Can't Stop Loving You
Oct. 13th, 2003 04:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amfiguree[N'sync] [Basez, JoLa] [G]
Can't Stop Loving You
Author’s Note: Actually, this story was sparked off by seeing Lance and Joey’s names together in slash fanfic too much. I never actually got down to writing it – it was and still is too painful, seeing anyone but JC ending up with Lance – but a close friend of mine has experienced heartache like this and I took the main plot from her story. Thank you so much, Fitri (Pronounced Feet – Tree).
This is a slight AU story. The guys are in the band and all but for two people to get married in this story – gay or otherwise – all the parents have to do is ask R if they want to marry T, then R’s parents go to T’s parents and propose. Then T’s parents will consider and if they think R is a good person they’ll ask T if they want marry R. If both parties are agreed, then a date is fixed and – poof! – there go the bride and groom. It’s kinda like that in some parts of Indonesia, like where Fit (Pronounced Feet) came from. Well, besides the gay part.
“You… you’re getting married?” JC’s voice was hoarse, as if stuck in his throat. He was pale, and his skin colour was as pallid as Lance’s.
Lance winced at the way JC’s voice seemed to break. The voice that had always been so melodious, so strong; the voice that had attracted him to JC in the first place. “No, I’m not. Yet.”
JC visibly flinched at Lance’s words. “What… what did you want to tell me? Besides the fact that Joey’s parents went to your house?”
Lance covered JC’s hand with his own, trying not to mind when JC stiffened at the slight contact. “Josh… please, don’t be like this.”
“I’m sorry,” JC whispered, pulling away from Lance’s hand. “I can’t… I can’t help it. I want to be happy for you Lance. I’m trying.”
“I know you are, Josh. But what I wanted to… I just wanted to tell you…” Lance’s voice trailed off. There was no easy way about this.
JC cleared his throat and tried to smile, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Okay, let’s have a brother talk right now. You have to answer all this truthfully. Every word.”
Lance nodded, looking a bit anxious.
“Do… do you want to marry him?” JC’s voice was shaking slightly, but Lance didn’t miss the tremor in his boyfriend’s voice. After all, they had been singing together in the group for so long that Lance would have to be deaf before he forgot the way JC’s voice sounded.
“I… I don’t know, Josh.”
Those four words coming from Lance’s lips sliced through JC’s heart. He almost let out a choked sob before turning away from Lance and wiping the tears that had been gathering in his eyes. “How can you not know?” JC asked, his voice now low.
Lance tried to forget the pain he heard in JC’s voice – the pain that his boyfriend was trying so vainly to conceal – but it was hopeless. “I’m sorry, Josh. I really am. But I’m… I’m just not sure. I really don’t know.”
JC closed his eyes, still refusing to turn to Lance. “You can’t not know, Lance. This concerns your future. You have to be honest with yourself. Do you want to marry Joey or not?”
JC’s voice was gentle and soothing and Lance just smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “I need time to think about this, Josh. I really don’t know yet. I mean, the idea of Joey and me together is weird but then again, it’s NOT weird. If you get what I mean.”
JC nodded, finally succeeding in easing the tickling pressure behind his eyes. He turned to face Lance, his steel-blue eyes rather red-rimmed. He was grateful when Lance pretended not to notice though. “Yeah, but I need to know, Lance. I deserve an answer. I’m not going to go anywhere till I get this answer out of you, okay?”
Lance sighed, shaking his head, “Josh, I won’t talk until I’m sure, you know that. So why bother? You’re wasting your time here, Josh, and I’m sure Johnny’s gonna blow his top if-“
“I don’t care about Johnny, Lance,” JC’s voice was suddenly calm and collected, but Lance wasn’t fooled for even a second. JC was still emotionally shaken and Lance knew that. “I’m going to sit here till you tell me.”
Suddenly, JC seemed to have a better idea, though. He pulled on Lance’s hand and practically dragged him to the beach that was only a few meters away from the hotel. “Come on,” JC beckoned to Lance, telling him to sit on the sand. “Tell me. Do you want to marry Joey?”
JC could feel his heart breaking even more every time he uttered that simple question and Lance was unable to answer. He felt certain he knew the answer, dreading it. And yet, he couldn’t help keeping a spark of hope alive… the hope that Lance would choose him over Joey.
