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amfiguree[Pre-slash] [American Idol] [David Archuleta/David Cook] [PG]
This is the result of one too many episodes of Ellen, and an unhealthy amount of love for David Archuleta's obsession with keeping his clothes on. Cookleta, if you squint (really hard).
4 Times Ellen Got David to Take His Shirt Off, and 1 Time She Couldn't
i. Birthday Presents
Halfway through the show, Jen signals for Ellen to pick up the phone. Surprise phone call, she mouths. Ellen's mouth twitches, a little; after the first two years of celebrating her birthday on air, nothing surprises her anymore.
"Hi, who is this?"
"Hey Ellen, it's David--"
"Which one?" Ellen interrupts. She grins when David laughs, a little.
"David Archuleta," David says. "I just - I know it's your birthday today, so I wanted to call and, like, wish you, um, a really great year ahead and stuff."
"Thank you so much, David."
"You're welcome!" David says. "I just wish I knew what to get for you, because I know there's so much stuff already, and, like, everyone loves you and sends you things, so--"
Ellen laughs too. "People are really sweet. And - you know what," she says, a little louder, over the audience. "You know what, David? I've gotten a lot of presents today, from a lot of people--"
"I know!" David says. "And I wanted to do something for you, too, because you're one of my favourite people--"
"You are such a sweetheart," Ellen says.
David laughs. "Thanks. Um, so anyway, I thought I'd - I don't know, I guess this phone call is kind of lame. But I wanted to say happy birthday in person!"
"Thank you, David," Ellen says. "That's really - but I was saying, I've gotten a lot of presents, so I think I should do something back for everyone now, you know? Like karma. So I think you should, as a birthday present, I think you should take your shirt off and dance for me."
David pauses. Then, "Um," he says.
"I think all of America would like to hear you take your shirt off, David."
The audience is cheering so loudly Ellen almost misses David's reply. "Aww, no!"
"Are you at home?" Ellen asks.
"Um, I'm at C--a friend's apartment," David says, cautiously.
"That's great, that's perfect! Go grab your friend, and you can both take off your shirts and do a little dance."
David laughs, awkwardly, but then there's a little commotion in the background, and Ellen faintly hears someone say, do it, Archie, and then David, muffled, says, oh my gosh, no. Wait. Stop! Cook!
There's another pause, and then a little scuffle.
Ellen grins. "Is it off yet?"
ii. The Dunk Tank
"Oh my gosh!" David splutters, when he comes up for air.
Ellen raps on the glass, grinning. "How're you doing, David?"
"It's really cold!" he laughs.
"Yeah, that's what - I told them to do that, before the show. Blocks of ice, I told them."
David laughs again as he reaches for the side of the dunk tank. His teeth are chattering.
Ellen knocks on the glass again, just long enough to get his attention. "I'm thinking you should take that shirt off."
iii. Rumors
"You know, I was at the grocery store the other day," Ellen says. The audience laughs, like they've already heard the punchline.
"I love grocery shopping," David adds.
"Me too," Ellen says. "I love having lunch there. You know, when you walk past the samplers, they never look up, they just hand another one to you. I - three blocks of cheese is plenty, let me tell you."
David laughs.
"This is how I get my daily protein intake," Ellen says. "But okay, so I was at the grocery store, and the cashier - she was so young, I think you could date her--"
"Oh my gosh," David says.
"Yeah, so I said to her, 'Wow, Cheryl,' because that's what her nametag said, 'Wow, Cheryl, you're young enough to be dating David Archuleta'."
David cracks up as he presses his face into his hands.
"I know, right?" Ellen says, but the edges of her mouth are tugging up. "And you know what she says to me?"
"No?" David asks, voice muffled in his palms.
"She said she couldn't date you, because you have a tattoo."
David's head rushes up. "A what?" he demands. His eyes are wide. "Oh my gosh, no! Why would she - where did she hear that?"
"I don't know," Ellen says, shaking her head. "And I told her, you know, I said, I know David Archuleta, and he's so sweet, and so talented, I don't believe your tattoo story. But she swore up and down, she said, everyone else knows, he got one on his chest, so--"
David looks torn between horror and disbelief. "I don't--"
"I mean, I believe you," Ellen adds, nodding. "I really do. But this Cheryl girl, I don't know."
"Um," David says weakly. He looks around at the clapping audience kind of helplessly. "I really don't know why--"
"Let's do a check," Ellen says. "A real quick one, just to make sure. For Cheryl's peace of mind."
iv. Bribery
"If you take your shirt off," Ellen says, "I'll get all the idols to come on the show for that reunion Fox is always--oh my goodness. David, I was just -- oh. Okay, you can just put your vest - yeah. My goodness. I did not see that coming. Wow."
v. Backup
"So, David--"
"Oh," David says, with a quick look at Cook. "Which one?"
