read the Hurting first. It’ll give you a clearer view on who I’m talking about. I won’t tell whose POV I’m writing from, but it should be pretty obvious, even if you didn’t read Hurting. Although, I was a little reluctant to post this up, cos my sister said that it spoilt the whole angsty effect in Hurting. *Sigh* I need encouragement. So if you felt this was good, TELL me. PLEASE. If you didn’t, tell me all the same. Then next time I’ll know when to stop.
But this is strange, isn’t it? I promised myself that I wouldn’t write any sequel to any sad story that I wrote. At all. I told myself to leave it where it ends. BUT. Ah well, who can resist temptation? Besides, this story idea was just too cute to ignore. I’d like to thank Michael Schumacher for inspiring me with his incredible race today – 25th May 2002. You may not have won, but it was a wonderful race. And I would also like to commend your amazing sportsmanship. *salute*
I’ve learnt something about love – it’s like a war. You have to FIGHT and pray that you’ll win. One of the most important tactics in this war is to make sure that you never, NEVER underestimate your enemies. NEVER think that they are beneath you, or that you are so far ahead in the race that they’re goners. Because they’ll catch up. Sooner or later. Like they say, pride comes before a fall.
Boy, did I fall.
I learnt that a little too late, though.
I never thought that JC would be able to get Lance back – he never even tried – but he has. He’s gotten the beautiful man back into his arms. Maybe that’s what I need to learn – something called sacrifice.
JC gave up everything for Lance. I used to watch them, when they were together, and I could tell that JC was giving 150% of himself; he was giving everything he had and more into that relationship. But I also could tell that Lance was giving only about 50 to 60% of what he could have given.
So I never understood how Lance could have left JC like that, how he could have just given up a love so strong, so powerful, that it overshadowed all else, or how he could have just up and left the man who loved him more than life itself. I guess I won’t have to try now.
JC’s always been there for him like a silent pillar of support. Whenever we quarreled, JC would always be there for Lance. I knew. And I let them be. Because I also knew that JC would keep his distance – I could tell from his eyes that he would never do anything that would jeopardize Lance’s happiness – even if it meant giving up his own. Like I said, he loved Lance more than life itself. He would have given the world for Lance, and I knew it.
You know what else JC sacrificed? He sacrificed his pride. He would come to me each and every night Lance and I quarreled, after Lance had fallen asleep in his room, and make me see what a jerk I had been. THAT was the only reason I could bring myself to reconcile with Lance every morning. I love him, yes, but sometimes I’m blind to my faults. To my wrongs. JC helped me with that.
So I continued to watch as JC practically killed himself with his love for Lance, his altruism. But I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that through his quiet actions – which never held any more meaning than brotherhood – he would be able to win Lance’s heart. MY Lance’s heart.
But he has.
And I don’t think I can be as selfless as he was. I don’t think I can stop myself from jumping Lance if he comes crying to me in the dead middle of the night, when I’m fast asleep and grumpy as hell. I don’t think I can hold him and comfort him without doing something to him when he needs my support. I don’t even think I can wish them happiness right now because the pain of Lance leaving me is still too much, too raw for me. Although, that’s what JC did the first day Lance and I announced that we were together – wished us happiness and that all our dreams would come true. I don’t think I can be as self-sacrificing as JC was.
I don’t think I’ll need to be.
Because JC will NEVER treat Lance the way I treated Lance. Never.
I don’t know if Joe’s still mad at me for leaving him. I think he is. I hope he isn’t. It’s just that… well, Josh is so much more loving, so much more caring. I don’t know why or how I could have brought myself to leave him at all. I know I hurt him, deeply, when I left him. And I hurt him even more when I came running to him after my fights with Joey, which were so frequent.
I don’t know how Josh could have been so tolerant, so understanding through it all. He just stood at a corner and waited for me. I just didn’t see it. How could I have been so blind? It’s a question I ask myself repeatedly everyday. How could I have stood making Josh go through so much pain? How could I have stood making Josh so miserable?
I was so blind. He was getting thinner and more withdrawn each and every day. He hid it well, yes, but I could see past the façade. I honestly could. But I didn’t do anything about it. I refused to believe that it was something I had caused. But later on, that night, when Joey and I had fought very badly, and I had gone running to Josh, and told him that I knew he still wasn’t over me, and saw the love burning in his eyes before all the light in those azure crystals faded out, I realized I couldn’t deny it any longer.
It was true. I HAD caused the misery Josh was going through. I went to room with Chris then, who was as patient as Josh had been, and he helped me work things through. He too, had noticed the change in Josh. And he was determined to make things work out between us. He said that he had known how much Josh loved me ever since the start. Chris said he didn’t know how I couldn’t have seen it when it was so obvious to the rest of the world.
Then he told me what he saw in Joey – the man I supposedly loved. He said he saw a grim future. He said he thought that Joey would play me, just like every other person he’s been with before. I didn’t want to believe it, but I had always held that spark of doubt. And now Chris was only confirming it.
The next few weeks were hell. Josh wouldn’t look at me, talk to me, or even sing with me, voluntarily. I began to realize just how much I missed him, NEEDED him. I become conscious of how much the little touches we exchanged meant to me. And Joey slowly faded out of my mind, my heart.