“I don’t know,” Lance shook his head helplessly. He couldn’t help it. He had no idea what to say or do. He was confused, tired and although he knew JC was only trying to help him, it didn’t help him make his decision any faster. He knew JC was hurting but there was nothing to help that yet. JC’s happiness lay in a single decision on Lance’s part.
So the two friends-cum-lovers sat on the beach quietly, waiting for Lance to make his fatally important decision. The decision that would change both their lives forever.
A small eternity seemed to pass before JC next spoke up, “Lance, please, I need to know… do you want to marry Joey?”
“I don’t know, Josh.”
It took all of JC’s strength and determination to speak his next few words, but he managed it, “I… I’m gonna ask you once more, Lance. If… if you say you don’t know… I’ll take it that you do want to marry Joey. If… if you say something else, I’ll know that you don’t.”
Lance bit his lip and JC wanted to hide, take back everything he had said. His gut feeling told him that nothing would be the same after this. It also told him that this would not turn out in his favor.
“Lance… do you want… to marry… Joey?”
There was a moment’s hesitation before Lance put his head in his hands and said softly, “I don’t know, Josh.”
JC closed his eyes, trying to fight the waves of pain and nausea that swept through his body. He was shaking badly, but he tried to ignore it as he offered the younger blond a weak smile. “All right Lance,” he said quietly, “I understand. Congratulations.”
Lance stared at JC’s outstretched hand for a moment before shaking it gently, as if afraid he would hurt JC.
“May… may I know why?” JC asked, almost inaudibly, as Lance retracted his hand. “Why you want to… marry Joey?”
“I… I don’t know.”
JC licked his lips, “Yes you do, Lance,” he looked at the stunned expression on Lance’s face and tried to chuckle, “We’ve been… I’m sorry, we were together for so long that I should know when you’re lying.”
Lance flinched when JC used the word WERE. They HAD BEEN together. That was in the past now. They had broken up. In the quiet congratulations JC had offered… that was their break up sign as well.
“I… it’s because of my parents, Jo- Jace. They really like Joey and they want me to be with him. I never knew he liked me… I didn’t see this coming… but now that they asked…”
JC lifted his hand weakly, feeling a small pang of nausea. The easy way his name had ALMOST rolled off of Lance’s tongue… it was going to be a while before he would be able to forget that. He knew, though, that Lance wasn’t telling the whole truth but he wasn’t about to probe. It hurt too much. He didn’t want to hear it… didn’t know if he could deal hearing it. “It’s okay. I… under- I mean, it’s okay.”
JC was about to say ‘I understand’. But he changed his mind. He DIDN’T understand. But he held back his tears and forced another half-hearted smile as Lance rose to leave.
“Wait. There… there’s something I need to know.”
Lance looked into JC’s steel blue eyes questioningly. There, in the depth of his former lover’s eyes, he saw the question JC so desperately longed to ask and yet didn’t dare. “I’ve always loved you, Josh. I always have and I always will. Please don’t doubt that.”
JC managed a small genuine smile this time but there were tears augmenting in his eyes as he got to his feet and scooped Lance into his arms for the last time. It was more than a friendly hug and Lance could feel it.
He pulled back a little and stared into the brunette’s tear filled eyes. Slowly, cautiously, gently, Lance leaned forward and rested his lips lightly on JC’s. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but rather a loving one, filled with all their unfulfilled promises and unspoken apologies.
JC savored the kiss, knowing it would be their last. When he pulled away from Lance, he turned away from the blond, knowing that the tears were flowing down his cheeks. “You should… you should go, Lance.”
Lance almost reached out to touch JC on the shoulder, but instead nodded and headed back for the hotel wordlessly, the situation seemingly bittersweet. He DID want to marry Joey, he realized, but JC meant so much to him and they had been through so much together that it was so hard to let go. Lance wasn’t even sure if it had been the right decision.
JC fell back onto the sand in a crumpled heap, after making sure that Lance was long gone. Sobs wracked his skinny frame as he cried for his lost love. “Why did you do this to me, Lance? Why did you make me love you? WHY!? Why is it Joey? Oh God, why…”
JC didn’t make any move to brush away the tears that were spilling down his eyelashes and cheeks. Instead, he let them flow, releasing every bit of hurt and pain he felt inside.
Finally, exhausted and drained, JC managed to cry himself to sleep on the warm golden sand.