Cook grins, rolling his eyes fondly at the back of David's head.
"Both of you," Ellen corrects. "You're going on tour together, is that right?"
"Yes, ma'am," Cook says.
Ellen nods. "And to get us to go, you're going to give everyone in the audience a pair of tickets--" the crowd goes wild, "And David Archuleta is going to take his shirt off--" and then goes up a couple of decibels to deafening.
David puts his head in his hands, and Cook cracks up. It takes a minute for the noise to settle.
"The tickets we can do," Cook says, still grinning as he puts a firm, warm hand on David's back, and David looks up hopefully. "But Archie taking his shirt off? That's the highlight of our show. If we give it away, no one's going to come out for the tour."
"Sounds like a great show," Ellen says.
David drops his head back in his hands with a groan.
This is the result of one too many episodes of Ellen, and an unhealthy amount of love for David Archuleta's obsession with keeping his clothes on. Cookleta, if you squint (really hard).
4 Times Ellen Got David to Take His Shirt Off, and 1 Time She Couldn't
i. Birthday Presents
Halfway through the show, Jen signals for Ellen to pick up the phone. Surprise phone call, she mouths. Ellen's mouth twitches, a little; after the first two years of celebrating her birthday on air, nothing surprises her anymore.
"Hi, who is this?"
"Hey Ellen, it's David--"
"Which one?" Ellen interrupts. She grins when David laughs, a little.
"David Archuleta," David says. "I just - I know it's your birthday today, so I wanted to call and, like, wish you, um, a really great year ahead and stuff."
"Thank you so much, David."
"You're welcome!" David says. "I just wish I knew what to get for you, because I know there's so much stuff already, and, like, everyone loves you and sends you things, so--"
Ellen laughs too. "People are really sweet. And - you know what," she says, a little louder, over the audience. "You know what, David? I've gotten a lot of presents today, from a lot of people--"
"I know!" David says. "And I wanted to do something for you, too, because you're one of my favourite people--"
"You are such a sweetheart," Ellen says.
David laughs. "Thanks. Um, so anyway, I thought I'd - I don't know, I guess this phone call is kind of lame. But I wanted to say happy birthday in person!"
"Thank you, David," Ellen says. "That's really - but I was saying, I've gotten a lot of presents, so I think I should do something back for everyone now, you know? Like karma. So I think you should, as a birthday present, I think you should take your shirt off and dance for me."
David pauses. Then, "Um," he says.
"I think all of America would like to hear you take your shirt off, David."
The audience is cheering so loudly Ellen almost misses David's reply. "Aww, no!"
"Are you at home?" Ellen asks.
"Um, I'm at C--a friend's apartment," David says, cautiously.
"That's great, that's perfect! Go grab your friend, and you can both take off your shirts and do a little dance."
David laughs, awkwardly, but then there's a little commotion in the background, and Ellen faintly hears someone say, do it, Archie, and then David, muffled, says, oh my gosh, no. Wait. Stop! Cook!
There's another pause, and then a little scuffle.
Ellen grins. "Is it off yet?"
ii. The Dunk Tank
"Oh my gosh!" David splutters, when he comes up for air.
Ellen raps on the glass, grinning. "How're you doing, David?"
"It's really cold!" he laughs.
"Yeah, that's what - I told them to do that, before the show. Blocks of ice, I told them."
David laughs again as he reaches for the side of the dunk tank. His teeth are chattering.
Ellen knocks on the glass again, just long enough to get his attention. "I'm thinking you should take that shirt off."
iii. Rumors
"You know, I was at the grocery store the other day," Ellen says. The audience laughs, like they've already heard the punchline.
"I love grocery shopping," David adds.
"Me too," Ellen says. "I love having lunch there. You know, when you walk past the samplers, they never look up, they just hand another one to you. I - three blocks of cheese is plenty, let me tell you."
David laughs.
"This is how I get my daily protein intake," Ellen says. "But okay, so I was at the grocery store, and the cashier - she was so young, I think you could date her--"
"Oh my gosh," David says.
"Yeah, so I said to her, 'Wow, Cheryl,' because that's what her nametag said, 'Wow, Cheryl, you're young enough to be dating David Archuleta'."
David cracks up as he presses his face into his hands.
"I know, right?" Ellen says, but the edges of her mouth are tugging up. "And you know what she says to me?"
"No?" David asks, voice muffled in his palms.
"She said she couldn't date you, because you have a tattoo."
David's head rushes up. "A what?" he demands. His eyes are wide. "Oh my gosh, no! Why would she - where did she hear that?"
"I don't know," Ellen says, shaking her head. "And I told her, you know, I said, I know David Archuleta, and he's so sweet, and so talented, I don't believe your tattoo story. But she swore up and down, she said, everyone else knows, he got one on his chest, so--"
David looks torn between horror and disbelief. "I don't--"
"I mean, I believe you," Ellen adds, nodding. "I really do. But this Cheryl girl, I don't know."
