amfiguree | 4 Times Ellen Got David to Take His Shirt Off, and 1 Time She Couldn't

[Pre-slash] [American Idol] [David Archuleta/David Cook] [PG]

This is the result of one too many episodes of Ellen, and an unhealthy amount of love for David Archuleta's obsession with keeping his clothes on. Cookleta, if you squint (really hard).

4 Times Ellen Got David to Take His Shirt Off, and 1 Time She Couldn't

i. Birthday Presents

Halfway through the show, Jen signals for Ellen to pick up the phone. Surprise phone call, she mouths. Ellen's mouth twitches, a little; after the first two years of celebrating her birthday on air, nothing surprises her anymore.

"Hi, who is this?"

"Hey Ellen, it's David--"

"Which one?" Ellen interrupts. She grins when David laughs, a little.

"David Archuleta," David says. "I just - I know it's your birthday today, so I wanted to call and, like, wish you, um, a really great year ahead and stuff."

"Thank you so much, David."

"You're welcome!" David says. "I just wish I knew what to get for you, because I know there's so much stuff already, and, like, everyone loves you and sends you things, so--"

Ellen laughs too. "People are really sweet. And - you know what," she says, a little louder, over the audience. "You know what, David? I've gotten a lot of presents today, from a lot of people--"

"I know!" David says. "And I wanted to do something for you, too, because you're one of my favourite people--"

"You are such a sweetheart," Ellen says.

David laughs. "Thanks. Um, so anyway, I thought I'd - I don't know, I guess this phone call is kind of lame. But I wanted to say happy birthday in person!"

"Thank you, David," Ellen says. "That's really - but I was saying, I've gotten a lot of presents, so I think I should do something back for everyone now, you know? Like karma. So I think you should, as a birthday present, I think you should take your shirt off and dance for me."

David pauses. Then, "Um," he says.

"I think all of America would like to hear you take your shirt off, David."

The audience is cheering so loudly Ellen almost misses David's reply. "Aww, no!"

"Are you at home?" Ellen asks.

"Um, I'm at C--a friend's apartment," David says, cautiously.

"That's great, that's perfect! Go grab your friend, and you can both take off your shirts and do a little dance."

David laughs, awkwardly, but then there's a little commotion in the background, and Ellen faintly hears someone say, do it, Archie, and then David, muffled, says, oh my gosh, no. Wait. Stop! Cook!

There's another pause, and then a little scuffle.

Ellen grins. "Is it off yet?"

ii. The Dunk Tank

"Oh my gosh!" David splutters, when he comes up for air.

Ellen raps on the glass, grinning. "How're you doing, David?"

"It's really cold!" he laughs.

"Yeah, that's what - I told them to do that, before the show. Blocks of ice, I told them."

David laughs again as he reaches for the side of the dunk tank. His teeth are chattering.

Ellen knocks on the glass again, just long enough to get his attention. "I'm thinking you should take that shirt off."

iii. Rumors

"You know, I was at the grocery store the other day," Ellen says. The audience laughs, like they've already heard the punchline.

"I love grocery shopping," David adds.

"Me too," Ellen says. "I love having lunch there. You know, when you walk past the samplers, they never look up, they just hand another one to you. I - three blocks of cheese is plenty, let me tell you."

David laughs.

"This is how I get my daily protein intake," Ellen says. "But okay, so I was at the grocery store, and the cashier - she was so young, I think you could date her--"

"Oh my gosh," David says.

"Yeah, so I said to her, 'Wow, Cheryl,' because that's what her nametag said, 'Wow, Cheryl, you're young enough to be dating David Archuleta'."

David cracks up as he presses his face into his hands.

"I know, right?" Ellen says, but the edges of her mouth are tugging up. "And you know what she says to me?"

"No?" David asks, voice muffled in his palms.

"She said she couldn't date you, because you have a tattoo."

David's head rushes up. "A what?" he demands. His eyes are wide. "Oh my gosh, no! Why would she - where did she hear that?"

"I don't know," Ellen says, shaking her head. "And I told her, you know, I said, I know David Archuleta, and he's so sweet, and so talented, I don't believe your tattoo story. But she swore up and down, she said, everyone else knows, he got one on his chest, so--"

David looks torn between horror and disbelief. "I don't--"

"I mean, I believe you," Ellen adds, nodding. "I really do. But this Cheryl girl, I don't know."

"Um," David says weakly. He looks around at the clapping audience kind of helplessly. "I really don't know why--"

"Let's do a check," Ellen says. "A real quick one, just to make sure. For Cheryl's peace of mind."

iv. Bribery

"If you take your shirt off," Ellen says, "I'll get all the idols to come on the show for that reunion Fox is always--oh my goodness. David, I was just -- oh. Okay, you can just put your vest - yeah. My goodness. I did not see that coming. Wow."

v. Backup

"So, David--"

"Oh," David says, with a quick look at Cook. "Which one?"

Cook grins, rolling his eyes fondly at the back of David's head.

"Both of you," Ellen corrects. "You're going on tour together, is that right?"

"Yes, ma'am," Cook says.

Ellen nods. "And to get us to go, you're going to give everyone in the audience a pair of tickets--" the crowd goes wild, "And David Archuleta is going to take his shirt off--" and then goes up a couple of decibels to deafening.

David puts his head in his hands, and Cook cracks up. It takes a minute for the noise to settle.

"The tickets we can do," Cook says, still grinning as he puts a firm, warm hand on David's back, and David looks up hopefully. "But Archie taking his shirt off? That's the highlight of our show. If we give it away, no one's going to come out for the tour."

"Sounds like a great show," Ellen says.

David drops his head back in his hands with a groan.