Two weeks later, JC received the invitation card to Lance’s and Joey’s wedding ceremony. It was a knife through his heart, but he took it, along with Justin and Chris, and managed to plaster a fake smile on his face that only Lance saw through.
That night, JC cried himself to sleep again. Just like he had been doing every day for the past few weeks.
JC almost didn’t go to the wedding. He was already hurting so badly that he didn’t know if he could bear to watch Lance go through with the wedding. Somehow, he managed to find the strength to walk through the church doors, knowing full well that once inside, there was no turning back.
When JC entered, his first thought was that he had made a terrible mistake. But when he saw Lance, all dressed up in his wedding suit, he knew his effort was worth it. After all, JC would do just about anything to make sure that Lance was happy.
He took a place in the front seat.
As Joey and Lance exchanged matrimonial vows, JC felt his tears coming to his eyes. He didn’t expect anyone to understand what he was going through, especially since no one else knew how he felt towards Lance. But at that moment, God, he wished someone were there to hold him, to tell him that he would be okay.
Till death do us part.
JC had always thought it would be him and Lance who would exchange that vow, smiling radiantly and exuding love. But it was Lance and Joey who were exchanging that promise at that very moment. JC’s heart shattered again when he heard the priest’s words.
“Do you, Joseph Anthony Fatone Junior, take Mr. James Lance Bass to be your lawful wedded husband?”
“I do.”
“Do you, James Lance Bass, take Mr. Joseph Anthony Fatone Junior to be your lawful wedded husband?”
At those words, Lance’s eyes locked with JC. It was all JC could do not to bolt out the door. But JC proved himself stronger than he thought possible. He forced a smile and nodded, telling Lance to go on with his married life… with Joey as his husband.
“I do.” Lance’s low bass rumbled.
It was at that moment that JC felt his world crumble around him.
JC was dying. Not in the physical sense, but inside. He cried himself to sleep every night and woke up each morning with a sense of dread. He had managed to keep a smile on his face even when Lance and Joey kissed in front of him, but things were going downhill.
It took every bit of his willpower to drag himself out of bed and when JC peeked out of his bunk and saw Lance and Joey making out on the couch in the kitchen, he just knew that he couldn’t take it anymore.
Hurriedly, he went into the toilet and freshened up. He seated himself at the table and watched Joey and Lance laugh over a private joke as he pulled out a piece of notepad and a pen and began writing:
“Dear Lance,
By the time you read this, I’ll probably be gone. God, that’s such a stupid line. I wonder how many movies have used it so far. But, enough of that. I’m watching you babe, and I can see how happy you are with Joe. I’m glad you married him, Lance. You made the right choice. I’m sorry, I smudged the page, but that’s not a coffee stain, Lance. You see, I’m crying over you again.
God, I didn’t mean it to come out that way. It’s just, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve cried for you Lance. But every time I see you guys together… it gets too much. I’ve cried so much lately, I didn’t think I’d be able to cry another tear for you. Look, there’s another one. Every goddamned time I think I’m over you, it starts all over again. Because I’ll never be over you.
Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for doing this to you. I’m not trying to guilt trip you because I truly AM happy that you and Joey are so good together. But… I really can’t do this anymore, Lance. I’ve tried, oh god, I’ve tried so damn hard. But every time things seemed to be taking a turn for the better… I can’t do it anymore. Lance, please, I’m sorry.
I know you won’t understand. You’re going to hate me and never want to talk to me again. Please, Baby, please don’t hate me. I can’t stand knowing that you hate me. Oh god. But I don’t think I’ll ever find out if you DO hate me, because I don’t think I’ll be able to get up the guts to talk to you again anyway. I’m such a friggin’ coward, I know, and I’m sorry, I truly am.
But I need to leave. There’s a part of me that hurts so bad I think it’s dead. But the pain reminds me it’s still there. You know which part that is, Lance? My heart. I loved you with every fiber of my being and no, god, I don’t doubt your love for me. I’ve never doubted it, I swear. It just gets so difficult, trying to hide my feelings for you and my jealousy for Joey. He’s so much more deserving of you than I am, Baby.
When I see you together, I realize how much you’ve been missing out on. I realize what Joey has given you that I can never give – happiness. True happiness. I haven’t seen you this radiant in a long time Lance. I love you so much that I want the best for you and I suppose this time, it means letting go. I never meant to hurt you, Lance. And I know you feel the same. But I have to go. It’s too tough for me to fight this battle alone.