"Um," David says weakly. He looks around at the clapping audience kind of helplessly. "I really don't know why--"
"Let's do a check," Ellen says. "A real quick one, just to make sure. For Cheryl's peace of mind."
iv. Bribery
"If you take your shirt off," Ellen says, "I'll get all the idols to come on the show for that reunion Fox is always--oh my goodness. David, I was just -- oh. Okay, you can just put your vest - yeah. My goodness. I did not see that coming. Wow."
v. Backup
"So, David--"
"Oh," David says, with a quick look at Cook. "Which one?"
Cook grins, rolling his eyes fondly at the back of David's head.
"Both of you," Ellen corrects. "You're going on tour together, is that right?"
"Yes, ma'am," Cook says.
Ellen nods. "And to get us to go, you're going to give everyone in the audience a pair of tickets--" the crowd goes wild, "And David Archuleta is going to take his shirt off--" and then goes up a couple of decibels to deafening.
David puts his head in his hands, and Cook cracks up. It takes a minute for the noise to settle.
"The tickets we can do," Cook says, still grinning as he puts a firm, warm hand on David's back, and David looks up hopefully. "But Archie taking his shirt off? That's the highlight of our show. If we give it away, no one's going to come out for the tour."
"Sounds like a great show," Ellen says.
David drops his head back in his hands with a groan.
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no subject
Date: 2009-02-18 11:13 am (UTC)IDK whether I really want to see Archie with his shirt off though. It'll kinda... spoil the Archieness that is Archie.
Maybe the next part has Ellen showing YouTube clips on her show. Hmm.
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Date: 2009-02-18 11:20 am (UTC)and i loooooooooooooooooove ellen. i want an ellen icon. preferably one of her on her wedding day with portia. HOMG THAT COUPLE ♥ ♥ ♥
LULZ ELLEN AND YOUTUBE. MY FAVOURITE COMBINATION!!!!!
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Date: 2009-02-18 11:50 am (UTC)And Cook on the background in the first scene was awesome!
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-18 02:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 10:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-18 02:24 pm (UTC)I don't watch Ellen, but loved this all the same. So, so cute. <3
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:03 am (UTC)and aww, you really should at least catch the episode archie goes on ellen, because it is SPECTACULARLY LOVELY. they are so awesome together! <3
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Date: 2009-02-18 02:39 pm (UTC)THIS.
loved it, t'was right funny.
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-18 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 10:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-18 04:34 pm (UTC)NUMBER FOUR. LMAO.
I totally loved this, bb. Write moreee!
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:06 am (UTC)and i might attempt to! sometime in the future! when maybe writing ellen is less intimidating! ;) thank you for the fb, hon.
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Date: 2009-02-18 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 10:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-18 07:47 pm (UTC)and i really loved your ellen, lmao.
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-18 11:57 pm (UTC)YOUR DAVID VOICE = PERFECTION
YOUR ELLEN VOICE = PERFECTER PERFECTION
AHAHHADF EVEN DOWN TO THE The audience laughs, like they've already heard the punchline AH:LDF THEY TOTALLY DO THAT, DON'T THEY.
AND DAVID LOVES GROCERY SHOPPING.
AND ELLEN GETS FULL LUNCHES FROM THE SAMPLES THERE - and okay, seriously, your ellen humour is freakishly perfect. like REALLY completely on point. like, you need to be one of her writers. how can you get a job doing that? because you should. LET'S DO A CHECK FOR CHERYL.
AND ELLEN GETTING HIM TO DO IT OVER THE PHONE AND HIM STILL BEING SHY ROFL ROFL ROFL. WHY IS THAT THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. AND OF COURSE COOK IS HARASSING HIM.
fuck i love you.
yeah, so iii is totally my favorite but SHIT YEAH TAKE IT OFF FOR TOUR. i mean, don't, because i'm not a perv, but...for the kids. or something. HAHAHAHA I LOVE COOK
but i love your ellen more. this is AMAZING.
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:14 am (UTC)OMFG!!!!11 *DIES* JUST, OMG. BRI. YOU. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.
wtf every time i get feedback from you I FEEL COMPLETELY UNDESERVING. BUT I ALSO LOVE IT. AND YOU. A LOT. I FEEL LIKE I MUST SAY THIS REPEATEDLY SO YOU UNDERSTAND THE MAGNITUDE OF THE SENTIMENT. ILU. MADLY. YDEK THE EXTENT OF IT.
I AM SO RELIEVED YOU THOUGHT ELLEN WORKED! JUST. YES. <333333333333333333333333333333333333333 I AM INCOHERENT IN THE FACE OF ALL YOUR AWESOME FB. ARGH.