I remember the nervousness I saw in Josh’s eyes the night I went to his room to apologize, to start things anew. I hadn’t meant for anything to come out of it. But when Josh had broken down sobbing after my sincere confession, everything fell into place. My heart literally ached for him, as I watched those tears of pain fall from his clear blue eyes. “I’m sorry, Josh,” I murmured then, wiping his tears gently with my thumbs. “I’m so sorry.”
He shied away from my touch as though I had burnt him, and I saw a look of fear cross his handsome features. God, he’s so beautiful. “Don’t,” he begged me. “Please Lance. Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t touch me,” he whispered. And my heart broke at the fear, the anguish, the pain in his voice. “I can’t handle it. I can’t take knowing that you won’t ever be mine. Not after all this.” He looked away from me then, taking a step away from me, as my heart twisted at the sight of the vulnerable creature he actually was. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, Josh,” I told him, taking a step closer and reaching to touch him, pulling back when another expression of panic crossed his face. “I… I’m sorry.”
He shook his head, lowering his eyes to the floor. “No. Don’t be. You shouldn’t be. You have the world’s most wonderful man to return to every night. Don’t be sorry.”
“Josh.” I mumbled, tears filling my eyes. I took him in my arms then, and he cracked. His shoulders shook with tears, and yet he still stood stiffly in my embrace, not wanting to allow his emotion to take over, lest he might do something I would regret later on.
It was then that I realized the power of love. Josh loved me so much that he ached for me, and yet, for my happiness, he sacrificed his own, unwilling to make any mistake on his part that might cost my bliss. I have truly never understood the meaning of love.
Not until I found Josh.
I’m just thankful he accepted me back into his life, his heart, with open arms.
I can’t explain this, really. It’s all so fast… so complicated, yet simple. I frankly never believed that all my small actions would win Lance’s affection, Lance’s heart. I never thought that he would come back to me.
But he has.
God, I’m just so grateful for that.
That night he came back to me… it was the best night of my life. When he took me into his arms, and apologized. I wanted to put my arms around him and cry, just let him hold me and tell me everything was all right. But I didn’t. I was just so afraid of being burnt again, I didn’t dare. I had no idea what he was trying to do. I thought it was just another one of those ‘brother’ things. I thought he was just trying to cheer me up.
I’m so glad I was wrong.
“Josh, I… I love you.” Lance whispered in my ear, his arms tightening around my waist. My tears stopped for a second, before I sighed.
“I love you too.” I replied softly, thinking the phrase meant more to me than Lance would ever feel, COULD ever feel.
“No, Josh,” Lance shook his head, letting a soft laugh escape his lips. “I mean, I’m IN love with you.”
Everything after that seems to be in a blur. Joey screaming at Lance to ‘get the hell out of the hotel room’, Chris smiling at us like a proud older brother, Justin rolling his eyes at Joey’s childishness, Lance’s passionate kisses… God, I’ve missed him so much.
I’ve missed the feel of his skin against mine, the feel of his lips pressed on mine, the shivers he sends down my spine just by whispering my name… god, I’ve missed all of that.
But now, the part that was missing… it’s filled.
Because Lance LOVES me now.
I still can’t bring myself to believe that. That Lance actually LOVES me. He’s not with me to spite Joey, or play me, or anything like that. This time… this time it’s real.
And all the hurt, the pain, the loss that I’ve gone through… it’s gone.
Lance is back by my side, where he belongs.
And that’s really all that matters. He’s my cure. I’ve healed.
JC looked up at his boyfriend of two months entered the hotel room, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Hey baby,” JC smiled, rising to greet the blond.
“Hey.”
“Tired?”
Lance chuckled, before letting out a yawn, “Nope, I’m just roaring with energy Josh. Don’t you see the sign on my face that screams, ‘let me sleep’?”
JC laughed despite himself. “C’mon,” he murmured, crushing Lance’s lips against his own before pulling the green-eyed youngster toward the bed. “Sleeping time for the exhausted.”
Lance nodded, uncharacteristically obedient. He climbed into bed and allowed JC to strip him down to his boxers before letting out another huge yawn. JC glanced at the digital clock beside their bed. “One twenty,” he commented, getting into bed himself, “No wonder you’re tired.”
“You’re one to be talking,” Lance sighed, closing his weary eyes. “I’ve yet to ask what you’re doing up this late, Mr. Sleepy.”
“I was just thinking,” JC replied, letting the nickname drop.
“About what, babe?”
“You. Joe. Us.”
Lance’s eyes shot open and he shifted so he was staring directly into JC’s cobalt eyes. “I. Love. YOU.”
“I know.”
“Then don’t think about that anymore. I can’t help being stupid once in a while.”
JC laughed. “Once in a while?” His laughter was muffled as a soft pillow was dumped on his head.
“Shut up.”
JC pushed the pillow off of his head, and leaned over to drop a light kiss on Lance’s nose. “We can’t all be perfect, darlin’.”
Lance sighed, muttering something about ‘corny, sappy boyfriends’.
“But you’re perfect in my eyes anyway,” Lance grinned at JC’s cheesiness. “And that’s all that matters.”
-fin-