I love you baby.
Joshua Scott Chasez”
-fin-
Can't Stop Loving You
Author’s Note: Actually, this story was sparked off by seeing Lance and Joey’s names together in slash fanfic too much. I never actually got down to writing it – it was and still is too painful, seeing anyone but JC ending up with Lance – but a close friend of mine has experienced heartache like this and I took the main plot from her story. Thank you so much, Fitri (Pronounced Feet – Tree).
This is a slight AU story. The guys are in the band and all but for two people to get married in this story – gay or otherwise – all the parents have to do is ask R if they want to marry T, then R’s parents go to T’s parents and propose. Then T’s parents will consider and if they think R is a good person they’ll ask T if they want marry R. If both parties are agreed, then a date is fixed and – poof! – there go the bride and groom. It’s kinda like that in some parts of Indonesia, like where Fit (Pronounced Feet) came from. Well, besides the gay part.
“You… you’re getting married?” JC’s voice was hoarse, as if stuck in his throat. He was pale, and his skin colour was as pallid as Lance’s.
Lance winced at the way JC’s voice seemed to break. The voice that had always been so melodious, so strong; the voice that had attracted him to JC in the first place. “No, I’m not. Yet.”
JC visibly flinched at Lance’s words. “What… what did you want to tell me? Besides the fact that Joey’s parents went to your house?”
Lance covered JC’s hand with his own, trying not to mind when JC stiffened at the slight contact. “Josh… please, don’t be like this.”
“I’m sorry,” JC whispered, pulling away from Lance’s hand. “I can’t… I can’t help it. I want to be happy for you Lance. I’m trying.”
“I know you are, Josh. But what I wanted to… I just wanted to tell you…” Lance’s voice trailed off. There was no easy way about this.
JC cleared his throat and tried to smile, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Okay, let’s have a brother talk right now. You have to answer all this truthfully. Every word.”
Lance nodded, looking a bit anxious.
“Do… do you want to marry him?” JC’s voice was shaking slightly, but Lance didn’t miss the tremor in his boyfriend’s voice. After all, they had been singing together in the group for so long that Lance would have to be deaf before he forgot the way JC’s voice sounded.
“I… I don’t know, Josh.”
Those four words coming from Lance’s lips sliced through JC’s heart. He almost let out a choked sob before turning away from Lance and wiping the tears that had been gathering in his eyes. “How can you not know?” JC asked, his voice now low.
Lance tried to forget the pain he heard in JC’s voice – the pain that his boyfriend was trying so vainly to conceal – but it was hopeless. “I’m sorry, Josh. I really am. But I’m… I’m just not sure. I really don’t know.”
JC closed his eyes, still refusing to turn to Lance. “You can’t not know, Lance. This concerns your future. You have to be honest with yourself. Do you want to marry Joey or not?”
JC’s voice was gentle and soothing and Lance just smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “I need time to think about this, Josh. I really don’t know yet. I mean, the idea of Joey and me together is weird but then again, it’s NOT weird. If you get what I mean.”
JC nodded, finally succeeding in easing the tickling pressure behind his eyes. He turned to face Lance, his steel-blue eyes rather red-rimmed. He was grateful when Lance pretended not to notice though. “Yeah, but I need to know, Lance. I deserve an answer. I’m not going to go anywhere till I get this answer out of you, okay?”
Lance sighed, shaking his head, “Josh, I won’t talk until I’m sure, you know that. So why bother? You’re wasting your time here, Josh, and I’m sure Johnny’s gonna blow his top if-“
“I don’t care about Johnny, Lance,” JC’s voice was suddenly calm and collected, but Lance wasn’t fooled for even a second. JC was still emotionally shaken and Lance knew that. “I’m going to sit here till you tell me.”
Suddenly, JC seemed to have a better idea, though. He pulled on Lance’s hand and practically dragged him to the beach that was only a few meters away from the hotel. “Come on,” JC beckoned to Lance, telling him to sit on the sand. “Tell me. Do you want to marry Joey?”
JC could feel his heart breaking even more every time he uttered that simple question and Lance was unable to answer. He felt certain he knew the answer, dreading it. And yet, he couldn’t help keeping a spark of hope alive… the hope that Lance would choose him over Joey.