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Date: 2009-02-19 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 10:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 04:26 am (UTC)I am grinning stupidly. Grinning. STUPIDLY.
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:08 am (UTC)and your icon is totally delish. ;)
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Date: 2009-02-19 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 10:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 05:50 am (UTC)And I loved the first one where Cook was all in the background.
This:
Ellen faintly hears someone say, do it, Archie, and then David, muffled, says, oh my gosh, no. Wait. Stop! Cook!
AHAHAHAHAHA.
Spectacular!
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Date: 2009-02-19 10:12 am (UTC)BUT! anyway, thank you for the fb! I AM SO GLAD YOU LOVED ELLEN, OMG. she is so amazingly awesome, idek. and heeee! i am glad the tattoo idea worked for you! <3
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Date: 2009-02-19 06:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 10:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 10:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-19 01:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-21 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-21 03:39 am (UTC)The last one is my favorite. <3
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Date: 2009-02-21 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-24 08:21 am (UTC)Oh, crap, now I've got the image of Archie shaking his hips and singing if you want my body and you think I'm sexy stuck in my head and I don't think it's going anywhere.
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Date: 2009-02-26 03:30 am (UTC)and THAT IMAGE OF ARCHIE. i have that stuck in my head now!
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Date: 2009-03-01 11:35 am (UTC)I was grinning so hard the whole time I was reading this, idk, it just seemed so real, like I could picture each of the scenes as if i were actually watching the show. you know if anyone could make a person take their top off its ellen! OMG, i'm reading it again mid-comment, i can't get over how real it seems. LOVE IT <3333333333333333333333333333333
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Date: 2009-03-02 08:07 am (UTC)i am still, like, ARGH, so THRILLED you read this, YOU READ COOKLETA, HOMG, I CANNOT GET OVER THAT. AND YOU READ *MY* COOKLETA, WHICH. ASOIFSDKJFHSIFJsd. AHHHHH, YOU ARE THE BESTEST EVER FOR REAL.
(no subject)
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Date: 2009-04-09 03:39 am (UTC)(I once had this dream where Ellen and I rode around on the top of a bus and she shook my hand at the end and I nearly fucking cried, I think she's so amazing.)
EITHER WAY, AWESOME JOB. IIIII AM FICFINDING TONIGHT~
"Yeah, so I said to her, 'Wow, Cheryl,' because that's what her nametag said, 'Wow, Cheryl, you're young enough to be dating David Archuleta'."
♥
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Date: 2009-04-09 04:32 pm (UTC)everyone should write more ellen. she is genius. and then add david to that AND YOU HAVE THE BEST INTERVIEWER/EE PAIRING IN LIFE. david is SUCH A FANBOI. ♥
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Date: 2009-04-15 06:53 am (UTC)"Oh my gosh," David says.
"Yeah, so I said to her, 'Wow, Cheryl,' because that's what her nametag said, 'Wow, Cheryl, you're young enough to be dating David Archuleta'."
David cracks up as he presses his face into his hands.
Oh. My. Gosh. This is absolute perfection. DAVID ARCHULETA AND ELLEN DEGENERES, LFDKAJFDLAFDALKFJAS TOO MUCH AWESOME.
David's head rushes up. "A what?" he demands. His eyes are wide. "Oh my gosh, no! Why would she - where did she hear that?"
Spot-on with the Archie characterization, there. I love when he hears something truly shocking and offensive to his sensibilities (like the whole sex symbol thing during the "Access Hollywood" interview) and he just sort of... falls apart in a mess of wide-eyed gaspiness. "WHAT?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no."
...Anyway. This, I adore.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-15 07:14 am (UTC)also i happen to love that interview. *giggles* oh, archie. i just kind of... want to pounce him and snuggle him all at once.
tysm for reading! :D
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Date: 2009-04-16 12:34 pm (UTC)Not to mention David, but hey, we all knew that.
I kind of love your fic. So freaking much that I'm neglecting super boring college homework for your amazing stories. (And going on being awake twelve hours, thanks. It's 8 AM right now.)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-16 01:25 pm (UTC)just - tysm for this comment! ellen is a really tough voice to nail, and i'm just glad people liked how this turned out! :D *blushes* i hope the stories you've found haven't let you down!
(but EEP at you being up till 8 IN THE MORNING! and also KUDOS! i don't think i have that kind of stamina anymore! also i feel like i should apologize if my fiction in any way hampered your regular sleeping hours - and also your homework!)
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Date: 2009-06-24 06:10 am (UTC)Cookie to the rescue~ LOL
no subject
Date: 2009-06-26 04:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-29 05:20 pm (UTC)Now, what is this about an aversion to taking his clothes off. I need to stand over here and crack up for like 10 minutes.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-30 04:09 am (UTC)also, he totally does! i don't know how it became a thing, but watching idol back? YOU WILL SEE WHAT I AM SAYING.