“I don’t know,” Lance shook his head helplessly. He couldn’t help it. He had no idea what to say or do. He was confused, tired and although he knew JC was only trying to help him, it didn’t help him make his decision any faster. He knew JC was hurting but there was nothing to help that yet. JC’s happiness lay in a single decision on Lance’s part.
So the two friends-cum-lovers sat on the beach quietly, waiting for Lance to make his fatally important decision. The decision that would change both their lives forever.
A small eternity seemed to pass before JC next spoke up, “Lance, please, I need to know… do you want to marry Joey?”
“I don’t know, Josh.”
It took all of JC’s strength and determination to speak his next few words, but he managed it, “I… I’m gonna ask you once more, Lance. If… if you say you don’t know… I’ll take it that you do want to marry Joey. If… if you say something else, I’ll know that you don’t.”
Lance bit his lip and JC wanted to hide, take back everything he had said. His gut feeling told him that nothing would be the same after this. It also told him that this would not turn out in his favor.
“Lance… do you want… to marry… Joey?”
There was a moment’s hesitation before Lance put his head in his hands and said softly, “I don’t know, Josh.”
JC closed his eyes, trying to fight the waves of pain and nausea that swept through his body. He was shaking badly, but he tried to ignore it as he offered the younger blond a weak smile. “All right Lance,” he said quietly, “I understand. Congratulations.”
Lance stared at JC’s outstretched hand for a moment before shaking it gently, as if afraid he would hurt JC.
“May… may I know why?” JC asked, almost inaudibly, as Lance retracted his hand. “Why you want to… marry Joey?”
“I… I don’t know.”
JC licked his lips, “Yes you do, Lance,” he looked at the stunned expression on Lance’s face and tried to chuckle, “We’ve been… I’m sorry, we were together for so long that I should know when you’re lying.”
Lance flinched when JC used the word WERE. They HAD BEEN together. That was in the past now. They had broken up. In the quiet congratulations JC had offered… that was their break up sign as well.
“I… it’s because of my parents, Jo- Jace. They really like Joey and they want me to be with him. I never knew he liked me… I didn’t see this coming… but now that they asked…”
JC lifted his hand weakly, feeling a small pang of nausea. The easy way his name had ALMOST rolled off of Lance’s tongue… it was going to be a while before he would be able to forget that. He knew, though, that Lance wasn’t telling the whole truth but he wasn’t about to probe. It hurt too much. He didn’t want to hear it… didn’t know if he could deal hearing it. “It’s okay. I… under- I mean, it’s okay.”
JC was about to say ‘I understand’. But he changed his mind. He DIDN’T understand. But he held back his tears and forced another half-hearted smile as Lance rose to leave.
“Wait. There… there’s something I need to know.”
Lance looked into JC’s steel blue eyes questioningly. There, in the depth of his former lover’s eyes, he saw the question JC so desperately longed to ask and yet didn’t dare. “I’ve always loved you, Josh. I always have and I always will. Please don’t doubt that.”
JC managed a small genuine smile this time but there were tears augmenting in his eyes as he got to his feet and scooped Lance into his arms for the last time. It was more than a friendly hug and Lance could feel it.
He pulled back a little and stared into the brunette’s tear filled eyes. Slowly, cautiously, gently, Lance leaned forward and rested his lips lightly on JC’s. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but rather a loving one, filled with all their unfulfilled promises and unspoken apologies.
JC savored the kiss, knowing it would be their last. When he pulled away from Lance, he turned away from the blond, knowing that the tears were flowing down his cheeks. “You should… you should go, Lance.”
Lance almost reached out to touch JC on the shoulder, but instead nodded and headed back for the hotel wordlessly, the situation seemingly bittersweet. He DID want to marry Joey, he realized, but JC meant so much to him and they had been through so much together that it was so hard to let go. Lance wasn’t even sure if it had been the right decision.
JC fell back onto the sand in a crumpled heap, after making sure that Lance was long gone. Sobs wracked his skinny frame as he cried for his lost love. “Why did you do this to me, Lance? Why did you make me love you? WHY!? Why is it Joey? Oh God, why…”
JC didn’t make any move to brush away the tears that were spilling down his eyelashes and cheeks. Instead, he let them flow, releasing every bit of hurt and pain he felt inside.
Finally, exhausted and drained, JC managed to cry himself to sleep on the warm golden sand.
Two weeks later, JC received the invitation card to Lance’s and Joey’s wedding ceremony. It was a knife through his heart, but he took it, along with Justin and Chris, and managed to plaster a fake smile on his face that only Lance saw through.
That night, JC cried himself to sleep again. Just like he had been doing every day for the past few weeks.
JC almost didn’t go to the wedding. He was already hurting so badly that he didn’t know if he could bear to watch Lance go through with the wedding. Somehow, he managed to find the strength to walk through the church doors, knowing full well that once inside, there was no turning back.
When JC entered, his first thought was that he had made a terrible mistake. But when he saw Lance, all dressed up in his wedding suit, he knew his effort was worth it. After all, JC would do just about anything to make sure that Lance was happy.
He took a place in the front seat.
As Joey and Lance exchanged matrimonial vows, JC felt his tears coming to his eyes. He didn’t expect anyone to understand what he was going through, especially since no one else knew how he felt towards Lance. But at that moment, God, he wished someone were there to hold him, to tell him that he would be okay.
Till death do us part.
JC had always thought it would be him and Lance who would exchange that vow, smiling radiantly and exuding love. But it was Lance and Joey who were exchanging that promise at that very moment. JC’s heart shattered again when he heard the priest’s words.
“Do you, Joseph Anthony Fatone Junior, take Mr. James Lance Bass to be your lawful wedded husband?”
“I do.”
“Do you, James Lance Bass, take Mr. Joseph Anthony Fatone Junior to be your lawful wedded husband?”
At those words, Lance’s eyes locked with JC. It was all JC could do not to bolt out the door. But JC proved himself stronger than he thought possible. He forced a smile and nodded, telling Lance to go on with his married life… with Joey as his husband.
“I do.” Lance’s low bass rumbled.
It was at that moment that JC felt his world crumble around him.
JC was dying. Not in the physical sense, but inside. He cried himself to sleep every night and woke up each morning with a sense of dread. He had managed to keep a smile on his face even when Lance and Joey kissed in front of him, but things were going downhill.
It took every bit of his willpower to drag himself out of bed and when JC peeked out of his bunk and saw Lance and Joey making out on the couch in the kitchen, he just knew that he couldn’t take it anymore.
Hurriedly, he went into the toilet and freshened up. He seated himself at the table and watched Joey and Lance laugh over a private joke as he pulled out a piece of notepad and a pen and began writing:
“Dear Lance,
By the time you read this, I’ll probably be gone. God, that’s such a stupid line. I wonder how many movies have used it so far. But, enough of that. I’m watching you babe, and I can see how happy you are with Joe. I’m glad you married him, Lance. You made the right choice. I’m sorry, I smudged the page, but that’s not a coffee stain, Lance. You see, I’m crying over you again.
God, I didn’t mean it to come out that way. It’s just, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve cried for you Lance. But every time I see you guys together… it gets too much. I’ve cried so much lately, I didn’t think I’d be able to cry another tear for you. Look, there’s another one. Every goddamned time I think I’m over you, it starts all over again. Because I’ll never be over you.
Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for doing this to you. I’m not trying to guilt trip you because I truly AM happy that you and Joey are so good together. But… I really can’t do this anymore, Lance. I’ve tried, oh god, I’ve tried so damn hard. But every time things seemed to be taking a turn for the better… I can’t do it anymore. Lance, please, I’m sorry.
I know you won’t understand. You’re going to hate me and never want to talk to me again. Please, Baby, please don’t hate me. I can’t stand knowing that you hate me. Oh god. But I don’t think I’ll ever find out if you DO hate me, because I don’t think I’ll be able to get up the guts to talk to you again anyway. I’m such a friggin’ coward, I know, and I’m sorry, I truly am.
But I need to leave. There’s a part of me that hurts so bad I think it’s dead. But the pain reminds me it’s still there. You know which part that is, Lance? My heart. I loved you with every fiber of my being and no, god, I don’t doubt your love for me. I’ve never doubted it, I swear. It just gets so difficult, trying to hide my feelings for you and my jealousy for Joey. He’s so much more deserving of you than I am, Baby.
When I see you together, I realize how much you’ve been missing out on. I realize what Joey has given you that I can never give – happiness. True happiness. I haven’t seen you this radiant in a long time Lance. I love you so much that I want the best for you and I suppose this time, it means letting go. I never meant to hurt you, Lance. And I know you feel the same. But I have to go. It’s too tough for me to fight this battle alone.
I love you baby.
Joshua Scott Chasez”
-fin-
